mdinino is offline mdinino Post #1  August 16,2011, 8:55am
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Hi all,

I was recently seeing a woman I met on eHarmony that didn't end up in a relationship. It did disappoint me a bit, but I am hoping to analyze things here for things to bring into my next attempt. A quick recap of the relationship:

I saw her 5 times in total. The first date was great, I felt a real connection. She was attractive, fun to be around, we had similar viewpoints on work/fun/life etc. The first and second dates we ended the night with a kiss on the cheek.

By the third fate we started to talk a bit more about what makes us tick and our dating styles. I am kind of a spontaneous, passionate person. I can talk your ear off about music/the arts and am the type of person to take a road trip on a whim. She is more orderly and structured. She told me that dating is difficult for her because she is used to being in relationships with people she has known for months before "dating". I ended the third night with an an open mouth kiss. It wasn't quite right, but I was glad I did it. We kissed at the beginning/end of each subsequent date but they always felt kinda forced. But I thought "hey, she's just physically slow. It'll come eventually".

In the time between our 3rd and 4th date, I decided that I liked everything about her and that I should communicate that I am open to an exclusive relationship. So at the end of the 4th I said "I want to be exclusive". She responded "Already?" in a surprised way to which I said "Already. You can make that decision whenever you feel comfortable". She seemed to appreciate that. I was happy with the way I handled that topic. I told her what was on my mind but didn't pressure her into anything. But I did decide to google the issue to see what others had to say. It seems like 4 weeks was a bit early by most standards.

She saw me a 5th time. We had a lot of fun together. I suggested breaking out "once per week cycle". She seemed resistant, but the night didn't ended on a positive vibe.

This past weekend she told me that she didn't see this turning into anything: we like eachother/have fun together, but there's just something missing. I actually agreed with her. The whole thing did seem a bit platonic. I chalked that up to her stated slow pace. She said it was just a personality clash. I am spontaneous/exuberant, she is structured and orderly. But I did see potential in her and am disappointed. So maybe I could have done something differently? Maybe if I didn't bring up exclusivity so soon she would have seen me a few more times and there could have been chemistry. Or maybe next time I should just go with the "its there or its not" mentality early on and cut it off sooner.

Any thoughts would be appreciated...its getting hard to emotionally invest in people and have it not work out.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 16,2011, 9:03am
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mdinino wrote :
Hi all,

I was recently seeing a woman I met on eHarmony that didn't end up in a relationship. It did disappoint me a bit, but I am hoping to analyze things here for things to bring into my next attempt. A quick recap of the relationship:

I saw her 5 times in total. The first date was great, I felt a real connection. She was attractive, fun to be around, we had similar viewpoints on work/fun/life etc. The first and second dates we ended the night with a kiss on the cheek.

By the third fate we started to talk a bit more about what makes us tick and our dating styles. I am kind of a spontaneous, passionate person. I can talk your ear off about music/the arts and am the type of person to take a road trip on a whim. She is more orderly and structured. She told me that dating is difficult for her because she is used to being in relationships with people she has known for months before "dating". I ended the third night with an an open mouth kiss. It wasn't quite right, but I was glad I did it. We kissed at the beginning/end of each subsequent date but they always felt kinda forced. But I thought "hey, she's just physically slow. It'll come eventually".

In the time between our 3rd and 4th date, I decided that I liked everything about her and that I should communicate that I am open to an exclusive relationship. So at the end of the 4th I said "I want to be exclusive". She responded "Already?" in a surprised way to which I said "Already. You can make that decision whenever you feel comfortable". She seemed to appreciate that. I was happy with the way I handled that topic. I told her what was on my mind but didn't pressure her into anything. But I did decide to google the issue to see what others had to say. It seems like 4 weeks was a bit early by most standards.

She saw me a 5th time. We had a lot of fun together. I suggested breaking out "once per week cycle". She seemed resistant, but the night didn't ended on a positive vibe.

