Decisions, decisions...


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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #11  August 24,2011, 4:49am
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Angelkrista wrote :
Fewer "concepts" are more true, if you can't be happy where you are, you likely won't be happy anywhere else. I'm a firm believer in internal happiness. You can't count on or depend on anything outside of yourself for your own personal happiness.
I disagree. Some people are happier in the city, some in the country, some in the mountains and some on the beach. Location can be a happiness factor and it is external. That is not unusual for many people. Make sure you can handle living in a metro area or you'll be more unhappy than you are now, even if you meet Prince Charming. In other words, make sure you can go back if you discover that you really are a small town girl and like a close-knit community.

It's not a good sign that you care where your ex will be living, but moving to find the right place for you is never a bad idea. The world is huge and there's no harm in trying out different options.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #12  August 24,2011, 5:02am
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CurbedMyEnthusiasm wrote :
I'm confused, is her ex being there giving her reservations or encouraging her to move there?
The way I read the OP she is still hung up on her ex. The fact that he is moving to the same city she is considering moving to increases her comfort level in moving.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #13  August 24,2011, 5:20am
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Let me try and help you clarify some of your issues here.

1) Living in a small or rural town is going to naturally have a smaller dating pool than a larger city. There are simply fewer people.

2) When you live in a small town, increasing your distance may get you more matches because your distance now includes one or more big cities. The downside with respect to you is that if your match is living in the bigger city and getting matches local to him he has little incentive to consider you.

You should not base your move on a possibly larger dating pool. You should consider moving from all the other aspects of your life and that getting a possible larger dating pool would just be a bonus.
3) Moving puts you closer to your family. This would be a plus.
4) You like the area where you live now. So moving would be a minus.
5) You need to consider the job / career aspects of moving. How much do you like your job, how stable is your job, is there growth potential, etc. Then you need to consider the same things about the job you would have if you move. Make a table listing all the things about your old job and new job and rate each thing and see if one comes out a lot better than the other.

And lastly and most important. You seem to still have strong feelings for your ex. You need to get this resolved before making any decision to move.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #14  August 24,2011, 6:58am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
And lastly and most important. You seem to still have strong feelings for your ex. You need to get this resolved before making any decision to move.
I thought that living in a rural area meant that her ex now counted as a close friend. It's tougher to let go, even after a divorce, in a small town. Anywhere that family and even one friend lives seems safer then. She might not like a metro area, however. Relationships can be diluted in a city because people are less clingy there. In fact, a small town girl might seem like a liability to a big city guy who is used to less intense relationships and more space. If she's still interested in her ex, of course she needs to work on cutting ties, but I believe that will happen automatically after they've moved somewhere they have no mutual connections unless they really should still be together after all.
 
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lookingforlove123 is offline lookingforlove123 Post #15  August 24,2011, 8:53am
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Thanks everyone for the words of insight and the wisdom. To clear up the thing with the ex- one of the intiial disagreements that in part led to the break-up was that he could not see himself staying in the town we couldn't stay in. We now have a good strong friendship and although I am fully prepared to move on, I would be lying if I said there wasn't some lingering hope that maybe things will work out in the future- but I am not and will not move to be close to him.

Moving to a bigger city has appeal not just for the bigger dating pool, but in general the larger selection of people at the same stage in life. Being in my early 30's single and without kids, most of my friends in both places are married with kids. I am finding it hard currently to find even single girlfriends to spend time with.

All other things being equal (even though I'm far from family I get lots of time off to go and visit)-
--- where I currently live wins out for the job opportunity and overall lifestyle
--- being closer to the city wins out for building relationships. The job is still good but there is less time off.

Having previously been very career focused in the past to the detriment of relationships, I now want to focus on the relationships. But I'm not sure how much of this issue I can place on the nature of living in a small town, and how much is just crap I need to deal with- regardless of where I am living.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #16  August 24,2011, 9:44am
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Yes. Go. Now! Absolutely. Go get the packing boxes. There's always something to miss about wherever you used to live. Can't let that stop you.

This ex of yours might be the right guy for you after all. Or he might merely be the catalyst for you to move into a new phase of life. But regardless, don't fight it. Go!

You could always move back if it turned out to be a mistake. But you can't force the stars to realign again and give you back a missed opportunity. Gotta take them all--whenever you can. Did I say go? Yes, I believe I did.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #17  August 24,2011, 12:25pm
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You say that your priority is finding a relationship, so go where that's bound to happen. I listen to many friends in their 40s stuck in places they're not meeting people and now they're stuck there with houses and jobs they would have a hard time replacing.

When you meet someone you may both agree to move together.

I went to a city to have a large dating pool, met my SO and we now share a life in a third place we were both excited to live and work in.
 
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Angelkrista is offline Angelkrista Post #18  August 24,2011, 1:35pm
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harnomygirl wrote :
I disagree. Some people are happier in the city, some in the country, some in the mountains and some on the beach. Location can be a happiness factor and it is external. That is not unusual for many people. Make sure you can handle living in a metro area or you'll be more unhappy than you are now, even if you meet Prince Charming. In other words, make sure you can go back if you discover that you really are a small town girl and like a close-knit community.

It's not a good sign that you care where your ex will be living, but moving to find the right place for you is never a bad idea. The world is huge and there's no harm in trying out different options.
I'm not saying that there aren't external things in life that can't increase your happiness, if there wasn't room for growth in that area then we would all have no reason to strive for more.

What I am saying, however, is that happiness is a choice, it is internal, and if you allow external factors to control it then you're basing your happiness on things you can't control and that can and may be fleeting. For instance, if the OP was basing her happiness on being in a larger city around the specific type of people she was looking for, and didn't find it, then she is not going to be happy.

Though you are correct, the dependency on other people and things for ones own happiness is not unusual, but that doesn't mean I agree with it. I see miserable people all the time and hear the same ole mantra "if only this...if only that...". I'm not saying the OP should or shouldn't move, I am just hoping she is not counting on it for her own happiness and I think based on the original post that she needs to really evaluate why she wants to go. Just my spin on it.
 
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lookingforlove123 is offline lookingforlove123 Post #19  August 24,2011, 6:40pm
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AngelKrista- you have actually voiced the debate in my head and what I am trying to sort through. I do think a lot of it is "internal" stuff that I need to work on, and it is this thought that makes me think I am better staying put. BUT, knowing that I am working on the personal stuff but that my current situation doesn't seem to be vibing with my current goals in life- I am wondering if it is better to move to a place where I think I might be just as happy , not happier but that may fit better with my current stage in life.
 
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