mozzer is offline mozzer Post #1  August 26,2011, 5:55pm
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When did this become an acceptable way to break things off when you've been seeing someone and it's become physical?

Background: we dated long-distance (3 hour drive) for two months and had the equivalent of 10 dates. His reason for ending things was that the distance made it difficult to connect with me. I think the reasoning is valid (although it's possible he met someone else and didn't want to admit that), but I'm surprised a man in his 40s would not have the cajones to call me on the phone and tell me as much. This was a guy, who, by all definitions seemed like a person of integrity--successful in his work, active in his church, volunteers in his community, etc.

BTW, I walk the walk. I know it's hard to be in the situation where you have to let someone down for whatever reason (met someone else, just not working, etc.) and I know you dread making the phone call...but I've still done it because it's the right thing to do!

So, am I all worked up for no reason? Should I just:

1. Count my blessings that I learned early on that he was a cold, heartless robot--because only that type of person would break up with someone by email?

-OR-

2. Deal with the fact that he was "honest" with me and not get my feelings hurt about the way the message was delivered?
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  August 26,2011, 6:39pm
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mozzer wrote :
So, am I all worked up for no reason? Should I just:

1. Count my blessings that I learned early on that he was a cold, heartless robot--because only that type of person would break up with someone by email?

-OR-

2. Deal with the fact that he was "honest" with me and not get my feelings hurt about the way the message was delivered?
Wow. I assume that by "physical"...you mean a sexual relationship?

My personal opinion...once a "sexual" relationship is established...nothing less than a personal face-to-face talk...will suffice. I simply cannot imagine the circumstances that would allow for anything less.

No phone call. No email.

Still...I choose number 1. Count my blessings.

And...Learn to be a better judge of Character.

There is much more to Character than being "successful" at work, "active" in church, and "volunteering" in a community. Those say little, really...about a person's sense of what is Right...and what is Wrong.

I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way.

j8a
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  August 26,2011, 6:46pm
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mozzer wrote :
When did this become an acceptable way to break things off when you've been seeing someone and it's become physical?

Background: we dated long-distance (3 hour drive) for two months and had the equivalent of 10 dates. His reason for ending things was that the distance made it difficult to connect with me. I think the reasoning is valid (although it's possible he met someone else and didn't want to admit that), but I'm surprised a man in his 40s would not have the cajones to call me on the phone and tell me as much. This was a guy, who, by all definitions seemed like a person of integrity--successful in his work, active in his church, volunteers in his community, etc.

BTW, I walk the walk. I know it's hard to be in the situation where you have to let someone down for whatever reason (met someone else, just not working, etc.) and I know you dread making the phone call...but I've still done it because it's the right thing to do!

So, am I all worked up for no reason? Should I just:

1. Count my blessings that I learned early on that he was a cold, heartless robot--because only that type of person would break up with someone by email?

-OR-

2. Deal with the fact that he was "honest" with me and not get my feelings hurt about the way the message was delivered?
the distance made it difficult to connect? he didnt seem to have much trouble "connecting" with you physically...

hes just a jerk. count your blessings. i'm sorry this happened to you
 
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mozzer is offline mozzer Post #4  August 26,2011, 7:05pm
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Thanks for your support. It's been several years since I've really dated or had a relationship with someone, and I didn't know if the dating world had changed so much that email breakups had become the norm. Yes, I agree a face-to-face talk would've been even better, but not quite realistic given the long distance, so a phone call was all I was asking for.

I see now that I moved too quickly in trusting him, against my better judgment, as perhaps more time spent together would have illuminated his true colors. But, I'm trying to stay positive and not let this setback distract me from finding the one.

Still, I'm curious to hear the male point of view on this situation?
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #5  August 26,2011, 7:25pm
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I could give it, but it wouldn't be relevant:
I don't get physical with someone I'm not already prepared to put the time and effort into a relationship and see where it leads, ie. long term.

Basically, he was a putz, and he did connect with you... for all he could stand to drive 3 hours for until he realized he wanted quicker spur of the moment 'physical' in which case it wasn't worth it anymore.