This past weekend she told me that she didn't see this turning into anything: we like eachother/have fun together, but there's just something missing. I actually agreed with her. The whole thing did seem a bit platonic. I chalked that up to her stated slow pace. She said it was just a personality clash. I am spontaneous/exuberant, she is structured and orderly. But I did see potential in her and am disappointed. So maybe I could have done something differently? Maybe if I didn't bring up exclusivity so soon she would have seen me a few more times and there could have been chemistry. Or maybe next time I should just go with the "its there or its not" mentality early on and cut it off sooner.

Any thoughts would be appreciated...its getting hard to emotionally invest in people and have it not work out.
its way early to have emotionally invested in anyone. people can pick up on this big time and it can be off putting because it seems like rushing.

if i had to pick one thing about your post, its that. as far as I am concerned, it takes months to really get to know someone and i wouldnt consider exclusivity until i knew someone.

everyone has their best foot forward in the beginning... there is just absolutely NO WAY to know soon after you start dating.

i'm also guessing she was someone who initially wasnt very attracted to you, but wanted to see if it would develop.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  August 16,2011, 9:10am
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Mutual attraction is not something you have to force and there is nothing you can do to "create" it.

As for the rest, I guess my question is what's on fire? It sounds to me like you were almost running on some schedule - by x date I'll kiss, by y date we'll be exclusive, by z date...., etc. The thing is that when it's right between two people, things flow naturally and of their own accord. You don't need to push and shove things along. That's really how you know it's right.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  August 16,2011, 9:19am
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I think you handled it badly saying "I want it to be exclusive". You should have either stated what you were planning to do before asking/requesting something from her AND/OR asked her where she felt things were at.

I would have started by either asking if she's seeing other people still or by stating that you aren't.

ie. establish some facts about where she was at with your 'dating/relationship' and telling her where you were at rather than just jump in and say "I want...."
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; August 16,2011 at 9:25am.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #5  August 16,2011, 9:21am
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People choose to end things for all sorts of reasons, and in my estimation about 90% of the time, it's not because of a character flaw in the person getting "dumped".

It doesn't sound like you did anything stupid or handled the situation poorly. I disagree with the assertion that 4 dates is too soon to bring up exclusivity. You and this girl just weren't the right fit. You found out pretty quickly and are now able to move on. That is a good thing. You are now available to meet the right woman. When the right one for you comes along, you would have to make a pretty spectacular faux pas to scare her off. It's a simple as that.
Last edited by suzyblueeyes; August 16,2011 at 9:24am.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  August 16,2011, 9:21am
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mdinino wrote :
Hi all,

I was recently seeing a woman I met on eHarmony that didn't end up in a relationship. It did disappoint me a bit, but I am hoping to analyze things here for things to bring into my next attempt. A quick recap of the relationship:

I saw her 5 times in total. The first date was great, I felt a real connection. She was attractive, fun to be around, we had similar viewpoints on work/fun/life etc. The first and second dates we ended the night with a kiss on the cheek.

By the third fate we started to talk a bit more about what makes us tick and our dating styles. I am kind of a spontaneous, passionate person. I can talk your ear off about music/the arts and am the type of person to take a road trip on a whim. She is more orderly and structured. She told me that dating is difficult for her because she is used to being in relationships with people she has known for months before "dating". I ended the third night with an an open mouth kiss. It wasn't quite right, but I was glad I did it. We kissed at the beginning/end of each subsequent date but they always felt kinda forced. But I thought "hey, she's just physically slow. It'll come eventually".

In the time between our 3rd and 4th date, I decided that I liked everything about her and that I should communicate that I am open to an exclusive relationship. So at the end of the 4th I said "I want to be exclusive". She responded "Already?" in a surprised way to which I said "Already. You can make that decision whenever you feel comfortable". She seemed to appreciate that. I was happy with the way I handled that topic. I told her what was on my mind but didn't pressure her into anything. But I did decide to google the issue to see what others had to say. It seems like 4 weeks was a bit early by most standards.

