Striking the right balance...


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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #11  October 13,2011, 6:10am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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I think for most people, we have a list of wants/needs (things we look for in a potential partner). In some cases those wants/needs are never going to be met... as in the woman who wants a sensitive CEO type. The two personalities don't fit in the same "body" (so to speak). So, she must decide which of the two personality traits to which she will be more attracted/compatible. Too often when we don't find exactly what we need/want, we assume we're settling.

Second, I think we feel (human nature, maybe) pressured to rush to the finish line. I had a friend tell me that dating/relationships are not a race. I think we're programmed (in a sense?) to expect a beginning, middle and end... we're all in such a hurry to get to the end (see what's going to happen) that we fail to do what needs to be done in the beginning and middle... so when we get to the end, we're almost always disappointed. And, why if our end goal is a relationship does there have to be an end?

And then there's the power dynamic... as in he who loves less has all the power. That power must be in constant balance for a relationship to succeed. The trick here is figuring out how to get what we want/need from the relationship while giving our partner what he/she wants/needs. Inevitably, one party gets his/her wants/needs met while the other's wants/needs are not. Ironically, it's almost always the partner's whose wants/needs are being unmet that becomes the dumpee...

Lastly (although I'm sure there's tons more that I haven't hit on here), b/c we are people w/ different experiences, backgrounds, fluid emotions, carp, etc., we make judgments of people based on what we know. Instead of doing the (even a little) work in favor of benefitting the relationship, the first sign of trouble usually yields a "next." Assuming we're all looking for the same thing (one partner), and knowing how rare it is to find someone w/ many/most of the qualities we seek, the chemistry/attraction we want, and the compatibility we need, it's ironic that we're all so quick to "next" in favor of working it out.

Then we can venture down the feelings path (which actually makes my former paragraph not really my last thought on the matter)... we all expect to feel something (I'm no different). Feelings are fluid. If that "feeling" isn't constant, we assume the person we're w/ must not be right for us.

My $.02... FWIW...
Last edited by Special-K; October 13,2011 at 6:20am.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #12  October 13,2011, 7:10am
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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Some very good thought in this thread, I like it.

I try to keep the balance in dating simple. I don't always succeed or obviously I wouldn't be single, but nevertheless I strive for simplicity.

I'll phrase this post in as general terms as I can. Hopefully not so general it becomes meaningless! lol

Simplicity. By that I mean that dating and relationships shouldn't be difficult, they should be simple. The only times when relationships have worked well for me is when the togetherness I've felt with a woman is reciprocal and, in a way, effortless and simple. That is not to say you make no sacrifices or compromises to build a relationship, or have no challenges or hurdles to overcome; rather it's the willingness and "Us-Mentality" that is so fluid and easy and desired by both partners that those efforts don't seem like work or trying too hard or unbalanced. They're completely natural and given freely and openly and equally.

Whenever I've found a relationship to be hard to maintain, to be a lot of "work I don't want to do", there are underlying reasons for it--hers and mine. Those reasons eventually lead to the relationship's demise.

So whenever I go into a first date, I really only have a few things on "My List" of things to look for. I keep it simple.

Can we comfortably converse and communicate?
Do we make each other laugh?
Is there an obvious physical spark happening?

That's it. If it's yes to all three, I want to date her again. People are so different and unique and quirky I've just found it a waste of time and too complicated to try to analyze who they really are and what they are like quickly. Eventually everything comes out in the wash over time anyway. You just have to trust your guts and take a risk.

And, especially on a first date, I try not to read too much into anything that's specifically said -- people will fudge and exaggerate and tell grand stories to put their best foot forward, it's only natural -- instead I try to pay more attention to how things are said and their reactions and body language and that kind of stuff. These are better clues to me whether or not this woman and I want to get to know each other better and spend time together.

Hopefully that made some sense!
Last edited by insertscreenname; October 13,2011 at 7:21am. Reason: Well that ... and if she looks real hot in her jeans! :-p
 
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