How should I bring this up with him?


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mishmosh is offline mishmosh Post #1  August 26,2011, 4:07pm
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I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now, and a week and a half ago, we decided that we were going to be exclusive. He said he would be "honored" to call me his girlfriend, but we haven't exchanged those terms with friends or anything yet. I'm still also getting used to the thought of him being my boyfriend.

So here's the problem: we met through OKCupid and his profile is still active. I know this because he came up in a search for one of my friends. Although we discussed and agreed to exclusivity, we never really talked about taking our profiles down. I made a personal choice to take mine down, and since we didn't discuss it, it would seem a little unfair to EXPECT him to do the same, which is why I would like to have a conversation with him about it. However, I'm not sure how to start it without coming off as clingy/jealous/needy. I would feel more comfortable if he at least updated his profile to say that he is seeing someone, but it still says that he is single.

He has repeatedly told me that he isn't seeing anyone else, and I do trust him, but I wonder how serious he is about our relationship if he is still logging on to the website?

Am I in over my head? We only decided exclusivity very recently, so maybe I am expecting too much?
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #2  August 26,2011, 4:35pm
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I'd say, no, you are not expecting too much. Exclusive means (in my book, anyway) that neither of you is dating or entertaining the notion of dating others.

If it were me, I'd ask him if he's taken his profile down and wait to hear what he says.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #3  August 26,2011, 4:46pm
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Or just tell him, "I wanted to let you know that I've removed my profile." See if he mentions his; if he doesn't, then you can specifically ask about his. Asking if he's removed it without context is pretty challenging and shows suspicion - give him the benefit of your trust, or at least act like you do.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 26,2011, 4:53pm
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mishmosh wrote :
I have been dating a guy for a little over a month now, and a week and a half ago, we decided that we were going to be exclusive. He said he would be "honored" to call me his girlfriend, but we haven't exchanged those terms with friends or anything yet. I'm still also getting used to the thought of him being my boyfriend.

So here's the problem: we met through OKCupid and his profile is still active. I know this because he came up in a search for one of my friends. Although we discussed and agreed to exclusivity, we never really talked about taking our profiles down. I made a personal choice to take mine down, and since we didn't discuss it, it would seem a little unfair to EXPECT him to do the same, which is why I would like to have a conversation with him about it. However, I'm not sure how to start it without coming off as clingy/jealous/needy. I would feel more comfortable if he at least updated his profile to say that he is seeing someone, but it still says that he is single.

He has repeatedly told me that he isn't seeing anyone else, and I do trust him, but I wonder how serious he is about our relationship if he is still logging on to the website?

Am I in over my head? We only decided exclusivity very recently, so maybe I am expecting too much?
The best way to handle something like this is to wait longer to be exclusive. obviously thats not going to help you much now. who brought up exclusivity?

Imo theres not really a way to bring it up with finesse and once you agree to exclusivity its a bit difficult to go back.

i guess all you can do at this point is just ask him if hes continuing to maintain his profile and use the dating service.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #5  August 26,2011, 4:58pm
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If you're looking for specific ways to "bring this up with him," try asking him for his definition of "exclusivity". Half the battle (between the sexes) is simply asking the question, so that we know we're on the same page... whatever that question may be.

It's possible that he completely forgot to remove his profile... that could explain why so many frustrated daters receive no response from those they contact. However, it's also possible that like many married or otherwise-involved-in-a-relationship guys found online, he's just keeping his options open. The point is, you won't know until you ask the question.

Good luck!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  August 26,2011, 5:21pm
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mishmosh wrote :
He has repeatedly told me that he isn't seeing anyone else, and I do trust him, but I wonder how serious he is about our relationship if he is still logging on to the website?

Am I in over my head? We only decided exclusivity very recently, so maybe I am expecting too much?
Is he still logging on? You know this for sure?

I only had the "talk" once. But I had been "exclusive" from the very start. That's the only way I can be...when I am absolutely serious about a man.

I knew he was exclusive as well...months prior to the talk. The reason...we were together every weekend from Friday night through Monday morning...and one-two nights during the week.

He didn't have time to see anybody else. I think that's just about the very best way to handle it.

j8a
 
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mishmosh is offline mishmosh Post #7  August 26,2011, 5:33pm
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Thanks everyone. It seems like there is no easy way to do it but to just ask him what it means to him to be exclusive or for me to tell him that I took down my profile and see how he reacts.

Before we agreed to be exclusive he would casually say that he wasn't seeing anyone else. At time that I was ok with him dating other women. And if he didn't bring up exclusivity then I'd also be ok with him dating other people. But what is bothering me is that he told me he wanted to be seeing only me, we both agreed to exclusivity, and I trusted him with those words. So it seems like I just need to get a straight definition of what exclusive means to him.

I was with my friend during a class break when she did the search and found him. I told her that that was the guy I was dating, and out of curiosity we clicked on his profile and he was last active last night.

I'm now wondering if there's a difference between exclusivity and commitment? I'm pretty new at this, and I like him a lot, so I don't want to scare him away. At the same time though, I want to stay true to myself, and I know what works for me and what doesn't.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #8  August 26,2011, 5:34pm
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[QUOTE=mishmosh;1413165] but I wonder how serious he is about our relationship if he is still logging on to the website?
QUOTE]


You stated his profile is still up, but how do you know he still logging in onto the website?
Last edited by upstategirl; August 26,2011 at 5:41pm. Reason: posted at almost the same time.....so now I see the answer to my question
 
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ChainMan is offline ChainMan Post #9  August 26,2011, 7:21pm
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Put your profile back up, log-in often, and wait for HIM to bring it up.

Seriously, both of you should KEEP your profiles up, but change both statuses to "Seeing Someone," and remove all photos. OKC is a fun site to get to know each other better (things that don't come up in everyday dating conversation). Take some of the same TESTS and answer a lot more QUESTIONS to compare answers. Unlike eHarmony, OKC is great for two people to match each other (political views, hypothethical scenarios, personal values, and life goals based on hundreds/thousands of questions).
Last edited by ChainMan; August 26,2011 at 7:39pm.
 
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OctoberRust is offline OctoberRust Post #10  August 27,2011, 3:46am
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I went through a similar situation with my boyfriend still being active on EH, I did NOT bring it up. I took time (a week or two) to think about whether I wanted to ask him about being active on the site. I decided that I trust him and there was no need for me to check up on his activity or think that he was trying to hide anything. (I also considered that the "last login" feature might be bugged and inaccurate.) I never brought it up, I never checked his profile again, and it was the right decision. Eventually I found that he was still talking with EH girls as friends only. I told him that bothered me so he stopped.

Basically, this might be a non-issue for you. Think about the situation for a few days before bringing it up. Don't continue to check if he is active, it will drive you crazy. If you still need to talk about it after a week, simply ask him "Are you still active on OKCupid or other dating sites?" If he says yes, ask him why... it might be innocent. If he says no, tell him what happened with your friend and see if he gets defensive or has a good reason. If the subject comes up naturally over the course of time, without you bringing it up, tell him what happened with you and your friend if you are still bothered by it.

Relationships need trust...
 
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