#1

#2 he was not honest with you, it was just an easy, unarguable excuse he had waiting.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #6  August 26,2011, 7:31pm
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[QUOTE=mozzer;1413196]
wrote :
When did this become an acceptable way to break things off when you've been seeing someone and it's become physical?
It hasn't become acceptable........the word coward comes to mind.

Be glad you found out sooner rather than later what kind of person he really was.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  August 27,2011, 4:28am
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mozzer wrote :
Thanks for your support. It's been several years since I've really dated or had a relationship with someone, and I didn't know if the dating world had changed so much that email breakups had become the norm. Yes, I agree a face-to-face talk would've been even better, but not quite realistic given the long distance, so a phone call was all I was asking for.
Unfortunately this seems to be the norm. Not acceptable, but happens more often than not. There's the break up by e mail, text, and even fax. The age group has nothing to do with it. We've become a disposable society and somewhat dismissive of others. I am sorry you experienced this heartless disconnect, but in my opinion better to find out what he's like early in the game. I suspect this is the way he handles situations that have potential for conflict. You deserve a classier man.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  August 27,2011, 5:32am
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Poor character seems to be the norm more often than not these days and some people wear very good masks. Be kind to yourself in this. It's very hard to strike a balance between being open and trusting and taking care of yourself.

I've experienced this as well, in the form of a phone call ending a 7 month relationship where a week before he was assuring me that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and planning trips six months out. Less than a month later, he was doing it all over again with someone else. Of course, that one was my fault - there were red flags all over the field.

There are a lot of broken people in this world. Try not to let them break you in the process of sorting them out.

Be grateful. You dodged a bullet.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  August 27,2011, 6:24am
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mozzer wrote :
When did this become an acceptable way to break things off when you've been seeing someone and it's become physical?
I suppose I have a slightly different perspective on this. If you met online and email was your day-to-day, primary form of communication, that makes it - if not 'acceptable' (using the definition of that term loosely) - then at least somewhat 'justifiable'. Sure, it would have been better to get a phone call, or better yet, an in-person conversation ...but it could also have been worse to get a text or nothing at all (which actually *is* becoming the "norm" - and more "acceptable" the more we get acclimatized to it - these days).

I don't know, I'm just feeling a little forgiving today - for some strange reason (totally out of character for me - ask anyone!), but I see this as nothing more than a faux pas in manners - like putting the salad fork on the wrong side of the plate.

mozzer wrote :
Background: we dated long-distance (3 hour drive) for two months and had the equivalent of 10 dates. His reason for ending things was that the distance made it difficult to connect with me. I think the reasoning is valid (although it's possible he met someone else and didn't want to admit that), but I'm surprised a man in his 40s would not have the cajones to call me on the phone and tell me as much. This was a guy, who, by all definitions seemed like a person of integrity--successful in his work, active in his church, volunteers in his community, etc.
Does it really even *matter* how (or even why) he broke up with you? You act as if the rejection would have been somewhat more palapable if he had called, rather than emailed ...but, be honest with yourself, would it really be?

Even though you admit that his reason was 'valid' (and it is for a long distance relationship), you obviously question and doubt it ...but would getting the 'other' reason - *your* reason - make this whole situation any easier?

mozzer wrote :
So, am I all worked up for no reason?
In my opinion, yes. In the bigger scheme of things, break-ups are not easily accepted immediately and this one certainly could have been done better ...and it certainly could have been done worse.

Bottom line ...you are essentially arguing the route taken after you have reached your destination.

mozzer wrote :
2. Deal with the fact that he was "honest" with me and not get my feelings hurt about the way the message was delivered?
This.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  August 27,2011, 6:33am
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Nanette wrote :
the distance made it difficult to connect? he didnt seem to have much trouble "connecting" with you physically...

hes just a jerk. count your blessings. i'm sorry this happened to you
Exactly.

But BB is right in that there's not much point in getting worked up about it, and it would have been just as hurtful in any other form, largely because it seems he wasn't honest with himself or with you about what he really wanted or was capable of.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; August 27,2011 at 6:36am.
 
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