oknowplz is offline oknowplz Post #1  September 1,2011, 9:49pm
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I guess I feel like a phony when I date. I'm kind of an awkward/nerdy guy anyway (think Niles from Frasier in demeanor) so it's not like the woman thinks she's getting an alpha male or "cool guy" but I have a lot on my plate in my life. After the first date, I usually divulge what needs to be known if things are going to continue...that I have Aspergers and don't drive because of it...but there's more to it than that.

My social skills and verbal skills and ability to converse are good enough especially for an Aspie where I can get away with just saying "Oh I don't drive but that's it"...but there's more to it. Outside of the Aspergers, I suffer from extreme depression anyway that I'm on meds for and see a therapist for, and even with the meds, am subject to mood swings (not mania type swings as I never am "high" in mood or "really happy"...but I can go from a 6 to a 0...that is, not wishing I woke up in the morning.) And what's scary is, I can be fine for a few months, then something...a bad day...an argument...someone yelling at me etc...can trigger a breakdown or one of those "I wish I wasn't alive" moments...which first and foremost isn't good for me, but also isn't fair to the woman.

(This is all speculation btw. I've only been in one relationship a couple years ago when I was totally inexperienced about dating....then briefly dated a girl back in January where none of that happened...she knew about the Aspergers and not driving and didn't care....and never saw my "bad side.")

I'm just wondering if it's fair to be dating or involved with women at all given my issues? I know both men and women date despite having issues...that a lot of men pretend to be Mr. Perfect but are really hiding psychopathic tendencies (like Mark Whelberg in Fear) and women can have boatloads of emotional issues, but a guy will put up with it because he likes sex, etc., but I don't want to be one of those people I don't think it's fair for a girl to have to worry about me.

You could make the case that if I were dating a woman and she cared, maybe those symptoms wouldn't be as prominent...but that's just speculation.

I guess the point is, I don't feel it's fair to women for me to be dating them unless they know exactly what they're getting into.

I also know (am a virgin...with the first girl I dated, did everything including oral but intercourse) that I'm likely to get attached after sex anyway...so the whole "hook up" thing isn't an option. I'm likely to get very attached, especially since I don't settle one bit.
Last edited by oknowplz; September 1,2011 at 9:52pm.
 
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Farajah is offline Farajah Post #2  September 2,2011, 1:23am
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If you're upfront with some of your major, unchangeable issues, and are honest about, I don't see how you could be a phony.

Its really up to her if she wants to stay or not. If she doesn't, sucks for her. If she does, awesome.


oknowplz wrote :
I also know (am a virgin...with the first girl I dated, did everything including oral but intercourse) that I'm likely to get attached after sex anyway.
You're ahead of me and a few friends of mine. We don't even have most of the issues you mentioned. So, grats.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  September 2,2011, 2:17am
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I think the degree to which you disclose your "issues" will be the deciding factor on whether you are giving TMI or are just telling your date what you are all about.

You can't change some of the things about yourself. So, as long as you accept and embrace them, you should be fine.

Don't do a "tell all" profile where you spill every little detail (good and bad) about you, your issues and what you do when you're having a "down day". That is too much information. Also, don't do this in any e-mail communication either.

You will have to "tell" without giving all the little details all at once. If you have problems with limiting the amount of information you give when talking about your issues then you need to practice.

The same thing goes for a first date. Not everything about your or your date needs to be disclosed on that first meeting.

Everyone has issues, so don't think you are the only person they have ever encountered who carries some personal baggage. It's how you tell them and how they accept or don't accept what you tell them that will matter.

Everything comes out in time. So, I suggest you let things happen naturally. Don't make a "big" deal about telling your date these issues you have. The bigger deal you make about them, the less likely anyone will be willing to accept them.

The fact that you don't drive could be important or not, depending on where you live. I would think in NYC or the Bay Area where there is an abundance of public transportation, the issue of not driving would be of little concern. But in places where the buses stop running at 5 pm and the taxi service is in the next town over, you would face more scrutiny because of this.

