Follow up to my multi dating thread


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Starfish111 is offline Starfish111 Post #1  August 16,2011, 5:18pm
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I just wanted to post a quick update to my post last week and to ask for additional advice. In my post last week, I was concerned because a guy that I had been dating was sleeping with other girls. When I stated my preferences, which was that I wouldn't be a part of that group, he decided he wanted an exclusive relationship.

Well, we spent most of the weekend together (no, not sex!) and got along pretty well. We talked a little about the situation. He kept bringing up the other girls, how they chased him, how they were upset that he ended it, how they seduced him, etc. I finally said that I really didn't need to hear about them anymore. The fact that he keeps bringing up these details has me wondering why....is he insecure? I think some of you mentioned he could be exaggerating last week, which I thought was crazy, but now I can see it's possible. I, as well as most people, would never bring up the stuff that he does with someone they're dating and trying to establish a relationship with. I've now heard a couple of the same stories repeatedly. It's very confusing, because I can tell he really likes me, but he keeps telling me these things, almost like he's trying to impress me (which isn't working). A side note, but i do have a professional job that pays very well, he doesn't. I've tried several times to reassure him that I don't care about this, but he obviously has some issues with this.

Anyone else experienced this before? If this is insecurity on his part, can this work out? I think it's his issues, so I don't think there's much I can do to help the situation (nor do I really want to become a therapist). I could be totally wrong here, so any other ideas would be appreciated.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #2  August 16,2011, 5:29pm
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He could have the mentality of wanting to let you know what he "gave up to be with you, so you'd better be worth it."

Or, they're still on his mind a lot as he just gave them up and since you two haven't had sex yet they fuel his "alone time activities." And he doesn't have a filter in his brain to make him think its not appropriate to share details of how other women were "chasing" him until you came along.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  August 16,2011, 5:36pm
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how old are both of you? i cant recall if you mentioned it or not
 
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Starfish111 is offline Starfish111 Post #4  August 16,2011, 5:39pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
He could have the mentality of wanting to let you know what he "gave up to be with you, so you'd better be worth along.
I can see this....I didn't ask him to give up anything though. I don't really want to "owe" him anything and if he's going to keep bringing this up, I can't see this lasting much longer.
 
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Starfish111 is offline Starfish111 Post #5  August 16,2011, 5:40pm
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Nanette wrote :
how old are both of you? i cant recall if you mentioned it or not
Mid 30s
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  August 16,2011, 5:45pm
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idk i think you would know better if its insecurity or not. you mention the job situation, so maybe you picked up on insecurity in that area with him in the past.

you seem very mature and level-headed... i'll bet hes attracted to that. if he cant drop it and focus on you, then i have to wonder about him... i'd say its not looking good here
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #7  August 16,2011, 5:51pm
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I don't know the full details of your situation, but the one person I dated who behaved like that had serious mental and emotional issues. We barely dated, but it was the strangest relationship experience I've ever had (or care to have). He liked to try to make me jealous (even though I had no reason to expect exclusivity and I'm not the jealous type), talked about how much other women wanted him (I asked him why he was telling me that and told him to go for it if he wanted to), asked about who I had dated before and wanted me to reassure him he was "better" (which I couldn't do b/c I've always dated decent guys), actually told me I couldn't be funny/smart b/c that was his role (I told him that wouldn't happen, b/c I was clearly better at it), etc. Seriously, seriously weird - and the time span was very brief, a matter of weeks. Oh, and he was underemployed and had not succeeded at various goals while I felt rather good about what I've achieved. And so, so much more. It was actually incredible how much screwed up crap went on in a dating experience that would otherwise only be remembered by me for it's brevity. I feel really lucky to have experienced it, b/c it was like getting burned just a little to provide an aversion to touching stoves without getting hurt for real.

He fit these:
How to Spot a Narcissist | Psychology Today
How to Recognize a Controlling Person - wikiHow
Last edited by lunabeach; August 16,2011 at 6:13pm.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  August 16,2011, 5:53pm
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I'd say he wants to appear as desirable to you, hence the BS stories...
IOW, he's hugely insecure.
 
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CurbedMyEnthusiasm is offline CurbedMyEnthusiasm Post #9  August 16,2011, 6:01pm
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I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt in the other thread, and I now respectfully withdraw that.

Besides being inappropriate to bring it up in the manner he apparently has, repeatedly is inexcusable.

You mentioned insecurity, and maybe this is his way of showing you he's desirable and has options, neither of which I assume you find to be appealing.

Sounds to me like he's trying to make you feel as though you "owe" him or need to start competing for his interest.

This all puts what many in the other thread defended as sincere honesty in an entirely new context.

His choice of words is also interesting, which taken at face value would be red flags. And if not, what is he trying to accomplish?
how they chased him - they're fault and/or he's weak?
how they were upset that he ended it - so he used them or broke their heart?
how they seduced him - again, they're fault or he's weak?

If he's being honest, he's basically telling you he can't be trusted. If he's not being honest, do you care what his motivation is?
 
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Starfish111 is offline Starfish111 Post #10  August 16,2011, 6:22pm
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CurbedmyEnthusiasm-

You're absolutely right and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt too. On one side, I do feel sorry for the guy because I know he's insecure. But, I'm also having trouble believing what he says. His wording when he talks about the other girls is really strange, like I'm to believe he's totally innocent (and not that it even matters because we were not exclusive anyway). The guy really needs to learn to keep quiet, not everything needs to be discussed. All of this "talk" is making him much less appealing.
 
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