akilah712 is offline akilah712 Post #1  August 31,2011, 6:50am
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Hi,

I have a guy friend who I've known for 6 years. We've always liked each other, but we never dated. Four years ago I moved away to live in the same state as my boyfriend and go to graduate school. Anyway that relationship didn't work out.

So I moved back home recently. Anyway over the years we have kept in touch.

Recently we started hanging out again. We have a lot in common, we're both religious, and last week we sat in a parking lot talking for 6 hours.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out again but I cancelled after I remembered that he was a virgin. I was actually hoping he wasn't anymore.

I have personally made the decision not to have sex again until I am married for emotional and personal reasons.

However, I just can't help feeling like I'm not good enough for him.

We're both Christians and well obviously he's kept his vow of purity.

I am well aware that if the shoe was on the other, I wouldn't care. That is, if I was the virgin and he wasn't.

Thank you in advance for your feedback.
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #2  August 31,2011, 6:57am
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Anyway, you are obviously old enough to have lived some life. You are putting too much on yourself. If he accepts you as you are then that is all that matters.

And he just may not still be a virgin by choice..
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #3  August 31,2011, 7:13am
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akilah712 wrote :
I just can't help feeling like I'm not good enough for him.
That is something for him to decide. I don't think it is a good idea to devalue yourself when others do not.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 31,2011, 7:39am
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akilah712 wrote :
Hi,

I have a guy friend who I've known for 6 years. We've always liked each other, but we never dated. Four years ago I moved away to live in the same state as my boyfriend and go to graduate school. Anyway that relationship didn't work out.

So I moved back home recently. Anyway over the years we have kept in touch.

Recently we started hanging out again. We have a lot in common, we're both religious, and last week we sat in a parking lot talking for 6 hours.

Anyway, we were supposed to go out again but I cancelled after I remembered that he was a virgin. I was actually hoping he wasn't anymore.

I have personally made the decision not to have sex again until I am married for emotional and personal reasons.

However, I just can't help feeling like I'm not good enough for him.

We're both Christians and well obviously he's kept his vow of purity.

I am well aware that if the shoe was on the other, I wouldn't care. That is, if I was the virgin and he wasn't.

Thank you in advance for your feedback.
Hmm really?

I find a couple of things interesting about your post. First, that you are religious (Christian) and you are thinking that something, a mistake or however you want to characterize it, means that you will be judged harshly by another person of your same belief. Second, that you are posting on a non-Christian dating message board about it. I just personally find that a bit... idk, I guess odd. Odd because you will mostly be receiving responses from non-Christians.

In whose eyes do you think you arent good enough (and why), and what exactly are you looking for from a group of mostly non-believers?

I'm honestly baffled.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #5  August 31,2011, 7:45am
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Well, you've already canceled, so I'm not sure what the question is---"was that the right thing to do?"

If he knew that was why---"because he is a virgin"---think about how that might make him feel.

He is effectively "being rejected"---at least it would seem from his perspective---because of something which is a good thing, according to your mutual religious perspectives. I would not feel good about that, if I was him.

Even aside from that, and from your perspective, I personally view it as a personal flaw (or self-esteem problem, however you want to put it)---when someone says, "I won't date you, because---" of some "negative" thing about herself. For example, not pure enough, not smart enough, not the right social class, not pretty enough, not worldly enough, and so on.

That's for the other person to judge; not you.

This type of "self-censorship" is sort of a red flag to me, in as much as a person who exhibits lack of self-esteem in that way can often be flighty and ambivalent through the dating process .... Constantly seeming ready to bolt, "because maybe I'm not good enough ..." i.e. "it's not you, it's me ..." "how could anyone ever really love me, it's easier to just end it myself" etc.

I don't know how big a problem that may or may not actually be for you---but if I were him, I would feel uncomfortable if you said to me, "Hey, you know that date I canceled the other day? I really wanted to go on it with you, but I decided not to, because you're a virgin and I'm not, so I'm not pure enough for you" ... That could well make him feel like he was being judgmental and/or that you are insecure.

Did you cancel in a way that you could re-schedule without him really wondering "what's up?"

Are you asking what you should do now?
 
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akilah712 is offline akilah712 Post #6  August 31,2011, 7:49am
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niqht wrote :
Anyway, you are obviously old enough to have lived some life. You are putting too much on yourself. If he accepts you as you are then that is all that matters.

And he just may not still be a virgin by choice..
I want to believe that...but I guess I'm worried that down the road he will change his mind.

It's so rare for find male virgins at this age, I'm 28...
I have a tendency to be relentlessly hard on myself so this is in effect my own issue...

I just don't know if I could live my life with somebody always feeling like I don't measure up.
 
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akilah712 is offline akilah712 Post #7  August 31,2011, 7:52am
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dmi wrote :
That is something for him to decide. I don't think it is a good idea to devalue yourself when others do not.
I think you're right.

I grew up in the church and well I've always struggled to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. Of course Christianity teaches that no sin is greater than the other, but the reality is that sex is a big deal whether or not you're in the church.

I just have this idea in my head that he will use my past against me one day or change his mind...
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  August 31,2011, 7:57am
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The hypocrisy baffles me.
 
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akilah712 is offline akilah712 Post #9  August 31,2011, 7:58am
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Nanette wrote :
Hmm really?

I find a couple of things interesting about your post. First, that you are religious (Christian) and you are thinking that something, a mistake or however you want to characterize it, means that you will be judged harshly by another person of your same belief. Second, that you are posting on a non-Christian dating message board about it. I just personally find that a bit... idk, I guess odd. Odd because you will mostly be receiving responses from non-Christians.

In whose eyes do you think you arent good enough (and why), and what exactly are you looking for from a group of mostly non-believers?

I'm honestly baffled.
Hi,

Honestly my experiences with Christians have been hit or miss. Christians are people just like anybody else and we don't always have the right answers.

The female virgins I know in the church don't want to marry a virgin man. On the contrary the men want to marry or would prefer to marry virgins. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

So I really don't feel great about myself when the topic comes up in church or at home. In fact both of my sisters are still virgins, which makes the prodigal.

So I don't really measure up anywhere and although I absolutely adore this guy, I have the inkling that the luster will wear off and he won't be marry a non-virgin. At one point, I even suggested that he date my sister instead.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  August 31,2011, 8:04am
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akilah712 wrote :
Hi,

Honestly my experiences with Christians have been hit or miss. Christians are people just like anybody else and we don't always have the right answers.

The female virgins I know in the church don't want to marry a virgin man. On the contrary the men want to marry or would prefer to marry virgins. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

So I really don't feel great about myself when the topic comes up in church or at home. In fact both of my sisters are still virgins, which makes the prodigal.

So I don't really measure up anywhere and although I absolutely adore this guy, I have the inkling that the luster will wear off and he won't be marry a non-virgin. At one point, I even suggested that he date my sister instead.
well, theres nothing you have done that God wont forgive you for, but its true that many Christians are known to hold things against other Christians.

also, forgiveness in the human realm doesnt mean that one has to allow the forgiven person into their life, its true.

i guess Christians just like anyone else are allowed their *personal* standards within what they believe, and it seems like from your resposnes to others thats what you are concerned about.

the only way you can know is ask this person... or rather tell them who you are and let them decide. if you *really* think he might hold it against you in the future, it seems like you dont regard him very highly, which makes it also a bit confusing.

sometimes you have to just jump in and see whats what. there arent any guarantees or even best bets other than laying it out on the table.

good luck to you.
 
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