Post Fourth Date Wonderings


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
sweetpea7 is offline sweetpea7 Post #1  October 9,2011, 8:24pm
sweetpea7's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2010

Posts: 9

See profile

I've been on a couple of dating sites for about a year now. While I've had many fun dates, and met some interesting men, no one has really stood out over the course of the past year, until now.

We communicated for about three weeks before we finally met for coffee one morning. We really hit it off, and he mailed me right away letting me know he was interested. We met for dinner the following week, and then again the next week. We really seemed to connect, and I haven't felt this comfortable with someone in a very long time.

The problem is this: His wife left him last year after a lengthy marriage. She now lives out of state, several hundred miles away. He tells me that he was completely surprised and devastated by the ending of what he thought was a good marriage. He also states that while he still "loves his wife, he is no longer in love with her."

On our last date, we both had a couple of drinks with dinner, and then another at a club afterwards. At the end of the night one thing led to the other, and we ended up being intimate.

The bottom line is, even though he was still texting me, afterwards I could tell things were different. He admitted he was weirded out, as I was the first since his wife. He asked for time to work things out. I said sure, but figured this was the end of it. While he hasn't called, he continues to text me on a regular basis.

I'm trying to be understanding, but also don't want to be a dooormat.

What are your thoughts? I'd welcome any constructive comments that people may like to share.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  October 9,2011, 8:31pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Tell him to call you when he's figured things out and he's ready to date, stop answering his texts, and keep dating.

I'm sorry this happened. It's a hard thing to meet someone who seems to be a good fit and then backpeddles, but you can't put your life on hold until he works things out and "playing" at a relationship via text is just enabling him to not have to deal with the fact that he might lose someone meaningful if he doesn't work on his stuff.

Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #3  October 9,2011, 8:37pm
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,392

See profile

You keep referring to her as "his wife" and not "his ex-wife". Are they still married? Are they at least "separated" and going through the divorce process? Are you OK with that?

I would think about your answers to those questions before you worry if this guy will call you to go out again.
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #4  October 9,2011, 10:05pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,640

See profile

You slept with him which shouldnt have happened.....stop texting him.

Sounds like you are the first and his uncertainty is very common. Its not him still in love with his wife. His ex was part of his life for a long time and will be part of his life forever. There will be good memories from that time together which just wont go away.

Not sure the timeline/details of his marriage and how it ended to know if he is even ready to date again or to have a relationship again but its very common you dont know if you are ready until it happens.
 
  Reply With Quote
savman is offline savman Post #5  October 9,2011, 10:52pm
savman's Avatar

is back in the game

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2010

Blissville

Posts: 2,779

See profile

You have to figure out what you want, and what you will accept. Giving him some time to sort that our for himself is very commendable.

Once you get to the point that you need to resume dating or move on, let him know that. You will have to decide when you get to that point. Just make sure you are at that point before saying something. Giving a person time is not being a doormat. But, if you tell him that you either need the relationship to move forward, or you are going to move on..........and then he wants some alternative C, and you agree to that. That is when it gets to doormat status.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  October 10,2011, 5:02am
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

sweetpea7 wrote :
....He also states that while he still "loves his wife, he is no longer in love with her."
...
The bottom line is, even though he was still texting me, afterwards I could tell things were different. He admitted he was weirded out, as I was the first since his wife. He asked for time to work things out.
I was with a guy who, the first time we were intimate he had a bit of difficulty and said "I'm sorry, but this still feels like cheating." He'd been divorced 3 years and obviously still wasn't over her. He also had an argument with her about their kids and it put him in such a funk he was apparently unable to communicate with me for a week. Pffft. Who needs that in their lives? Certainly not me!

And you don't need this guy, either. It sounds like he may not even be divorced yet. Whether he is or not, he has just very loudly demonstrated to you that he is not ready for a relationship (his actions are speaking louder than words ever could).

I would consider it over and quit responding to his texts. If he asks why (he may just be relieved and not ask), tell him you want to be with someone who is actually ready for a relationship.
 
  Reply With Quote
LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #7  October 10,2011, 6:20am
LongLocks's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2011

Pittsburgh, PA

Posts: 671

See profile

Mistake #1: dating a married man.
Mistake #2: sleeping with a married man.
Rectify your mistakes by saying buh-bye to him.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  October 10,2011, 6:29am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

LongLocks wrote :
Mistake #1: dating a married man.
Mistake #2: sleeping with a married man.
Rectify your mistakes by saying buh-bye to him.
This ^^^

And I will add, he was not "weirded out", he got what he was after.
 
  Reply With Quote
jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  October 10,2011, 6:56am
jussmile's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

Seattle

Posts: 3,837

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
And I will add, he was not "weirded out", he got what he was after.
I'm not sure if the guy is still married or not, but I definitely agree with Gr8 on this one... he was after one thing, when he got it, he didn't have to put up the effort to be in a relationship that it appears he doesn't really want anyway.

Sorry, but I think you were used in this situation. Don't let him continue to use you... he's holding you on a bookshelf for just in case he needs sex again one night and keeping you mentally available for him to call you up when he wants it... I wouldn't give him the pleasure. That's the only reason he continues to text you. He doesn't want to date you, but wants to keep you emotionally connected to him, as most women figure if they've slept with a guy once, then no harm in doing it again... he's just using you.
 
  Reply With Quote
savman is offline savman Post #10  October 10,2011, 7:04am
savman's Avatar

is back in the game

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2010

Blissville

Posts: 2,779

See profile

While some of the things written above could be true, they are written as though they are facts.

His actions do seem to point to him not being as ready for a relationship as he thought he was, I don't think that necessarily means he was using you for sex.

Is he still married?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Is it a numbers game? | Dating | The Magic Attitude that Inspires Honesty in a Man »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
First date tomorrow night.... adventure714 Dating 11 October 10,2011 9:41am
Post First Date Etiquette CarpeDiem2011 Ask a Dating Expert 7 July 10,2011 8:32pm
Yikes! Forgot to post the weekend and date roundup for Oct 2 - 3! eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 11 October 5,2010 6:34pm
Vegetarianism awol71 Atheists, Humorists, and Science 82 March 15,2010 6:34am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:49am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0