Striking the right balance...


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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #1  October 9,2011, 7:27pm
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mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

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"Dating involves striking a balance between not wasting time with people that you know don't offer what you need, but being open enough to the possibilities presented by people who might offer what you need, just in a different manner than what you're used to."

This was a comment that a friend recently made to me, and it really got me thinking. How do you find that balance? I have struggled a lot with this question.

I'm just going to open this up to comments from the peanut gallery...
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  October 9,2011, 8:03pm
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I think part of it comes down to knowing yourself - what you really can't live without, what you want from a dating situation, and what you bring to the table. You have to be balanced and true in yourself before you can bring that into a dating situation.

After that, it's a matter of not losing that truth: to loneliness, to the excitement of a new attraction, to fear, to the tendency to see what we want to see instead of what is.

No one gets it right all the time - I've made more than my share of mistakes. But I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt until they make it impossible to do so. That way, the person I have to face in the mirror every morning I can look in the eye.

It's certainly a challenge at times.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; October 9,2011 at 8:07pm.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #3  October 9,2011, 10:19pm
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From a dating standpoint is by coming into it with knowing what qualities you want and not trying to chase things that realitically have no chance.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #4  October 9,2011, 11:09pm
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Good comments so far, I would add.....

It really is a tough act sometimes. We are not perfectly intelligent creatures, and we do not have perfect information. All we can do is be introspective and learn from our mistakes. You might notice after a while that a couple of the last encounters maybe should have been given more time, or that they should have been ended sooner. Then you make adjustments. I don't know that we ever have this balanced perfectly, so I think we have to continually strive to keep as close to balance as we can.

As LBMM alluded to.... you need to strive for balance in many things, not just when to pursue and when to give up. Taking time vs. jumping in head over heals is also a balancing act. Trust vs. Safety is another one. There are probably many more, life is full of them.

One key here to keep it as close to balance as possible is not to let one encounter cause you to attempt to rebalance by taking a huge step in the opposite direction. Like you trust someone a little too much and get walked on.....so then you readjust and put up a huge wall. Or after a month you figure out the person is not right for you, so then you look for PERFECT.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  October 10,2011, 1:03am
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mitchell175 wrote :
"Dating involves striking a balance between not wasting time with people that you know don't offer what you need, but being open enough to the possibilities presented by people who might offer what you need, just in a different manner than what you're used to."
I look at it a little differently, naturally. It may sound selfish...but I start with me.

I've always known right away...whether I will or I won't, whether I can or I can't...get naked and have a sexual relationship with somebody.

I may have ignored that a time or two but I've always known, and I never changed my mind about that; nobody ever "grew" on me, no matter what they seemed to "offer".

Give a little more than you think you should have to; take a little less than you'd like.

That's my motto, and because of that...I think I can make it work with any number of people. Obviously, I can't just take all comers...

So I start with the sexual attraction.

Beyond that, I'm a good judge of character. My instincts have never steered me wrong there.

I simply don't concern myself with "striking a balance".

j8a
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JustRelax is offline JustRelax Post #6  October 10,2011, 6:14am
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mitchell175 wrote :
"Dating involves striking a balance between not wasting time with people that you know don't offer what you need, but being open enough to the possibilities presented by people who might offer what you need, just in a different manner than what you're used to."

This was a comment that a friend recently made to me, and it really got me thinking. How do you find that balance? I have struggled a lot with this question.

I'm just going to open this up to comments from the peanut gallery...
My way to strike a balance is very simple.

If I feel someone has some potential, I setup a coffee date. I keep my standard low to give myself an opportunity to know her in person. This is my "open enough" part.

If the date is not going well, I close the case. That is my "not wasting time" part.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  October 10,2011, 7:55am
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I guess I have not had much problems with this as I am open to going out at least once with almost anyone.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  October 10,2011, 9:19am
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I think not heading into a date expecting the other person to be a disappointment is the basic premise of the statement.

You have to be willing to be open to someone who doesn't immediately spark your interest or you might just pass up a great person.

A balance (to me) is not judging for some of the little things that happen to be. So he has blond hair instead of dark brown, big deal. So he's not 6'3" tall, he's 5'10", big deal. These aren't life altering aspects of a person (like drugs, alcohol or something else that truly is about character).
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #9  October 10,2011, 4:39pm
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Mitchell, you have a very wise friend.

As several posters have said, striking a balance is important in deciding whether to date someone initially. I think its even more important, however, as you go beyond the first date and begin evaluating whether this person is relationship material. Those of us who've been around the relationship block a couple of times have probably developed a sense for what will work for us in a relationship, and what will not -- and that experience is crticial in screening potential partners. But, isn't it possible that our past experiences (or pre-conceived notions) are also limiting us, by causing us to dismiss potential partners because they don't fit the mold of those who came before?

Please note that I'm not talking about looking past significant dealbreakers or incompatibilities. I'm talking about people who on paper are generally compatible, but who might fall short of the "ideal" in one or two respects.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  October 12,2011, 11:23pm
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Striking the right balance? hmmmm

Keep it simple. Whatever feels right and natural and makes you happy - DO THAT. Don't' analyze it. Don't over think it. Don't try to use any formulas. Don't follow any rules or come up with rules and scripts and schedules and milestones. Whatever feels right and natural and is what you want ~ just DO THAT.

Then sit back and enjoy it... and let the chips fall where they may and let everything evolve and figure itself for YOU. Because when you just give it time, things tend to reveal themselves to you naturally.

"Are she and I compatible?" Don't' worry about it and keep going. It'll be obvious soon enough and down the road over time.

"Does she like me or not?" Don't' worry about it and just keep going and following your instincts and what you want to do. It'll be obvious soon enough and down the road over time if she does ~ and if it will last.

"Are we going to last?" Again.. don't WORRY about it. You'll have your answer over time and down the road.... now won't you?

What's the point of deciding the next 30 yrs in the first 5 dates or even the first few weeks? IN TIME... those answers will just naturally happen and reveal themselves.

Richey
 
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