I wish you luck.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  September 2,2011, 3:46am
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oknowplz wrote :
Outside of the Aspergers, I suffer from extreme depression anyway that I'm on meds for and see a therapist for, and even with the meds, am subject to mood swings (not mania type swings as I never am "high" in mood or "really happy"...but I can go from a 6 to a 0...that is, not wishing I woke up in the morning.)
I'd say - in my unprofessional opinion - that your meds ain't working. You may need to try another type or a different dosage.

Psychopharmacueticals aren't "happy pills", but someone on antidepressants - assuming, of course, you are taking them regularly - should not be experiencing the kind of drastic mood swings you describe (or the limited range of mood, for that matter).

oknowplz wrote :
And what's scary is, I can be fine for a few months, then something...a bad day...an argument...someone yelling at me etc...can trigger a breakdown or one of those "I wish I wasn't alive" moments...
...and neither is your therapy. You may need to find someone else. I'm not saying your therapist is 'bad', but it's not uncommon (and actually advised) that you try a few different therapists to get the best match for delivering not only the right information to you, but delivering it to you in a way you can understand and agree with.

Everyone has 'bad days', conflict, and difficult situations they have to cope with ...

"Normal" people (haha), when faced with adversity, tend to cope 'upwards' - their brain chemistry is such that they realize there will be an upswing. Their coping mechanisms (actions) are generally positive ...

People who suffer (and have suffered long-term) from clinical depression only tend to cope 'downwards' - their brain chemistry is such that they are truly never able to realize the upswing even when it happens. Their coping mechanisms are generally negative ...

Your therapist should be teaching you how to cope with these periods of breakdown 'upwards' ...and if your first instinct is to turn these incidents into "I wish I wasn't alive" moments, I'd say that he/she isn't doing a very good job.

As for dating?? ...I would advise against it entirely until you get your depression worked out and on an even keel.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  September 2,2011, 4:31am
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Since your basic question is if you should be dating, i.e. is it fair to the women.

You say you are seeing a therapist. I think this is an excellent discussion to bring up with your therapist. S/he is in the best position to advise you on this.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #6  September 2,2011, 5:00am
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Yes, you have a right to date. You are willing to tell the women you date about your Aspergers and depression, so you're not phony... but I wouldn't dump all of that on her after the first date. Those are pretty personal issues, and someone you’ve met once isn’t entitled to that information.

Go on a couple dates. Get to know each other a little. If it looks like it’s going to go beyond 2-3 dates, then tell her about the Aspergers and the no driving thing. If she deals well with that, go on another date. If things continue to go well, then you can tell her about the depression. Some people can deal well with “issues”, but they need to experience more than just the issues. Ya know?

Also, I agree with BikerBeagle… Talk to your doctor about your depression symptoms, or maybe get a second opinion. I’m by no means an expert on depression, but it seems extreme that you could be doing well for months and then one event could send you into “life’s not worth living” mode.

Good luck!
Last edited by treatmesweetly; September 2,2011 at 5:02am. Reason: fixed a typo...
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #7  September 2,2011, 5:58am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
I think the degree to which you disclose your "issues" will be the deciding factor on whether you are giving TMI or are just telling your date what you are all about.

Absolutely! Zip it! Women are not dumb, they will figure things out AND (most?) make dumb decisions based on delusions of "Mr. Perfect" they get from watching too many movies / romance novels... don't fall into trap of believing that you have to be like Mel Gibson character, or you will end up being like the real Mel Gibson.


You can't change some of the things about yourself. So, as long as you accept and embrace them, you should be fine.
"You do not solve your problems, you grow past them" (C. Jung). Paradigms and methodologies are learned HABITUALLY. What's that mean to you? Practice practice practice. OKCupid is nearly endless source of canidates

Don't do a "tell all" profile where you spill every little detail (good and bad) about you, your issues and what you do when you're having a "down day". That is too much information. Also, don't do this in any e-mail communication either.

