How should I bring this up with him?


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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #11  August 27,2011, 4:19am
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If he was the person who brought up exclusivity and he is still on Cupid I would ask him out right. Who cares if he thinks you're clingy or needy. You had 'the talk' and reached an agreement, now he needs to walk the walk. Other than checking mail, and I am not sure why he would continue to do that unless he's keeping his options open - there is no reason to be on the site. It's a dating site not a 'friend' site. If he gets upset you have enough to go on to know he's being deceptive. Sorry, but someone in a relationship does not need the entertainment of Ok Cupid. It's insulting to you and disrespectful .
 
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ChainMan is offline ChainMan Post #12  August 27,2011, 5:18am
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OctoberRust wrote :
Basically, this might be a non-issue for you. Think about the situation for a few days before bringing it up. Don't continue to check if he is active, it will drive you crazy. If you still need to talk about it after a week, simply ask him "Are you still active on OKCupid or other dating sites?" If he says yes, ask him why... it might be innocent. If he says no, tell him what happened with your friend and see if he gets defensive or has a good reason. If the subject comes up naturally over the course of time, without you bringing it up, tell him what happened with you and your friend if you are still bothered by it.

Relationships need trust...
She shouldn't ask a question she already knows the answer. Otherwise he will defensively say "Why did you ask then?" and turn this around on her. He may not believe that her friend found him, and he could think that she's the one with trust issues.

Maybe he is wrapping-up communication with other women with whom he was communicating with before exclusivity. Also, people do use that site for strictly platonic friendship and long-distance pen pals. Not likely, but possible.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #13  August 27,2011, 5:50am
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Watch what people do, not what they say. A more definite statement of exclusive dating would have been to take his profile down and tell you that he had.

There *are* innocent reasons he might still be logging in. The only acceptable one, as far as I'm concerned, is that he'd be wrapping up communication with matches. But, if that's the case, he should have done that before bringing up exclusive status.

I don't buy the idea of using dating sites to make friends, but then I'm a bit of an outlier in that I believe opposite-gender friends when in an exclusive relationship are a tricky proposition and require better judgment and boundaries than most people have. It isn't a trust issue - it's a time and energy issue.

I think a talk about what exclusive means to each, as well as some communication on relationship expectations, is in order. I also think one month in is pretty fast - and that's not always a good thing.

I would not mention his profile or what you found. I would simply watch and wait and make my decision based on what I observed, not on what I was being told. Well, that's what I'd do if I was smart (but I'm not always).
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #14  August 27,2011, 11:37am
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There have been some good bits of advice from the others so far.

I see in this thread / the OP's posts some of the classic problems with the concept of becoming exclusive. That is miscommunication and assumptions.

Exclusivity is something that must be discussed and clearly defined.so that neither of you have any misunderstanding of what the other thinks and expects out of being exclusive. One or the other of you saying "I am not dating anyone else" does not constitute being exclusive. Nor does saying something about being boyfriend / girlfriend.

Another misconception of exclusivity that I have seen in this (and many others) is that exclusivity is something that is determined by one person. Just because YOU have chosen to not date or seek to date anyone else, meaning you are exclusive to your match, does not make the RELATIONSHIP exclusive.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #15  August 27,2011, 12:05pm
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Now that I think of it, OKC is wonky when it comes to logins; I was signed in almost 24/7 when I was on that site. I would sign out, even clear cookies or turn my computer off, and would get messages asking why I was online and not responding. I asked a friend to check it out and she confirmed that I was signed in hours after I had logged out.

Also, I believe opening an email from them signs you in.

So, if it's going to nag at you - bring it up. Chances are he wasn't actively using the site. I do agree with others that, after having a conversation re: being exclusive, taking down dating profiles is a "duh."
 
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