If you meet and find her unattractive but she doesnt contact you again, is that "poofing"? Do you care?


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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #1  August 25,2011, 8:05am
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I find this subject absolutely fascinating!

So you meet and you find her unattractive. You dont contact her because, well, youre busy and it just slipped your mind for the moment. She never contacts you either. Are mutual poofs okay?

The thing is this: you probably dont care. Why? Because you arent attracted to her. Its the ones that you want a second date with that are all of a sudden evil rude non-communicators that are deserving of a well-worded rebuke. Right?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  August 25,2011, 9:04am
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Unless there was something said about a second date then there really would not be any poofing. If something is said about a second date then there must be some indication that one of you has to do something to set the date up and that the ball is in their court. There is no such thing as "mutual" poofing. The poofee is the one who sent a communication, they had the ball and put in the other persons court. The poofer is the person who ignores the communication.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #3  August 25,2011, 10:31am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Unless there was something said about a second date then there really would not be any poofing. If something is said about a second date then there must be some indication that one of you has to do something to set the date up and that the ball is in their court. There is no such thing as "mutual" poofing. The poofee is the one who sent a communication, they had the ball and put in the other persons court. The poofer is the person who ignores the communication.
I agree.

Although it sometimes happens that two people are mutually "not attracted" or "mutually agree there are dealbreakers" after one date, and therefore the date ends with both awkwardly sort of saying, "Take care, it was nice meeting you"---and nothing else---I think this is pretty rare.

I think most dates end with one person being at least somewhat interested in the other, and people almost always say, "This was fun, let's do it again sometime" or at least, "I'll call you."

We know they're frequently lying, but still .... If a date ends with someone saying, "I had fun, thanks for dinner, let's do this again sometime, give me a call" ....

... and I call her and she doesn't answer or call back or reply in any way, that I consider "poofing" ... and rude and bad and out of balance with the universal harmony of the cosmos and so on.

If I end a date with no reference to the future at all, and just say, "Thanks for joining me, it was nice meeting you. Good luck in your search." or "Take care." or whatever ...

and I never hear from her again, I assume she either was not interested herself, or correctly perceived that I was not interested.

That's all a pure hypothetical, however, in the sense that only once did I ever actually go on a first date in which I was not interested at all in a second date. (She unwisely chose to discuss some choices she made with regard to defaulting on a mortgage on a condo which I found to be a red flag.) I said nothing at the end except, "It was nice to meet you, have a good weekend."

She emailed me later, thanking me and saying, "Let's get together again," so I did email back saying something to the effect of I wasn't interested but good luck in her search ....

If I had not responded at all, that would have been a Bad Thing.

I really couldn't imagine deliberately completely ignoring or misleading someone. That's the bottom-line with "poofing."
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  August 25,2011, 10:36am
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I think if neither party is interested and they mutually poof then all is fine. What's the problem is when one side reaches out and it is ignored after the fact. Even a simple thank you note should be acknowledged. That's just polite.

But, there are people out there who don't take rejection well and will consider the other person poofed even when the other person was quite clear with their disinterest.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #5  August 25,2011, 11:12am
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Even I found I wasnt attracted to her I would still send a thank you message either in text or an email.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  August 25,2011, 4:44pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
I think if neither party is interested and they mutually poof then all is fine. What's the problem is when one side reaches out and it is ignored after the fact. Even a simple thank you note should be acknowledged. That's just polite.

This is the best advice.

If two people both walk away disinterested, it is no issue (and probably obvious at the time.)

When one person ignores a communication, that is rude.

What is worse still is when one person actively agreed to another meeting, and then poofed. That person is both rude and a liar - and it does no one any good that such people are out there, infoming the rest of us how to treat the opposite gender.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  August 25,2011, 5:09pm
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you still dont think that people actually change their minds and have to call them a liar?

all it is is that they changed their mind and didnt inform you.

thats just so weird to me that you think that once someone says something like that its written in stone, and any variation from that is a lie.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  August 25,2011, 5:12pm
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junetest wrote :
Such a gentleman.

I couldn't care less if they don't contact me anymore.
well, I don't do it for you...I do it for me.
 
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CurbedMyEnthusiasm is offline CurbedMyEnthusiasm Post #9  August 25,2011, 6:01pm
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My issue with it is, if you agree to another date (yeah, nothing is truly "agreed" to until it happens) and then they "poof"...Well, you don't want to invade their privacy or harass them, but it is very discourteous to let someone wait for a few days or so until they realize you're not calling back.

Maybe it's just my OCD, but I don't get how or why people don't close out matches. Get them off my communications tab and stop sending me updates on them. I think, at least in OC, that they can no longer archive you and have no choice but to close.

I'll admit to having somewhat of an odd curiosity about how much I would actually have to push someone who's not interested to close a match. Just a psychological experiment, if you will, but obviously not one where we're anonymous enough to test (besides being terribly rude).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  August 25,2011, 6:09pm
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Nanette wrote :
you still dont think that people actually change their minds and have to call them a liar?

all it is is that they changed their mind and didnt inform you.

thats just so weird to me that you think that once someone says something like that its written in stone, and any variation from that is a lie.

No, I don't.

And if they are unsure, they should say that.

I just live in a simple world where I can make a simple decision, without a week of mental paralysis, and see it through.

And, in the unlikely event they did "change their mind," they should have the basic civility to inform a person who is expecting them to do what they said they would do.

I for one do not much want to deal with people who I can not take at their word.
 
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