WOW!! He was a SWinger... I'm speechless!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  August 17,2011, 5:52pm
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You may not know me... but trust me when I say that I am probably as far away from the Swinger... or Poly lifestyle as you can get. I enjoy physical activity in the confines of a trusting and long-term relationship. I figured I needed to start a separate thread on this one... because I really, really am speechless.

Turns out SDD was a swinger!! Yup, he and his ex-wife. Now, I don't know what to say or do. He didn't reveal this before we met (I gave him a second chance and we did lunch together).

I have always considered myself somewhat open-minded about a number of things, but have never run into a situation like this (my life seems to be full of firsts lately!). Anyhoo... during lunch he tells me that he used to be a swinger with his ex-wife, but doesn't do that anymore. I'm trying, really trying to be open-minded with this one... but my brain is saying run, run fast and don't look back!

Would you, could you, should you??? even try on this one? Everything else about him I like, but this is so drastically different than anything I would feel comfortable with. I'm thinking about just telling him thanks, but no thanks. It's just that I'm trying to be more open, and I seem to be finding reasons to turn down guys, but each of the reasons really seemed to have merit like this one.

Valid reason or excuse? What think?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  August 17,2011, 5:58pm
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One thing I do - which helps me to make better decisions - is to treat each statement as if it might be true.

And thus might not.

And, thus, not use it for more than it is worth.

And thus, base my choices on something more concrete - like how the person treats me, and how I feel about them.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #3  August 17,2011, 6:02pm
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Please tell me why, if this is indeed a part of his *past,* this man you have never met before today would share this tid-bit of very personal information w/ you?
 
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savman is offline savman Post #4  August 17,2011, 6:05pm
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I don't think that by itself is a reason to run. You certainly should let him know that lifestyle is not something you would ever engage in yourself. If he says something like, "well, you might change your mind someday" or "don't knock it until you have tried it." Then you can run.

If his response is something along the lines of "that is not a problem, it is not something I need in my life." Then you can proceed and get to know him better.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  August 17,2011, 6:12pm
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savman wrote :
I don't think that by itself is a reason to run. You certainly should let him know that lifestyle is not something you would ever engage in yourself. If he says something like, "well, you might change your mind someday" or "don't knock it until you have tried it." Then you can run.

If his response is something along the lines of "that is not a problem, it is not something I need in my life." Then you can proceed and get to know him better.
Okay... fine... but what about the fact that he was a swinger? I mean... that's just okay?

So, if a woman, let's say, used to be a prostitute, or a porn star, you'd date her anyway if she no longer practices that?
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  August 17,2011, 6:14pm
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Special-K wrote :
Please tell me why, if this is indeed a part of his *past,* this man you have never met before today would share this tid-bit of very personal information w/ you?
I am SOOOO not complaining here. I would much rather find something like this out now rather than later.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  August 17,2011, 6:22pm
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jussmile wrote :
Would you, could you...??? even try on this one?
To paraphrase Dr. Seuss:

I would not, could not in a box.
I would not, could not with a fox.
I would not, could not in that house.
I would not, could not with your spouse.

I would not do that here nor there, I would not do that ANYWHERE.
I do not like your swinging ways, oh man! I do not like them Sam-I-Am!
 
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CurbedMyEnthusiasm is offline CurbedMyEnthusiasm Post #8  August 17,2011, 6:23pm
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It does seem a bit TMI to reveal on a first date, which may be telling. Because I was going to say maybe it was his wife's idea, and/or maybe he's divorced because someone rung the bell better. But given that he puts it out there so quickly, the exact opposite is more likely the case. It's a lifestyle he wants to live, or it's just a slick (debateable) way of saying he's looking for casual sex.

Really no need to make assumptions, just have the conversation, but ask the pointed follow-up questions. Don't let him off the hook just asking a yes or no question about whether he wants that lifestyle. Was it his or her idea, and why? Why doesn't he do it anymore? What did he like about it? What didn't he like about it? How did it make him feel about himself, his wife, their relationship? You don't have to be rude about it as there's a very tactful way to put someone at ease while you grill them, but he brought it up so he has to expect a fairly involved conversation.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #9  August 17,2011, 6:23pm
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jussmile wrote :
I am SOOOO not complaining here. I would much rather find something like this out now rather than later.
Sorry, Jus! Didn't mean to imply that your thread is in any way meant as a complaint to his revelation.

What I mean is that if this is truly something he did and is over and done w/, why is he bringing it up on a first date.

I may get slammed for generalizing or linking one thing to mean another, *but* my assumption would be that this is not actually a part of his past and he brought it up early to perhaps gauge your reaction.

Food for thought...
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  August 17,2011, 6:27pm
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That's a tough one. I'd need to see that his viewpoint has really changed on this issue. Did he and his wife breakup because of the swinging? Has that caused him to turn over a new leaf?

If he's truly reformed, it might not be something to hold against him, and would take a lot of courage to be so up front and tell you about it.

Is he a very impulsive person? If he is ... that, combined with his past ... I would be leery of moving forward.

otoh that could have just been a clever way to fish for your reaction to the whole idea.

***

I still have trouble buying the I mistook 10 minutes for 40. I think a more likely explanation is this guy forgot about his meeting with you until too late. So he called you and did the old where were you thing.

/shrug

Just my 2 fwiw.
 
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