She saw me a 5th time. We had a lot of fun together. I suggested breaking out "once per week cycle". She seemed resistant, but the night didn't ended on a positive vibe.

This past weekend she told me that she didn't see this turning into anything: we like eachother/have fun together, but there's just something missing. I actually agreed with her. The whole thing did seem a bit platonic. I chalked that up to her stated slow pace. She said it was just a personality clash. I am spontaneous/exuberant, she is structured and orderly. But I did see potential in her and am disappointed. So maybe I could have done something differently? Maybe if I didn't bring up exclusivity so soon she would have seen me a few more times and there could have been chemistry. Or maybe next time I should just go with the "its there or its not" mentality early on and cut it off sooner.

Any thoughts would be appreciated...its getting hard to emotionally invest in people and have it not work out.
I don't understand why you didn't actually listen to anything that she was telling you? Look at the bolded parts above...

Why in the world would you try to kiss someone a second time if the first time it felt 'forced'....but you say 'you' enjoyed...obviously she did not. But yet you keep going....And then do it some more...she still is not enjoying this...

And then by the 4th date you want to be exclusive AFTER she's told you she takes MONTHS to know someone before dating them???

I know I'm a bit harsh here...but you are having some strange relationship with yourself and not caring one bit 'who' the other person is and that she is has expressed she is the total opposite of who you are and what she is looking for.

I'm afraid you will keep running into this time and time again if you don't start actually listening and paying attention to how the other person is saying and responding.

Granted...the other person has the responsibility to say what they are feeling...but it seems like she did this. I think she was on the fence about you from the start, but wanted to see where it would lead...But you forced every issue from the kissing to the exclusivity which certainly wasn't going to work with her..
Last edited by Ingytravel; August 16,2011 at 9:25am.
 
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mdinino is offline mdinino Post #7  August 16,2011, 9:38am
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Jeez, you guys are so quick to jump on everything. As for the physical, she actually told me that one of the things that she likes most about me is that I didn't force the physical. As for say "I want to be exclusive" there is nothing wrong with I statements. I didn't say it rude or harshly, I simply communicated how I felt without expecting anything anything in return. Yes I HOPED something, but I didn't demand it. As far as the time frame, I was starting to like her. There is nothing wrong with starting to like someone. Most couples I know became exclusive by around a month. This is the problem with online dating...everyone is so jaded. Dates mean nothing to people anymore.

She likes me a lot. She actually told me that she would be very open to a friendship, and is leaving the final decision to me. Being direct and communicative is something we see eye to eye on, and I think she knew exactly where I was comming from. My technique is fine...I didn't ask about that. My therapist has completely agreed with that. I am asking about the nature of chemistry here.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  August 16,2011, 9:39am
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You wanted to move faster, she wanted to move slower..you kept the full court press on, she retreated.
Verdict: incompatible.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  August 16,2011, 9:42am
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mdinino wrote :

She likes me a lot. She actually told me that she would be very open to a friendship, and is leaving the final decision to me.
That's code for: I like you as my friend, just not my boyfriend.
 
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mdinino is offline mdinino Post #10  August 16,2011, 9:52am
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I know exactly what she meant by it. She has already told me that she there was no chemistry. The point is, we get along great...always have. I put that in there to say that she is in no way judging my personality. Am I the only one who thinks that developing relationships doesn't have to be fraught with rules, games, and codes?

I am physically attracted to her and so I decide to kiss her (by the way, she initiated all other kisses, pech-ish as they might have been). I like her enough to be exclusive with her so I tell her. Simple as that. I do not force, expect or demand.

Yes it's possible that by bringing up exclusivity so early I start a clock ticking in her head...and that's something to discuss. But what is not valid is thinking "I shouldn't get interested/tell her what I am thinking because I don't want to look a certain way"
 
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