Once again, let them make the decision, don't make it for them (what? You think women are perfect? Give me a break!)

You will have to "tell" without giving all the little details all at once. If you have problems with limiting the amount of information you give when talking about your issues then you need to practice.
Practice practice practice

The same thing goes for a first date. Not everything about your or your date needs to be disclosed on that first meeting.

Should be about getting to know them, not telling them why you are not right for them.

Everyone has issues, so don't think you are the only person they have ever encountered who carries some personal baggage. It's how you tell them and how they accept or don't accept what you tell them that will matter.
I'm perfect (in my own mind)

Everything comes out in time. So, I suggest you let things happen naturally. Don't make a "big" deal about telling your date these issues you have. The bigger deal you make about them, the less likely anyone will be willing to accept them.

The fact that you don't drive could be important or not, depending on where you live. I would think in NYC or the Bay Area where there is an abundance of public transportation, the issue of not driving would be of little concern. But in places where the buses stop running at 5 pm and the taxi service is in the next town over, you would face more scrutiny because of this.

I wish you luck.
Has nothing to do with luck... practice practice practice makes habit
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #8  September 2,2011, 6:22am
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #9  September 2,2011, 8:09am
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oknowplz wrote :
Outside of the Aspergers, I suffer from extreme depression anyway that I'm on meds for and see a therapist for, and even with the meds, am subject to mood swings

I'm just wondering if it's fair to be dating or involved with women at all given my issues?
Is it fair to date with extreme depression? Yes, with conditions. This is similar to, is it fair to sell a car that breaks down every other week--sure, as long as you inform the buyer! If your dates pass up on some other guy to spend a Saturday with you when extreme depression would be for them (as with most) a deal-breaker, you are not being considerate or fair to them.

wrote :
I know both men and women date despite having issues...
Absolutely! One of my matches e-mailed me yesterday that she was unemployed. When a match names their faults early, they show respect, and I'm more likely to accept them. A tip--she didn't say "Woe as me, I'm unemployed, will you still date me?", she instead said "I was laid off just recently and that's given me aloooot of time to do x, y, and z that I've always wanted to do, but I've begun looking and my first interview's tomorrow!"

Have you considered whether it's in your best interest to date? I mean, what does your therapist say? Are there more effective ways to spend your time such as exercise, meditation, etc. that while not magical solutions may make a dent in your depression? Realize that depression is more than a chemical imbalance, and that medication is not the be-all, end-all of treatment. I wish you well.
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oknowplz is offline oknowplz Post #10  September 2,2011, 8:37am
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Thanks for all the replies.

I just started seeing my therapist last week actually. Was referred to by my psychiatrist, who I have been seeing since 2007 (around the time of the Asperger diagnosis)...and I see him on Tuesday and will tell him about these mood swings.

I was resistant to therapy because I've had A LOT of bad therapists in the past. My last therapist in 07/08 accused me of transference when I told her that she wasn't doing her job well and didn't seem to care whether I improved (I didn't know what transference was at the time, I wish I had lol I would have been like "You wish!"...as she was butt ugly and not even a good person on top of it.

But this guy, just after one meeting, seems like a sincere, insightful man that will be able to help. For the mood swings, he told me to realize "You are not your emotions." That basically, my emotions are taking over my intellect...and to be cognizant of it.

I guess to be honest, I'm worried (since I tend to only date women I "really like") that something will go wrong when we date and I'll flip out (not on her but myself...I don't act aggressively outwards on other people) or that I'll get too attached or something.

I was very attached to the first girl I dated and I didn't even have full intercourse with her. So perhaps my new therapist can also help me with ways of being less dependent.

That's what's funny really...people with Aspergers aren't supposed to experience strong emotions...but I do.
 
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