I myself find myself wondering the same thing. As bad as it may sound, I've been married 3 times, then after swearing never again for 2 years kept to myself, friends, and if wanting to go out with a partner for an evening (such as dancing, fine dining, and/or just a nice drive with someone) I have several "men friends" in the same position...dating the opposite sex with NO commitment and actually talking about the same thing.


First husband, married just out of high school pregnant. I married my boss, I worked at an A&W Restaurant. At 19 it was great experience as owning and runnng a business. We were very happy, he loved to race cars and built the coolest dragster with one of high school friends. My husband decided to take a job at a railroad for something different, thinking about selling the busines, so I ran it by myself. Our home was on the property of the restaurant (at that time it was before A&W had the electronic ordering at we had "car hops". My favorite was when Hells Angels stopped every year going to Donny Brook up north. They were an incredible group with big burly guys that were just big "teddy bears" and excellent "tippers". In running my business I either had my baby girl with me inside, but in most cases my employees LOVED to take turns babysitting at the house. One employee nicknamed her "little french fry", as working inside you always came home smelling just the same. However, my husband had become physically abusive, would disconnect my car so I could not use it, except growing up with my dad and 5 brothers I knew what to do anyway. In any event, I chalked the divorce up to a bad marriage up to marrying too young, but also "familiar" with abusive behavior as it is a "learned behavior", as his Father was the same, actually worse. So, packed up my baby girl barely 1 year old and went to the cities. My sister and my "favorite" brother lived there. My older brother also living in the cities got me a job with him, running a governor campaign for Wendall Anderson and he won. Organizing and assisting at the Governor's Victory Ball; however, gave me a different experience that would lead to some excellent jobs with the State of MN with great benefits, not to mention a great salary to support my daughter. At that time, although I was awarded money for the "buy out" of the restaurant before he sold it back to the original owner, child support at that time was $75.00 a month. Try getting a babysitter and work full time on that! So, it was just me and my baby girl, for several years did everything together, camping, shopping, fishing and we couldn't be closer as a Mother and Daughter. We were married not even 2 years, the weekI moved out, the next week one of the employees moved in with him. Never saw it coming. And vowing with this experience as myhome life as a kid (similar in the way my Mother was possessive and dominating with my Father,I swore, never would anyone treat my that way, learned the signs, and learned what to do...leave, get out and be safe. And, I never told her the reason for the divorce other than marrying to early, I never told her of the abuse and kept pictures and articles about her Dad, as he was active with the VFW and fire department. Now, actually over a 30 year period, my daughter did look him up (as he never did come to see her, there was no contact) she asked me "after" seeing him why we divorced. Shocked, but knew eventually she would "find" or ask where he lived, I only simply told her, he was a good man and Father, but he became abusive and the reason we (her and I) left abrutly, he wanted some breakfast and I said as soon as I hung the close out to dry, I had her in my arms and a load of clothes, he would not let me out the door and there was a horrible struggle and all I could say to protect myself is if you hit me again, you better make sure you kill me and he stopped. And we left town!


Met 2nd husband who worked for Northwest Airlines. He had recently divorced had a young son. My daughter and his son were like brother and sister. I lived in an apartment complex where actually I was the one known to have a party for everything (had a party room in the pool area) and we did. Had theme parties, swim parties, and of course traveled a lot. And at that time 1st Class benefits were only $30. Imagine that $30 first class and to Hawaii! However, I began to realize he was seeing other women in the apartment complex as I worked days (still with the State of MN as an Office Manager of Economic Security. If anyone is from MN, they will know it's a very large Department) he worked nights and had an affair with someone elses wife. There were no indication of trouble in our marriage, loved to travel together even thought about having another child, but as I found out about the affairs, needless to say divorced.


Number 3 husband, worked for the Minnesota Waste Control (a state agency), I had then moved on to Office Manager for the Poison Control Center. We were married over 20 years. Loved his family, our kids (he had 2 boys, at the time we married my daughter was 10, his oldest son 10 and youngest 8) they actually were are wedding party. His parents had a cabin in Wisconsin with a lot of land. We had 1200 feet of white sand, the best lot on the lake. His parents also bought 6 other lots on the lake at that time so no one could build around them. There were parties every weekend, it was a huge place so we had the main bedroom, bunk room, 2 other small bedrooms for guests, etc. Our kids actually were embarrased by the physical "display" so to speak of our affection. We traveled, we had "theme" parties at our main home...I was the neighborhood Mom, I basically planned the parties (I'm very good at planning, prepping, cooking, crafts, whatever it took to pull a party off). I encouraged him to get involved with the local fire department, as husband #1 was and I was part of the women's auxillary and enjoyed our part in the event of huge fires that required cooking meals, supplying water...you all know how those things work. He jonied the local fire department, eventually became Captain and very involved with Life Link (medical helicopter). For 20 some years, we were never apart. Then all of a sudden he started filing fraudulent insurance claims collecting the money, and his ways actually were like a duplicate that his parents told me as he spent much of his young adult life in Red Wing jail. I talked to his father about divorcing him and each time he talked me out of it as he said that I changed his son into a "faithful" worker, proud he became involved with the Fire Department and so on. Then more fraudulent insurance claims and I became afraid as I wanted no part in even knowing this continued and in all honesty, I actually never realized it was fraud until going through the divorce and finding evidence to the same. Of course, I had suspecions, but was not sure.


