Breaking your biggest "rules" = SETTLING?!


View Poll Results: breaking your "rule" to date someone = settling?
Yes - Deep down you know this is not what you want. 7 46.67%
No - He has manyother qualities to make up for it. 7 46.67%
Yes - But go for it anyway!! 1 6.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  October 9,2011, 8:54am
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I'm pretty much open to a variety of guys, personality traits, races, ages, etc... I try not to get into that dating box that many people might put themselves into, by having a whole list of "rules" and exceptions of the type of guy I won't date. There are a couple of "rules" that I do have in place though... just a couple. 1) Decent/Stable Job 2) Non-smoker...

I have found myself breaking rule number one a couple of times... when I've found someone who has the qualities and personality that I like in a guy. That never really worked, mainly because the guys don't feel comfortable with it or secure in themselves if they are not in a financially stable position to have a meaningful relationship. Until this point... I have never broken rule number 2. I am not a smoker, and have a very sensitive nose to smoking. It irritates me, and I have always said that I would never, ever consider a guy who smokes...

well... until now. Along comes SD (smoker dude)... he's sweet, charming, quiet... but definitely funny and sincere. I like him... still trying to figure out if he likes me (think he does), but that's another thread... well... he's an "occasional" smoker. Meaning, he smokes... no matter how a person puts it, you are a smoker...

My friends say I'm settling and need to drop him quickly because I've always said I have no interest in smoking and it bothers me so much.

Question is... if he has many of the other qualities I like, but one quality that I really, really dislike... is this settling?
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #2  October 9,2011, 9:03am
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I think this is a fairly common occurrence in dating. Someone finds someone with enough positive traits that they're able to outweigh some of the negatives. I don't think that's inherently a bad thing.
 
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bonzi is offline bonzi Post #3  October 9,2011, 9:22am
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I personally don't have "rule(s)" to break. It only leads to dashed expectations. So a grey question would be, would you rule out someone that smokes pot on occasion? Is this considered "smoking"? It's no different than alcohol, aside from societies "rules".
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #4  October 9,2011, 9:25am
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I have also always said that "I will not date a smoker". And, when I am scanning online profiles, anyone who smokes is an immediate "Next!"

However, if I met someone (say, IRL) that I really liked, who had all those great qualities that I was looking for, except he "smoked occasionally", I might have to think about it.

Now, if that same guy was a "constant smoker", then I don't think I could date him no matter how much I liked him. But, the "occasional smoker"? Mmmm... that's more of a gray area.

Last year, I dated a guy that I really liked. When we met, he had quit smoking for almost 2 years. Then, he went away for a weekend with his buddies, and they were all smoking, so... He came back, and now he was smoking again. He was embarrassed by that, and said he wanted to quit again, but...

In that case, I knew he had quit for quite a while, so it seemed logical to think that he could quit again. We ended up ending things for different reasons, but for him, I'm not sure that his smoking would have been such a dealbreaker. Sure, I would have really wanted him to quit again...
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  October 9,2011, 9:28am
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jussmile wrote :
Question is... if he has many of the other qualities I like, but one quality that I really, really dislike... is this settling?
Yes, it is settling.

Sometimes someone seems so amazing that it will make you question your "deal breakers." Maybe once in a million it will actually be so amazing that the "deal breaker" is completely outweighed. Most often, however, it is not. You're already wondering about this guy, so I'd say he's not so amazing that it outweighs your deal breaker.

Smoking is also a deal breaker for me. I bent that rule twice in my dating life. First guy was "trying to quit" and never, ever smoked around me. But he did sneak smokes before/after meeting me and then lied about it. The lying about smoking really became a deal breaker.

Come to think of it, the other smoker I dated also lied about it. When we first met he told me he recently quit. He had not. He didn't smoke much, maybe a couple a day but he did smoke. He did manage to hide it from me for quite a while. NO straight man uses as much Febreeze, scented candles and breath mints as this guy did! I actually caught him once because I showed up a couple minutes early and he was sitting there in his car smoking. He still denied it, and it was quite telling that he popped several breath mints and refused to kiss me then. After many months he was bold enough to smoke in front of me as he figured he had me hooked by then.

The smoking is a deal breaker, and the lying about smoking is an even bigger deal breaker. To accept either is definitely settling. I won't settle.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #6  October 9,2011, 9:28am
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My firm belief is that we set up "rules" to protect ourselves.

When you find yourself breaking rules in order to be with someone that is your heart's way of telling your brain that this person is worth the risk.

The heart wants what the heart wants; I certainly wouldn't confuse that with settling.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  October 9,2011, 9:36am
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bonzi wrote :
So a grey question would be, would you rule out someone that smokes pot on occasion? Is this considered "smoking"? It's no different than alcohol, aside from societies "rules".
This is not a "grey question." Smoking pot is distinctly different than alcohol in that it is illegal in most cases (even in states with "medical marijuana" laws it is still against federal law). If it shows up on a company drug test it will get you fired (and it shows up much longer than alcohol). My company does regular random drug testing. My daughter's high school history teacher last year was fired for it (he was given two warnings). It is not worth risking your job for this type of relaxation.

Smoking pot is so completely different from smoking cigarettes (and this thread is about smoking cigarettes unless the OP clarifies otherwise) that if you can't see the difference you've got too much smoke in your eyes.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  October 9,2011, 9:47am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Smoking pot is so completely different from smoking cigarettes (and this thread is about smoking cigarettes unless the OP clarifies otherwise) that if you can't see the difference you've got too much smoke in your eyes.
Smoking pot is illegal and a non-starter in my book... period. We are talking about cigarettes here... I have no interest in being with someone who does illegal activities.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #9  October 9,2011, 9:56am
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I use the term settling in a very strict way. I consider settling to be when someone decides to enter into a relationship with someone that they either really don't like or have serious misgivings about.

I don't consider it settling if you had to make a few minor concessions from you list of must-haves or adjustments to your don't-likes.

I don't want to date someone who is over-weight, but I would, if I found he had other qualities that I like.

On the other hand, if the guy is very over-weight, I would comsider that settling because it's something I would not want at all.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  October 9,2011, 10:06am
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This is not "settling" to me.

However, it is a potentially serious lifestyle mis-match - one which I would not accept, personally.
 
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