Not feeling it after 3 dates


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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #1  August 28,2011, 7:29am
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I had a third date with a guy last night and just was not feeling it. On our first date everything was great, second date not so much but I had a lot of stressful stuff going on so wanted to give him another chance. We went out last night and I am just not attracted to him at all. We did try kissing but it was hard to do. Our three dates have spanned over 3-4 weeks as we live over an hour apart. I am also moving further away in a few months.

After our first date we did discuss how the distance may be an issue, as well as since he is almost 10 years older he is fixed in his location, and when I finish school I may want to move closer to a zoo. (He lives nowhere near a place I could find work).

I really don't want to hurt his feelings because he is a nice guy. Even if I could become attracted to him, there are other personality issuses of ours that clash so I don't think this could ever work.

Would it be wrong to use the distance/job situation? I don't want to tell him I am not attracted to him because that seems mean.

Honestly I am not used to "dumping" a nice guy. Usually I have dated a guy for a while and then he becomes a jerk so it is then easy to break up.

So how do I end things? Also, I dunno if 3 dates warrent an in person "break up". There has been nothing aside from kissing in the physical departement. We also use IM as our form of communication. We never talk on the phone. We live over an hour apart so it will be another week or so before I could see him again in person.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 28,2011, 7:39am
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Although it has only been three dates if you have his number I would call him.

I would just tell him that while you think hes a great guy (i wouldnt use the word "nice") that there are too many logistical obstacles to hurdle and you just dont feel comfortable going forward. If hes normal (lol sorry, had to add that) he should simply accept that explanation.

I'd just keep it brief and friendly and get off of the phone as quickly as possible.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #3  August 28,2011, 7:44am
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Becca - I just ran into something very similar. I gave the guy 2 dates, and I just was not feeling it. I was contemplating a third, "just to be sure". But, I really didn't want to see him again, nor did I want to have to be the "bad guy" and tell him that I just didn't think this was going to go any further.

In the end, he sent me an email citing "distance" and his "busy schedule" and not being able to devote as much time to dating me as he would like - and I was ecstatically grateful! He even offered to leave the final decision up to me, where if I really wanted to try to make things work, he could find a way to make it work, too. (Some kind of reverse psychology?) Either way, I was off the hook, and I wrote him back to say that I agreed, distance was hard, yada yada and I walked away without feeling guilty.

Part of me wonders whether he was picking up on my iffyness and that's why he suggested the "distance and time problem". But, it doesn't really matter what the real reasoning was, I was off the hook, and very grateful to put an end to things in a mature way. I think at the 2-3 date stage, especially when you don't care to leave things open as "friends", breaking off via email is perfectly fine.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #4  August 28,2011, 8:13am
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It's perfectly okay to break up with a guy who has nothing wrong with him. You don't have to prove your case or anything.

Just thank him for his time and tell him you like him a lot, but that there are too many other factors that don't do it for you. That they outweigh the positive. So it can't work out for you and you're sorry. If you care to, tell him he did a great job planning the dates etc and that with the right girl his efforts would have paid off.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #5  August 28,2011, 8:24am
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Really depends what you want him to think.

beccaf87 wrote :
Would it be wrong to use the distance/job situation? I don't want to tell him I am not attracted to him because that seems mean.
Nanette wrote :
there are too many logistical obstacles to hurdle and you just dont feel comfortable going forward.
Both of these will feel like a line. At least, if it were me, I would think so. I wouldn't challenge it or anything. It doesn't really matter, the net effect is that it is over.

The "I'm not feeling it" statement is a gentler way of saying you're not sufficiently attracted to the person to continue. I guess it is a little more painful to hear, but, he'll walk away feeling like he knows the real reason.

The potential problem with using something like distance/job is that it is possible he can come back with some mitigating circumstances (not so likely in this case, but, in general) and then you still have to deal with breaking up and you have to deal with explaining how it wasn't the real reason.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #6  August 28,2011, 8:25am
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Thanks for everyones advice.

I don't think I will mention that "with the right girl his efforts would have paid off" because it just doesn't sound right. It sounds like one of those cliche break up lines.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #7  August 28,2011, 8:29am
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dmi wrote :
Both of these will feel like a line. At least, if it were me, I would think so. I wouldn't challenge it or anything. It doesn't really matter, the net effect is that it is over.

The "I'm not feeling it" statement is a gentler way of saying you're not sufficiently attracted to the person to continue. I guess it is a little more painful to hear, but, he'll walk away feeling like he knows the real reason.

The potential problem with using something like distance/job is that it is possible he can come back with some mitigating circumstances (not so likely in this case, but, in general) and then you still have to deal with breaking up and you have to deal with explaining how it wasn't the real reason.
I just don't want to hurt his feelings. Even if I was really into him, the distance/job would be a problem. He is set where he is and I have no idea where I will go when I finish school. I would be open to any area near a zoo, but he is several hours from the closest zoo.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  August 28,2011, 8:36am
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beccaf87 wrote :
I just don't want to hurt his feelings. Even if I was really into him, the distance/job would be a problem. He is set where he is and I have no idea where I will go when I finish school. I would be open to any area near a zoo, but he is several hours from the closest zoo.
Yeah, I understand. But, if you were really into him, would you be trying to work it out or ending it now?
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #9  August 28,2011, 8:36am
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Cool cool. I wouldn't advise trying to have a particularly creative breakup though.

Knock knock
Who's there?
You're dumped
Ummmmm.....You're dumped who?

Or make him a magazine collage about your absence of feelings. Or bring a date with you on your next date with him.

...Just playing with all this. No offense intended at all. I know you know what you are doing.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #10  August 28,2011, 8:38am
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dmi wrote :
Yeah, I understand. But, if you were really into him, would you be trying to work it out or ending it now?
Yeah I guess I would be trying harder to work it out.
 
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