The Right Frame of Mind


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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #1  September 22,2011, 9:32pm
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Over and over, I've read here how destructive it is to seem 'desperate' on a date. If you're too enthusiastic too soon, you may scare your date off. You may be a stalker.

Yet many folks here say that dating should be fun. They suggest that dating success requires a positive attitude ... we should be hopeful.

On the other hand, an attitude that's jaded (all men are scum) or negative (I bet he's gonna flake) will not get you far in dating. If you expect the worst, will it be a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Or what about ambivalence? Have none of your recent dates seemed even remotely interesting? Is staying home with the cats sounding good?

Is there a 'right' frame of mind for dating? Can you try to force it? Should you take a break from dating until you get it?
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 22,2011 at 9:34pm.
 
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deluxe is offline deluxe Post #2  September 22,2011, 9:58pm
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What happened to being a well-adjusted human being with standards open to meeting like-minded individuals?

Neurotics are only semi amusing in Woody Allen films.
 
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DaLocman is offline DaLocman Post #3  September 22,2011, 11:00pm
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One thing I do have concluded for myself is there is no exact science to dating.

I figure understanding people carries an art to it and so if you rely on lists, rulebooks, categories, stereotypes, expectations, or "flags" alone, at least in the online scene.. great chance of poor outcomes there.

How to bring art into it perhaps? Expect the good and the bad... A person whose looks rate high can be ugly inside, a person whose looks rate low might be good on the inside. Or anywhere in between. Like a great work of art. People who go by those ratings may or may not have success, but there's a great chance things will hurt later in some way.

The other question however is ourselves... we're a work of art too. Know your own painting.. learn your own painting.

See then the question (which I can't really answer for anyone here) becomes.. can you make two paintings merge and be the better from it??

To the OP, I don't know if you mean to create a debate or actually ask those questions... so.. find the median in your approach. A snowball rolling downhill gathers snow fast metaphorically so keep your slopes gentle and spaced out. Fun sure, but ecstasy when meeting a stranger would be a bit much don't you think? "Be careful what you wish for" so yea self-fulfillment applies.

Is there a right frame of mind? In my opinion, no. The frame of mind is ultimately yours to make. Hence the word frame.. like an artwork. Can it be forced? Great art is never forced. Should you take a break? No, you're only wasting the time you have because an art is practiced and without practicing your art, you will come back no better than before.

The final hard part... putting art to the science. Accepting the art of someone else while also playing with all those rules, guidelines, and science like goodies out there. Disclaimer: *Just my fashion of viewing things.. I'm no perfect practitioner of my preaching here! FYI* hehe
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  September 23,2011, 4:37am
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deluxe wrote :
What happened to being a well-adjusted human being with standards open to meeting like-minded individuals?

Neurotics are only semi amusing in Woody Allen films.
Woody Allen films were always amusing
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  September 23,2011, 4:41am
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Now what could have been in my post that would trip moderation
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  September 23,2011, 4:44am
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Throughout your examples is not what you are really describing "baggage"? And we all know that if you have a lot of luggage to drag around on a date it is a hindrance to a successful date.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #7  September 23,2011, 5:09am
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I think enthusiasm is great. It tips into desperation (or being just plain unattractive) when it pushes the comfort level of the other person. It edges into stalker/scary when showing your enthusiasm is more important to you than anything the other person is saying or doing, including "no."

Taking that into consideration, the right frame of mind is a respectful one. Be excited, be enthusiastic, be fun and alive; they're all attractive things and will be attract good people but especially be respectful enough to not push someone to match your speed.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #8  September 23,2011, 11:55am
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Laced - I love your thread topic! I'm surprised there are not more responses yet. I especially can relate to this part:

lacedwithhope wrote :
Or what about ambivalence? Have none of your recent dates seemed even remotely interesting? Is staying home with the cats sounding good?
I have a second date tonight with a guy who seems very excited about me. This sounds really promising, right? Well, I am feeling very ambivalent about him. We spoke on the phone last night, and he talked a lot about how we shared "a great connection" on our first date - and I am thinking "Were we even on the same date?!?" I am giving him a second chance, thinking maybe his nerves just did get the better of him last week.
lacedwithhope wrote :
Is there a 'right' frame of mind for dating? Can you try to force it? Should you take a break from dating until you get it?
And, I wonder about this, too. If all I can muster up for my dates is ambivalence, when is that less about them and more about me? Are they just not the "right guys"? Or, am I just not in the "right place" for dating them? Or dating anyone?

I don't think the solution is to just stop trying altogether. That just seems like "giving up" and committing to be single. However, I have pulled back from actively "looking", lately. I had been feeling very frustrated, and not happy with the quality of the people I had gone out with. In recent months, I have found myself on dates with people who I wouldn't even want to have as friends, if I wasn't trying to date them. That told me that I need to screen better, as I had pretty much been agreeing to meet with anyone who asked, even after some flags were raised. I had this idea that "if the chemistry is there, then everything will work out the way it should"... Um, not so much.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #9  September 23,2011, 12:07pm
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I think concentrating on being a good date and interesting conversation/flirtation partner is the simplest and easiest to maintain attitude. It keeps you preoccupied with actions and cooperation rather than self doubt.

If you just work to make the date positive and interesting, it doesn't really matter what the other person does or even if they like you. You know you did your best and it gives you confidence that you know what you're doing.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  September 23,2011, 4:36pm
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For me, the "right attitude" is to enjoy each thing I set out to do.

When I leave my home to meet, my only goal is to enjoy my meal. Since I choose places I like (or, if someplace I have never been, at least appear likable), and I share costs, I am almost always happy.

Since I am meeting a person, and thus will have live conversation, all I expect of that is that it will be more interesting than going to dinner alone with a book. Since the conversation is live, and I screen appropriately for my tastes, the results here are solid.

I will usually try to make my companion laugh, and usually succeed.

That's enough to make the evening enjoyable and worthwhile. So, for me, I'm satisfied.

***

Now, on the occasion I meet someone I'm attracted to ... I still think the best way to have her want to meet again is to have intelligent, humorous conversation - and I'm doing that anyway.
 
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