questions to ask to see if s/he is "into you?"


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  October 6,2011, 9:42am
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There's this guy I've gone on two dates with. We are just now getting to know each other, and I'm taking my time with him, as I'm also getting to know two other guys as well. I could see myself really liking Guy1... but, I am having a very hard time reading him! He is much more quiet than the other guys I have dated, and he doesn't share a lot. I'm a social person, so I find myself talking about various things, and he's a great listener. But, becuase he's not sharing a lot, or very talkative, it comes across as he may not be that into me. Then, I get a text (after the first date), asking for a second date... another text after the second, asking for a third.

Now, I know what you're thinking... he's asking you out, so obviously he's into you. That's not necessarily the case. I'm decently attractive and a good conversationalist. He's been single for a while, so I think he enjoys my company. I don't know, though, if he could really see us together, as a serious couple.

I'm curious if there are questions that you could ask a shy, possibly passive type guy, to determine if he's into you. I know that if I come right out and ask him, that he would say yes... I think in this situation most guys would as I have found through dating, people go a long way to not hurt your feelings. I wouldn't expect this guy, specifically, to say something like...
"hmmm... I'm not really feeling a connection, but I find you attractive, so hoping some sparks will fly."

I'm sure he wouldn't say that, and I don't see a reason to ask him straight out if he's feeling it... or at least beginning to feel it. It's only been two dates, so no hurry... just curious what to ask to get a general feeling of where things are with him.

suggestions welcome!
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #2  October 6,2011, 10:24am
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How about "Come on, it's our third date, throw me a bone here ... tell me something about you!"
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  October 6,2011, 10:25am
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I might, during the course of a conversation, ask him more things about himself. Leave out the yes or no questions and really give him a jumping point. Not, "Did you go to school around here?" Instead ask, "What school did you go to?" Not, "So, you have three kids?" Instead say, "Tell me about your three children."

You can also do the flirty "Well, I've talked so much about me.... what about you?"
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #4  October 6,2011, 10:25am
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There isn't a single question I could think to ask that wouldn't outweigh an action, or series of actions.

You answered your own question. He's asking you out. That alone indicates (at least to me) that he's into you... at least for now.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #5  October 6,2011, 10:31am
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Juss - why aren't you asking yourself the most important question?

Am I into him? At this stage, dating should be more about whether you are into him than if he is into you.
 
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Bakerella_26 is offline Bakerella_26 Post #6  October 6,2011, 10:32am
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jussmile wrote :
There's this guy I've gone on two dates with. We are just now getting to know each other, and I'm taking my time with him, as I'm also getting to know two other guys as well. I could see myself really liking Guy1... but, I am having a very hard time reading him! He is much more quiet than the other guys I have dated, and he doesn't share a lot. I'm a social person, so I find myself talking about various things, and he's a great listener. But, becuase he's not sharing a lot, or very talkative, it comes across as he may not be that into me. Then, I get a text (after the first date), asking for a second date... another text after the second, asking for a third.

Now, I know what you're thinking... he's asking you out, so obviously he's into you. That's not necessarily the case. I'm decently attractive and a good conversationalist. He's been single for a while, so I think he enjoys my company. I don't know, though, if he could really see us together, as a serious couple.

I'm curious if there are questions that you could ask a shy, possibly passive type guy, to determine if he's into you. I know that if I come right out and ask him, that he would say yes... I think in this situation most guys would as I have found through dating, people go a long way to not hurt your feelings. I wouldn't expect this guy, specifically, to say something like...
"hmmm... I'm not really feeling a connection, but I find you attractive, so hoping some sparks will fly."

I'm sure he wouldn't say that, and I don't see a reason to ask him straight out if he's feeling it... or at least beginning to feel it. It's only been two dates, so no hurry... just curious what to ask to get a general feeling of where things are with him.

suggestions welcome!

My last boyfriend was like this actually. I'm outgoing and funny and social. He was quiet, a good listener, and funny..when he actually talked Anyway, in your situation I would say something like "okay, enough about me. Tell me about you!" Give him a chance to talk. If he doesn't take it, then ask him questions....be interested in him (if you actually are.) If that still doesn't work, then maybe you can say something like "are you having a good time?" Kinda put the spotlight on him (which I think is okay since you've been on 3 dates already). Then he can open up and say "yeah, I really am. Sorry, I'm just kinda a quiet person..." or something.

I wouldn't say what you said about: "hmmm... I'm not really feeling a connection, but I find you attractive, so hoping some sparks will fly." I wouldnt' say that because that puts immediate pressure on him to "create a spark" or something of that nature, which he may not be capable to do. I think it's just a little too forward, but that's just me. I can be forward at times, but in the first few dates of a relationship, I try not to be uber forward.

Best of luck! Keep us updated!
 
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savman is offline savman Post #7  October 6,2011, 10:41am
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This is an interesting and somewhat funny subject to me. It is interesting because it is somewhat hard to tell what people are thinking about you after two dates. Funny because this is much easier than the other way around. It is much easier to gauge interest by someone asking you out than someone accepting a date. This is what guys have to deal with quite often.

If a girl proposed a third date, and a guy asked people if they thought she was interested, the whole entire forum would laugh at him.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #8  October 6,2011, 10:43am
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savman wrote :
If a girl proposed a third date, and a guy asked people if they thought she was interested, the whole entire forum would laugh at him.
Ain't that the truth! Ha ha!
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  October 6,2011, 11:00am
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it would be impossible for me not to show my interest . Of course I flirt, tell him I like him and hope to get together again. all of those things... the most I get from him is an invitation to another date . Maybe there's nothing more to express on his part at this time...
 
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savman is offline savman Post #10  October 6,2011, 12:05pm
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jussmile wrote :
it would be impossible for me not to show my interest . Of course I flirt, tell him I like him and hope to get together again. all of those things... the most I get from him is an invitation to another date . Maybe there's nothing more to express on his part at this time...
I did not necessarily mean you. Many girls are not very flirty in the first couple of dates. Sometimes that means they don't have much interest, sometimes it means they are somewhat shy, sometimes it means they want to make sure they don't send out vibes that they are interested in sex right away, sometimes it means they are somewhat jaded by dating, so they don't open up very quickly. And since there are not many women who are going to jump up and take much initiative early on, then all the guy can do is ask her out again. And wonder if her acceptance of a date means anything at all.
 
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