Always asking to pay for half......


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luvmontana is offline luvmontana Post #1  September 17,2011, 7:25pm
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Hi,
I have been on a few dates lately with the same guy......first date he paid for everything, next date he asked me to pay for some of the tip, then the third date he asked if we could "split" the bill....Wow. Anyway, I did and then we left and he asked me to get together the folllowing weekend and that he would call. NO call. I emailed him and asked him if he still wanted to meet up the following week, and over EMAIL he gave me this long story of how he just wasn't ready for a relationship or even serious dating and that he didn't realize he had put up such emotional walls from his 25 year marriage and I was so great and all the crap, but I deserved someone that coudl give me all the attention, etc. that I deserved and then he closed me off of everything.......like I was some super freak or something. OMG, what is up with something like that? Actually, that happened to me last time last fall on EHarmony when I met someone and we went on like 3-4 dates and had a great time and then I get the "EMAIL".....Sorry I just didn't feel it between us, etc. What is the scoop with these guys? BUT funny, with both of these guys, they did the same thing...as the dates went on...1, 2, 3....they asked me to pay for more and then they ditched me. Any one have any thoughts toward this? Help from MN....
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  September 18,2011, 3:57am
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luvmontana wrote :
I have been on a few dates lately with the same guy......first date he paid for everything, next date he asked me to pay for some of the tip, then the third date he asked if we could "split" the bill....Wow.
"Wow"? ...what, exactly, is "Wow" about this situation?

luvmontana wrote :
BUT funny, with both of these guys, they did the same thing...as the dates went on...1, 2, 3....they asked me to pay for more and then they ditched me. Any one have any thoughts toward this? Help from MN....
They were testing you to see if you weren't just using them as entertainment for free meals and events - and even though you coughed up the moola, you probably put off that "Wow" (disbelief?) vibe from above ...

...and you failed.

If this has happened enough consistently to establish a pattern, you may want to re-evaluate what you are offering in the way of an ROI - your perceived return on their real investment. For men, this is going to be sex - either right now or with the real possibility of it coming some time in the near future.

My guess is that whatever you are doing/not doing, it is coming across a lot less like "I'm interested in you/having sex with you" ...and a lot more like "I'm only interested in being friends, ergo, your ego-stroking attention and what you can do for me".
 
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HowICIt is offline HowICIt Post #3  September 18,2011, 4:07am

This is just how this female sees it. Your mileage may vary.

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I think the scoop is that they did not want to continue with you. Whether asking you to pay is an indication or not, I don't think you can make that conclusion based on two guys.

And I don't think you can fault these guys for not wanting to continue with you anymore than a man can fault you for not wanting to continue with him...that is what dating is all about.

Unfortunately, with edating, we get more experience than we want with this sort of thing. It is just the nature of the edating beast.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  September 18,2011, 4:17am
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HowICit is pretty much spot on here.

You'll never know what some people are thinking and to try to do this from a few dates is going to make you go cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
These guys may have been looking for something casual and you were putting out the "relationship/take care of me" vibe so they got outta there, and fast.
You might have run into a few that truly aren't ready to date..who knows.
They also may have thought you were cheap, by not coughing up your share.

Better to find out now before you waste weeks or even months of time.
Just move on ...concentrate on those who are interested.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  September 18,2011, 4:39am
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FWIW reading your OP I see Baby Princess written all over it.

A good relationship is an equal partnership. I would never ask a date to pay part of check but by date 3 I would expect her to have joined in the partnership and taken me on a date.

And these guys gave you 3 or 4 dates to see who you were. That is a lot more than the one date my matches give me.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 18,2011, 4:45am
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luvmontana wrote :
Hi,
I have been on a few dates lately with the same guy......first date he paid for everything, next date he asked me to pay for some of the tip, then the third date he asked if we could "split" the bill....Wow. Anyway, I did and then we left and he asked me to get together the folllowing weekend and that he would call. NO call. I emailed him and asked him if he still wanted to meet up the following week, and over EMAIL he gave me this long story of how he just wasn't ready for a relationship or even serious dating and that he didn't realize he had put up such emotional walls from his 25 year marriage and I was so great and all the crap, but I deserved someone that coudl give me all the attention, etc. that I deserved and then he closed me off of everything.......like I was some super freak or something. OMG, what is up with something like that? Actually, that happened to me last time last fall on EHarmony when I met someone and we went on like 3-4 dates and had a great time and then I get the "EMAIL".....Sorry I just didn't feel it between us, etc. What is the scoop with these guys? BUT funny, with both of these guys, they did the same thing...as the dates went on...1, 2, 3....they asked me to pay for more and then they ditched me. Any one have any thoughts toward this? Help from MN....
its why i never pay in the beginning. the guys a creep. he knew right away.

and i can see that you dont buy all of the "emotionally ready" junk. its true: if he really liked you he wouldnt be crying about how hes just not ready and he still not recovered *emotionally* from his breakup and yada yada yada.

your post is a perfect example of what men *dont* do if they really like women. they dont worry about their wallet. they worry about what impression they think they will make on you.

this post is going into my leeetle bookmark collection of such threads. thanks for posting
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  September 18,2011, 4:47am
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oh i was modded. how unfortunate.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  September 18,2011, 4:50am
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it might have been some of the choice words i used to describe the guy lol!
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  September 18,2011, 5:25am
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I think that the fact that these men asked you to contribute says a lot about them. Very tacky. At the same time, even though I am an advocate of who initiates the date should pay, I always ask if I can contribute, Did you sit through these meals without once opening your purse? On date three did you at least offer to pick up the tab and give him the opportunity to decline? I think a lot of men get put off if a woman acts as if there is a sense of entitlement and that they are always expected to pay.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #10  September 18,2011, 5:28am
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Online dating is perceived as easy by those who haven't tried it before. It's like a catalog of all these people just waiting for you to ask them out to date. The reality is different (unless you are one of the few very attractive people out there). However, this leads everyone and their Uncle to try out online dating even if they are not really ready to be dating. Whenever someone just breaks up with their ex, online dating is the first place they turn.

The result is you get a large majority of people on online dating sites who are not ready to date or just don't take it seriously. You're going to have to get use to running into a lot of these types. It is just part of online dating - and it sounds like your last two guys might fall into these category.

Heck, just a month ago, I finally got a first date in over a year (was totally excited about it) and he called 2 hours before hand saying that he wasn't going to show up because the idea of meeting someone online was just too weird for him.

I do not believe that the paying arrangement played any role in their disappearance nor do I believe it can be used as an indicator for you that a man is pulling away.
 
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