Am I too eager to get into a relationship?


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cpowers94 is offline cpowers94 Post #21  October 10,2011, 2:15am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
If you're planning to move to her city just in hope of furthering the relationship (which at this point is merely a casual dating relationship), you're too eager.

Are these visits to your city planned with the intention of seeing you and she's staying with family but spending most of her time with you, or are you the incidental factor in her visits?

Most relationships rely on logistics that work - and long-distance relationships more than others. If it doesn't work and you can't make it work - it certainly isn't something I'd uproot my life for, nor would I lock myself into exclusive behavior without an explicit agreement with someone.
I want to move to her city anyway to further my career. I'm unable to right away, but am looking to do it by spring or summer of next year, regardless of how this relationship goes.

When she comes here, she sees me for about an hour or so, and the rest of the weekend is spent with her family, which I understand. On two early dates, I did spend much of each day with her at two public events.

Despite me owing her a trip to her city, she has said, so far, we've been able to handle the distance, but after dating for so long, it's starting to be too much, and I think we need to make the most out of the time we have together in order to make it work. My problem is, I have been telling her I want to go and see her a day or less in advance, and next time, I should plan something well ahead, and plan to see her for more than an hour.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #22  October 10,2011, 4:22am
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I echo everyone's sentiment here that she just isn't that into you. You can deny and justify her actions all you want, but after 7 months and she's still playing the "let's start as friends" card? ...yeah, you've been friend-zoned, you just haven't realized it yet.

(For the record, I'm not defending or justifying your change of relationship status on FB ...that was just ...desperate.)

cpowers94 wrote :
I want to talk with her and find out where she sees this relationship going
I'll help you out by cutting out the middle-woman here ...

Where does she see this relationship going? ...nowhere.
 
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PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #23  October 10,2011, 5:16am
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duplicate
Last edited by PictureImperfect; October 10,2011 at 5:18am. Reason: Geez, why didn't the system duplicate the LONG post instead?
 
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PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #24  October 10,2011, 5:16am
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Well, eHA's system just ate a longer post. I don't have time to try to reconstruct it, but here is what it boils down to:

Cpowers, like you I live in a small town so know what it's like to have to reach beyond conventional dating geographic borders to find a potential mate. My attempts have resulted in a very long-distance, but so far successful, LDR (east/west coast), which has lasted for about a year and a half, plus a couple of months before spent communicating remotely (phone, e-mail, Skype). Judging by what my boyfriend and I have experienced, especially what you and this woman do when you are in the same area, you do not have a romantic LDR with her. You have a LDF, long-distance friendship. While I understand that romance certainly can blossom from friendship, I do not understand the "let's start as friends card" that some women play.
Last edited by PictureImperfect; October 10,2011 at 5:17am. Reason: Or I could have just said "I agree with everyone else"!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #25  October 10,2011, 9:32am
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cpowers94 wrote :
I want to move to her city anyway to further my career. I'm unable to right away, but am looking to do it by spring or summer of next year, regardless of how this relationship goes.

When she comes here, she sees me for about an hour or so, and the rest of the weekend is spent with her family, which I understand. On two early dates, I did spend much of each day with her at two public events.

Despite me owing her a trip to her city, she has said, so far, we've been able to handle the distance, but after dating for so long, it's starting to be too much, and I think we need to make the most out of the time we have together in order to make it work. My problem is, I have been telling her I want to go and see her a day or less in advance, and next time, I should plan something well ahead, and plan to see her for more than an hour.
This is not a romantic attraction. If she's coming to town and spending most of her time doing her thing - and you get an hour or two here and there or you tag along to her things...it just isn't. Especially after all this time. I can understand where that might have been reasonable the first time or perhaps even two, but at this point there needs to be deliberate and more significant time spent together. Most importantly, you have to communicate about what you want, listen to what she wants (and hear it - don't rationalize it), and then decide if the two are compatible.
 
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cpowers94 is offline cpowers94 Post #26  October 10,2011, 3:15pm
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PictureImperfect wrote :
Well, eHA's system just ate a longer post. I don't have time to try to reconstruct it, but here is what it boils down to:

Cpowers, like you I live in a small town so know what it's like to have to reach beyond conventional dating geographic borders to find a potential mate. My attempts have resulted in a very long-distance, but so far successful, LDR (east/west coast), which has lasted for about a year and a half, plus a couple of months before spent communicating remotely (phone, e-mail, Skype). Judging by what my boyfriend and I have experienced, especially what you and this woman do when you are in the same area, you do not have a romantic LDR with her. You have a LDF, long-distance friendship. While I understand that romance certainly can blossom from friendship, I do not understand the "let's start as friends card" that some women play.
This isn't my first try at a long-distance relationship, and I hoped this would be the last, but it's now starting to look unlikely. What's worse is that with all of those previous times, we have lost touch, and I don't even consider them friends anymore. This time it's been relatively much more successful than the others, and it would be devestating for me if it ended up being just like the others. I'm afraid that if this fails, I'll never find someone, since this will likely confirm that I am only good as just a friend, if even that.

I'm also starting to think I need a mental health counselor instead of a forum.
 
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PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #27  October 10,2011, 7:10pm
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Cpowers, counseling may be a good idea, but don't give up on yourself. I was in my 40s before someone (my current boyfriend, in fact) evidenced real interest in me. With one exception, which ended badly, none of my many male friends ever did. So there's no doubt hope for you!
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #28  October 11,2011, 8:34am
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cpowers,

I would ask her husband how he feels about her meet ups with you ... oh, I mean her family. Just saying.

The whole situation with her seems fishy to me.
 
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cpowers94 is offline cpowers94 Post #29  October 11,2011, 4:48pm
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insertscreenname wrote :
cpowers,

I would ask her husband how he feels about her meet ups with you ... oh, I mean her family. Just saying.

The whole situation with her seems fishy to me.
I don't doubt it...

Over the weekend, I did get to her city, travelling there with family. I had invited her to join us for supper before we left, but she declined, saying she had other plans. I don't want to read too far into it, but now I'm thinking she may still be uncomfortable meeting my family, despite me meeting hers by the second date, or she is seeing someone locally, but there's nothing I can see that suggests that she is dating someone else.
 
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