Well then the casino action came into place, and actually I was usually the one that won. One time won enough to buy a brand new wave runner for the cabin. We were involved with the hospitality of the casino and were provided free trips to different places, I usually won, he lost. Then he was injured at work requiring surgery and was home for almost a whole year.Well we had insurance on all our loans, cars, boats, wave runner, trailer, cabin expenses,Well then he went back to work.I continued towork a couple different jobs, with the St. Paul Winter Carnival and then the MN Poison Control Center then decided to go into business myself, got a computer and started a home typing business. However, his obsession with the casino, he'd be sitting in a chair at night, I'd be done working (I had slowed down with secretarial and computer services) and started selling Avon and became the Assistant Manger with over 300 representatives in our District, he would be so "aggressive" as to when I'd be done working so we could go to the casino. And, he always wanted ME to write the checks because "I was better at it"? Well, I figured out why, as when we divorced I was to blame for money problems, but also had to sell thecabin, which was devasting for everyone as the cabin only had 2 owners over a 40 year period, the original owner and my in-laws, and guess who's fault it was, mine? However, what no one knew for over 7 months was when we separated he moved in with his girlfriend, which whom he also worked with. I definitely never saw that coming, not to mention when he moved out he said he was staying at a police officer's house, who was a friend, but when I wanted copies of his checks for the divorce he gave them to me, but the dummy had his girlfriend's check in there and found out where he really lived. Shorty prior to our divorce I was still maintaining our home and cabin for almost 2 years. He came up at 2am after getting off work with a John Deere Lawn mower, yes, drove off with it from work. Told him to take it back and with deep dark eyes, told me to stay out of it. There was more fraudulent activities with the devasting death of his parents, more thefts from his workplace and even the Fire Department. Ultimately, he got caught and of course fired on a felony charge. Guess who got blamed for "saying" he stole the equipment. Yup, me!


Once again, I finally decided to leave town, my older brother who originally got me a job with the State of MN, helped me get a home where I live now. I had to quit work due to a disability, I have Multiple Sclerosis, but very manageable so no one really would know unless I told them, but it did complicate my ability to work.


After 2 years of "vowing" never to marry again and/or have a relationship I met this guy "online" in just getting into conversations. Yup, he roped me in. And how, he sent pictures of him asa baby, his family members, and a vacation picture at Sportsman Lodge! HA, the same picture my "ex" and I had when we fished there. All the catches of the day from going out on the boats, they took your pictures with all your fish by the same "Sportsman Lodge" sign. We finally met together on New Year's. The relationship continued for 5 years, the first 2 were great, he was on the road all the time for work, doing atlases in the rural communities in a 5 state area. Then he slacked off work, stayed home (which at that time he had moved in with me, which was his FIRST experience in living with someone); however, although home he consumed his time with day trading with his stocks, which obviously finally did him in. I did caution him, as before the death of my Father-in- Law, I managed his business and home investments and learned a lot from him, including house repairs, from maintaining the cabin. Then he started drinking more, than "smoking" as in illegal, which socially that didn't bother me, but it had become a habitual part of his day. He was never abusive physically or verbally. But, emotionally tore the relationship apart. He began by online dating, once making a date on the day of my birthday and other "strange" things and unkind things, situations that would take place after I had knee surger and I had a spinal fusion. But I was still just as active, love gardening, once again became the "neighborhood Mom", etc. I ended the relationship as his "habits" were just that. Eat breakfast, and usually never asking if I'd like something, eat lunch, take a nap, then continued with drinking, "smoking" at 5pm and/or for sure before he visited a neighbor or before going out at night. Sure we did things together, but his "habits" just destroyed the relationship and no matter how hard I tried to change that, he said he could not change as he was a "Scorpion" and it was in his genes.


Well, I think this is much more than what you wanted; however, how to you try and explain 3 marriages without people wondering what's wrong with ME? Absolutey nothing. I became a "Mother" to all 4 relationships. And I have become to believe, for some reason guys look for a woman/in a woman a "mother figure" as to how their Mother took care of him, so affairs that took place I believe was done so because how do you "sleep with your Mother". I did everything for everyone, nieces, nephews, aunts, etc. I never lied, deceived, or cheated in any of these relationships. And "guys" sure you will say, well you must not have paid "attention" to him, etc., but that is totally false. It just plain happened that way.


So, first why do I attract such men, and 2nd the same question, what qualities in men are you looking for that you actually thought you had, but apparently missing? Especially with 4 failed relationships? I don't have a clue anymore, and find it hard to trust anyone, what they say or what they may demonstrate "initially", first how can you tell it's true, 2nd is it the "missing" quality? It seems like it's a "catch 22" and very difficult to distinguish if actually real anymore!?

The one thing that wasmissing was GOD!!!!!!

My biggest problem has been dating representatives. I meet someone and get along with their representative (you know, when they're on their best behavior) and enjoy spending time with them only to find that they don't like any of the the things they claim to have liked or do any of the things they have been doing. Then when I really get the chance to meet the real person, it doesn't work.


My second biggest problem (alghough it has proven to be surprising to me) is that guys want to spend too much time together. I understand that spending time together is essential to getting to know a person but I need time to myself. I don't feel that we have to have EVERYTHING in common and actually prefer if we don't. It gives him time to do his thing and gives me space to go and do mine.


Although I must admit that I have not had one date from here. Maybe I need to rework my profile?