How My Cowardice Cost Me - Cautionary Tale


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Adahn is offline Adahn Post #1  August 15,2011, 8:18pm
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I took a break from dating due to the below experience as I needed time to get over it. Most guys know being timid is the path to loneliness but here's a quick example for any who doubt even a little. I went out with a girl I met on the site and we talked for almost four hours on the first date, very lively, laughing, etc. Went well. Second date we go bowling and it's one of the more memorable dates I've ever had. We were annoying the older couple next to us with all our banter and kidding around. I'd never really experienced instant compatibility like that before. In the parking lot after that date I'm such a coward I still don't go for the kiss and just hugged her. She texts me later "Second date and no kiss?" I salvaged it best I could with more humor. OK... so third date, she invites me over to her house. She's already moving to another place so the house is virtually empty. We start drinking beer and even a dense guy like me knows it's basically a sure thing. Yet, on the spot, I'm scared to death. I let hours pass without making a move. Finally in a desperate and humiliating attempt to gracefully lead into a kiss - instead of just going for it like any real man would - I said that I owed her something from the last date. She takes this wrong and gives me a speech on how a kiss shouldn't be something that's 'owed'. I say I want to and then do it, but she recoils. If only I had just said goodbye and left at that point. In a panic because I know I've pretty much ruined what was a perfect start, I wait until she reenters the room and then I try to take her in my arms and kiss her and she is completely not into it. She breaks it off the next day and I'm left wondering what could have been if I had a pair. Granted, it was my first attempt at kissing since 2005, which was the last year I had sex. Obviously no one in my life knows that last fact, not even my closest friends. Believe it or not I'm actually a decent looking, athletically built guy I just don't have social intelligence where it counts. I know I'll be bolder now, and hopefully some guy in a similar situation will think I don't want to end up like that loser Adahn and just go for it.
 
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JuniperBerry is offline JuniperBerry Post #2  August 15,2011, 8:42pm
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Now stop that. Right. Now.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Every relationship, no matter how long, has something to teach you. I am thinking this girl had extraordinary expectations and was not amiable to just being in each moment. Not many suitors will meet those kind of expectations. There is no time table involved, it just wasn't the right time and/or girl for you.....this time.

Take a breath, the fact that you are interested tells me you already have a pair *laughs*. Some will say kiss on the first, others will say second...don't let that be the end all be all of showng interest. Hopefully the next girl will be more sensitive to feelings other than her own and encourage rather than demand.

We're all learning out there...Now lace up, and get goin'!
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #3  August 15,2011, 9:21pm
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Yes, beat yourself up over this. Saying otherwise might tend to lead you down the path that you did nothing wrong. How on earth are you going to learn from your mistakes if every decent fool tries to protect your pride? This lady gave you every indication that she was open to be kissed, and you balked. Even worse, you knew you balked before you even did it. That's the worse part, and she KNEW it. Face it, you struck out. Let's just hope for your sake that's not the end of the game because you sound like you genuinely like this person.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  August 16,2011, 3:07am
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Yep, seems like you have a pretty good handle on the situation ...what happened and why. She probably took your timidness and social fumbling as lack of interest.

Live and learn.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #5  August 16,2011, 3:25am
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You know what to do next time. That's good.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  August 16,2011, 3:26am
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I think she could've been more sensitive to you regarding the pace you wanted to go at and your confidence. If she wanted to kiss then why is it your job to make the first move. And then she was a bit cruel to reject your advances.

Also don't assume she has had sex during the last weeks, months or year or years!
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #7  August 16,2011, 3:32am
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You didn't show confidence.
 
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melvimbe is offline melvimbe Post #8  August 16,2011, 3:40am
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Yea, you screwed up, but she didn't handle things well. If the banter was going so well, she's really going to stop seeing you because the kissing part didn't go smoothly? Not saying it's not important or that confidence should be overlooked, but she could have given you more room to make mistakes.

So yea, you had your mistakes, but I imagine this was a blessing in disguise.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #9  August 16,2011, 5:57am
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melvimbe wrote :
Yea, you screwed up, but she didn't handle things well. If the banter was going so well, she's really going to stop seeing you because the kissing part didn't go smoothly? Not saying it's not important or that confidence should be overlooked, but she could have given you more room to make mistakes.

So yea, you had your mistakes, but I imagine this was a blessing in disguise.
Ouch. The owed thing was bad, but her reaction was bad, too. So quick to offense.

I agree with Mel, you definitely messed up but it sounds like you're aware of it. So beat yourself up a little so you remember it next time and move on. Really not a big deal, considering she does not sound very nice.

Also, why couldn't she kiss you?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  August 16,2011, 6:06am
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yeah, sure..you should have kissed her but her jumping to conclusions about you being not interested is a little whacked, IMO.
She also sounds too defensive about the first kiss remark you made...like someone who's always going to be dissecting every little thing you say....ugh.
Who the heck wants someone like that?

I'm with melvimbe on this one...I'd say this was a blessing in disguise
Last edited by TheThinker; August 16,2011 at 6:12am.
 
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