HELP! Crazy Mixed Signals


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redyelloworange is offline redyelloworange Post #1  August 27,2011, 7:18am
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I've been seeing a girl for the past 3 months. I met her on eHarmony. She and I relate on a lot of levels. We talk on the phone practically everyday and we see each other once or twice a week. I really like this girl and she says she likes me too, but...

There are 3 things:

1. She is sending me mixed signals physically. She'll let me snuggle with her (lying together, massaging, etc.), but she won't kiss me (I've tried a few times). One time I was kissing her neck and she said she liked it, but when I went up to kiss her mouth she freaked out. We won't hold hands, but a few times she grabbed mine or let me hold hers. This is just weird.

2. Whenever I talk about moving the relationship forward (towards something a bit more serious) she clams up. She says she doesn't know if she can trust me yet and that she wants to get to know me more. I'm having a difficult time with this and can't understand why someone couldn't trust me enough, after 3 months. I am a very transparent and honest person, who shares openly. She's met my family several times (and she really likes them) and I've revealed all of my past relationships (which have no deep scars or secrets attached.). Which leads to...

3. She doesn't reveal much about herself or ask me much about me. I know that she's had at least two serious relationships (1.5 and 3 years long), but when I ask her to talk about those she just gives me really vague responses. But the kind of response that would leave you dying to know more. She also has revealed that she doesn't like her dad too much. She says he was mean growing up, that he yelled a lot. But when probed more she doesn't add anything. It feels like I'm carrying the conversation on and if I stop talking she doesn't talk that much. She says she likes being quiet.

Bottom line: I feel like, if she did open up, stop playing games and decided to trust me, this relationship could go somewhere. Are there things I can do to help her achieve this? I don't want to wait for her much longer if she's never going to change. All of this just feels really odd and it's sad, because I think she's great. HELP!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 27,2011, 7:31am
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redyelloworange wrote :
I've been seeing a girl for the past 3 months. I met her on eHarmony. She and I relate on a lot of levels. We talk on the phone practically everyday and we see each other once or twice a week. I really like this girl and she says she likes me too, but...

There are 3 things:

1. She is sending me mixed signals physically. She'll let me snuggle with her (lying together, massaging, etc.), but she won't kiss me (I've tried a few times). One time I was kissing her neck and she said she liked it, but when I went up to kiss her mouth she freaked out. We won't hold hands, but a few times she grabbed mine or let me hold hers. This is just weird.

2. Whenever I talk about moving the relationship forward (towards something a bit more serious) she clams up. She says she doesn't know if she can trust me yet and that she wants to get to know me more. I'm having a difficult time with this and can't understand why someone couldn't trust me enough, after 3 months. I am a very transparent and honest person, who shares openly. She's met my family several times (and she really likes them) and I've revealed all of my past relationships (which have no deep scars or secrets attached.). Which leads to...

3. She doesn't reveal much about herself or ask me much about me. I know that she's had at least two serious relationships (1.5 and 3 years long), but when I ask her to talk about those she just gives me really vague responses. But the kind of response that would leave you dying to know more. She also has revealed that she doesn't like her dad too much. She says he was mean growing up, that he yelled a lot. But when probed more she doesn't add anything. It feels like I'm carrying the conversation on and if I stop talking she doesn't talk that much. She says she likes being quiet.

Bottom line: I feel like, if she did open up, stop playing games and decided to trust me, this relationship could go somewhere. Are there things I can do to help her achieve this? I don't want to wait for her much longer if she's never going to change. All of this just feels really odd and it's sad, because I think she's great. HELP!
dont try to force someone into something they arent comfortable with and yourself into something YOU arent comfortable with. she's correct to honor her feelings... not really sure why you want to play analyst and try to get her to do something shes not comfortable with.

bottom line: you wait till shes comfortable or move on. i'd personally resent someone trying to push me into something i didnt feel comfortable with. i'd much rather they leave.... poof even
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #3  August 27,2011, 8:45am
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You are failing to see how much trust she has givin you. You need to enjoy what you have without some time table about expectations and be patient. Or leave her alone. She is not playing games, she is tip-toeing around hurt and giving you all she can as she can.

But, I can tell you that bailing on her now will hurt her more than you think.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #4  August 27,2011, 8:54am
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People who are dating are usually putting their best foot forward. If she is not opening up after three months to show you her "real" self, then this behavior IS who she is.

Your needs are different than hers, and don't expect her to change for you. It might be better to move on to some one else who could be a better fit for you.
Last edited by Shelby; August 27,2011 at 9:03am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  August 27,2011, 9:41am
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Wow, I can't believe some of the responses.

This girl has issues that SHE needs to resolve before she is going to be in a position to be a "good" date. My advice is to move on to a whole person who can be a "good" date.

FWIW she is not playing games even though to you it seems like game playing.
 
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CurbedMyEnthusiasm is offline CurbedMyEnthusiasm Post #6  August 27,2011, 9:42am
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3 months and she won't kiss you? This is, what, about 20 times you've seen her? I'd say it's pretty clear she just wants a platonic shoulder to cry on, but it doesn't even seem she wants to open up to you.

Either she just isn't that into you or she has some serious, serious baggage. Decide if you want to deal with the baggage, but IMO this is a woman who needs professional help (I'm not joking) because there are major intimacy issues on multiple levels.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  August 27,2011, 10:00am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Wow, I can't believe some of the responses.

This girl has issues that SHE needs to resolve before she is going to be in a position to be a "good" date. My advice is to move on to a whole person who can be a "good" date.

FWIW she is not playing games even though to you it seems like game playing.
I agree! They've been dating 3 months and haven't even kissed? And the guy is being chastised for "forcing" himself upon her? Really?!?!?

This woman, based on what little has been revealed, has some serious hang ups. She may have been abused in the past or something, but she is waaaayyyyy too withdrawn with a man she's been dating for several months. I am completely wary of people who won't reveal even basic stuff about their past, or get very vague when discussing things. Nothing good ever comes from continuing with a person like that.

As far as the OP saying if she'd just open up he's sure they'd be great together, etc.... he's fantasizing and filling in the blanks of what he hopes she's like and not what she's really like.

It's time for him to end this "friendship" (it barely seems to be a friendship if she won't even open up to him verbally) and find a real girlfriend.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  August 27,2011, 10:00am
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Three months and you're still in the cuddle buddy zone?? You should've moved on about three months ago.
 
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Cind_Vic is offline Cind_Vic Post #9  August 27,2011, 10:02am
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Clearly, you two are looking for different things from the relationship, and it doesn't seem that your wants and needs are compatible. Time to move on.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #10  August 27,2011, 10:05am
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[QUOTE=redyelloworange;1413276]
but she won't kiss me (I've tried a few times). One time I was kissing her neck and she said she liked it, but when I went up to kiss her mouth she freaked out.

She says she doesn't know if she can trust me yet and that she wants to get to know me more.

It feels like I'm carrying the conversation on and if I stop talking she doesn't talk that much. She says she likes being quiet.

QUOTE]


It sounds like she has some serious trust/intimacy issues. How are you suppose to build a healthy relationship with someone who does not communicate and states "she likes being quiet"

I would carefully consider whether or not you should continue seeing her, it sounds to me like she is not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone.
Last edited by upstategirl; August 27,2011 at 11:19am. Reason: typo
 
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