Monetary responsiblities when dating...


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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #1  August 16,2011, 9:57pm
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So I've been on about 5 dates with the girl I'm dating and I'm wondering how to best approach the subject of sharing monetary responsibilities of our dates going forward. At this point the dollar ratio is like $100:$1 - for every dollar she's spent, I've spent $100...I've literally been bought a single beer and I have paid for everything else on our dates including her friends drinks the night I was first introduced to her friend. I'm actually okay with all of this, up to about this point...over the course of 5 dates we've established a great connection and chemistry and yada yada, but I'm starting to think that at this point it would be nice if she would actually even offer to pay for a date (she's yet to even reach for her wallet honestly, albeit, she IS super appreciative and has ALWAYS thanked me.) So yeah, how do I bring this up? I don't mind treating my dates as long as the favor is returned at least every once in a while, ie: one in every three dates would be ideal. Thoughts?
 
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savman is offline savman Post #2  August 16,2011, 10:13pm
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You will find many many posts on here about this subject. The responses are all over the place. This general subject was the reason I found this site.

My thought, and how I handled this situation was I just flat talked to her about it. And I think that is the way to go. If this is a relationship which is really going to go somewhere you have to be able to talk about such things.

If you feel the way you do, which I think is entirely reasonable, and talking about it is a problem for her, then this whole relationship is unlikely to go very far anyway.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  August 16,2011, 10:15pm
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jme21 wrote :
So I've been on about 5 dates with the girl I'm dating and I'm wondering how to best approach the subject of sharing monetary responsibilities of our dates going forward. At this point the dollar ratio is like $100:$1 - for every dollar she's spent, I've spent $100...I've literally been bought a single beer and I have paid for everything else on our dates including her friends drinks the night I was first introduced to her friend. I'm actually okay with all of this, up to about this point...over the course of 5 dates we've established a great connection and chemistry and yada yada, but I'm starting to think that at this point it would be nice if she would actually even offer to pay for a date (she's yet to even reach for her wallet honestly, albeit, she IS super appreciative and has ALWAYS thanked me.) So yeah, how do I bring this up? I don't mind treating my dates as long as the favor is returned at least every once in a while, ie: one in every three dates would be ideal. Thoughts?
I can't tell you how to bring it up, because, frankly...no one has ever had to.

When I like and am interested in a man...I take the initiative to plan and pay for...dates on my own. I want to let him know I care enough...to do that.

Though I haven't kept track...one in three sounds about right to me.

j8a
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  August 16,2011, 11:10pm
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Do not count what you bought her friends. That's just not fair.

If you want her to contribute more to the dating finances then talk to her about it. You can't play games with this one. Especially if you've been paying the majority of the time.

Leaving the check on the table for her to take care of is risky business. She might not have the cash on her to cover it.

I can't really tell you how to broach the subject as most of the men I've dated (beyond two or three dates) have always insisted upon paying. The one guy I can think of that made comments about not liking to pay for all of our dates didn't bring it up in a nice way. It was almost like he was upset with me.

And I question your math. An average beer, tap or bottle, is about $3. So, you've spent $300 over your last 5 dates?
 
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boomer_gal is offline boomer_gal Post #5  August 17,2011, 12:08am
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No doubt about it, it's a sensitive topic, but as savman said, if you want this relationship (small r) to progress, you will need to deal with it at some point. So sooner, rather than later seems like a good idea. I would probably try an open ended question, something along the lines of "So what are your thoughts on handling planning and paying for dates?" And "I have been happy to get things started, but if we are going to continue seeing each other frequently, it will be difficult for me to continue to pay for all of our dates."

It does seem like the consensus here is that once in an established relationship, both partners should contribute to paying for activities. It's that first date that seems to be the most controversial when it comes to "who pays?" Now that is a subject of endless debate & divergent - and strongly held - opinions!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  August 17,2011, 4:28am
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jme21 wrote :
So I've been on about 5 dates with the girl I'm dating and I'm wondering how to best approach the subject of sharing monetary responsibilities of our dates going forward.
You've allowed this to establish. I'd, after 2 dates where I'd always paid, I wouldn't have invited someone on any further dates as I'd consider it at that point more than their turn.

You could say to her "I think it's your turn to organise our next date". Me.... I'd just delete her number. I don't date people who need to be educated on how to pay for their consumption and how to refrain from being a parasite.


jme21 wrote :
.... At this point the dollar ratio is like $100:$1 - for every dollar she's spent, I've spent $100...I've literally been bought a single beer and I have paid for everything else on our dates ....
The question is, how much longer will you put up with being treated like this?


jme21 wrote :
... I'm actually okay with all of this, up to about this point...over the course of 5 dates we've established a great connection and chemistry and yada yada,
you need to make up your mind, either you are ok with it and if so continue to see her or break it off if you aren't happy.

Have you considered that she's also dating other men while you are taking on all these costs and those other men aren't allowing her to get away with paying for nothing? You could be subsidising her other dates - the ones she isn't having with you!


jme21 wrote :
but I'm starting to think that at this point it would be nice if she would actually even offer to pay for a date
my honest opinion is that it's established that she is happy to sit back and let you pay. You've found out what kind of person she is so why would you want to pursue a relationship having now established that she enjoys passively refraining from paying.


jme21 wrote :
... (she's yet to even reach for her wallet honestly, albeit, she IS super appreciative and has ALWAYS thanked me.) So yeah, how do I bring this up? I don't mind treating my dates as long as the favor is returned at least every once in a while, ie: one in every three dates would be ideal. Thoughts?
has she done something else in return - e.g. cooked you a meal?
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; August 17,2011 at 4:33am.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  August 17,2011, 4:34am
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Communication is key. Bring it up, but also make sure you know what you're going to say.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  August 17,2011, 6:10am
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I think sometimes men set themselves up for it through their actions. For instance I'm having a really hard time grasping how you ended up paying for her friends unless you actually actively offered to do so, or opened a tab and made it clear they are your guests on it. The point is you actively paid and are now privately grumpy about it. This is not fair to you or her.

Anyway, the simplest and most benign approach is to tell her that it's her turn to organize the date and take you out and then put your wallet away.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #9  August 17,2011, 6:23am
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Agree with others...Just speak with her about it...You can't have a healthy relationship without open and honest communication.

PLEASE do this asap since you already have resentment towards her and are 'keeping score' of everything..If you didn't want to treat her friends...then you shouldn't have...it's pretty simple..
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #10  August 17,2011, 6:26am
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One thing I'd recommend is that you think about exactly what it is that each of you contributes to the relationship and what you want each of you to contribute. There are plenty of women that expect the man to pay, but, contribute in other ways. If they compromise on the paying bit, you might need to compromise elsewhere.

Of course, it could just be a one way deal where you do everything just for the pleasure of her company. That gets old after a while...
Last edited by dmi; August 17,2011 at 6:27am. Reason: I'll pay as long as I get cookies.
 
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