Talk about AWKWARD- how to approach?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
sk8erqun is offline sk8erqun Post #1  August 15,2011, 3:27pm
sk8erqun's Avatar

I love old black

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 28

See profile

Guys, I'm posting under my best friend's account- trying to figure out how to have a Talk w a guy about the topic below without scaring him off. I've never tried to talk to him about it even once until now. Here goes:

After 2 dates, a guy really*seemed to like me & had made no moves on me- only 1 quick kiss & cuddling- even though we'd been alone at his place late at night. Then he's out at bar & texts me to come over (perfct spelling, doesn't appear drunk). I come over a full hour later but he's actually still drunk, slurring some words, is currently drinking another beer. I only make out w him & don't go any further bc I'm like... I don't want my First time w this guy to b where he won't remember any of it in morning. I gave some vague excuse about wanting to take it slow. He eventually sobered up but I just wasn't feeling like it was "the night." he was sweet and kissed me bye, said it was good to see me.

Of course afterward he grows distant, though he did reach out one day to invite me to group event in middle of day (last minute, I didn't get text in time). But then he shies away from*Making a definite date to*Come over my place. Like he's afraid to b alone w me again. When we cross paths in person we r very friendly & things feel normal.
I think he wrote me off as a*Prude and/or tease. Maybe he wouldn't do that if he knew I changed my mind bc he was so trashed that it turned me*off. I just don't know how to approach it!!

(I'm Not posting to debate the morality of what he did- already did that in another thread that my best friend posted. I just want advice on a way to approach this that may actually help him see me as more than a tease & allow us to move forward)
Last edited by sk8erqun; August 15,2011 at 3:29pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  August 15,2011, 3:58pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,680

See profile

That's an easy question:

Plan a meeting where you can be reasonably in control of what happens.

For me, I always try to have the first time having sex be in the context of a full night together, with a full day afterward (meaning, only a Friday or Saturday.)
 
  Reply With Quote
nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #3  August 15,2011, 4:06pm
nancymargrita…'s Avatar

loving the fall colors

Board Leader - Career

Joined: Jul 2009

Edmonton

Posts: 1,634

See profile

I agree with D_Lion.

Make the place as public as you can and one that isn't threatening to either one of you - Starbucks or some place like that.

I know you don't want to get into the moralizing bit here, but I also agree that you need to have at least one "normal" date first before hitting the sack. In this case it could be that he's embarrassed or ashamed of what happened himself and doesn't know how to approach the subject with you.
 
  Reply With Quote
sk8erqun is offline sk8erqun Post #4  August 15,2011, 4:11pm
sk8erqun's Avatar

I love old black

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 28

See profile

We had TWO dates before this where he barely tried antthing.
Another reason y I think he booty texted me from the bar that night bc his friend's may have said, "dude shes gonna think u r a loser If u don't put the moves on her soon." and then what do I do? Reject him. But I'm
Sorry, i think a lot of women would've rejected when he was sloppy drunk!!
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  August 15,2011, 4:16pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,680

See profile

That's not what I implied.

Under discussion is optimizing a first intimate encounter.

The OP has explicitly requested not introducing extraneous commentary regarding her partner's behavior (and, presumptively, her partner-selection criteria.)

Doing it on a table in Starbucks is good for You Tube infamy, but otherwise a disaster.

This meeting must be at home (though it can begin at dinner if desired.)
 
  Reply With Quote
Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #6  August 15,2011, 4:22pm
Mike74's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Dec 2010

NJ

Posts: 867

See profile

sk8erqun wrote :
Guys, I'm posting under my best friend's account- trying to figure out how to have a Talk w a guy about the topic below without scaring him off. I've never tried to talk to him about it even once until now. Here goes:

After 2 dates, a guy really*seemed to like me & had made no moves on me- only 1 quick kiss & cuddling- even though we'd been alone at his place late at night. Then he's out at bar & texts me to come over (perfct spelling, doesn't appear drunk). I come over a full hour later but he's actually still drunk, slurring some words, is currently drinking another beer. I only make out w him & don't go any further bc I'm like... I don't want my First time w this guy to b where he won't remember any of it in morning. I gave some vague excuse about wanting to take it slow. He eventually sobered up but I just wasn't feeling like it was "the night." he was sweet and kissed me bye, said it was good to see me.

Of course afterward he grows distant, though he did reach out one day to invite me to group event in middle of day (last minute, I didn't get text in time). But then he shies away from*Making a definite date to*Come over my place. Like he's afraid to b alone w me again. When we cross paths in person we r very friendly & things feel normal.
I think he wrote me off as a*Prude and/or tease. Maybe he wouldn't do that if he knew I changed my mind bc he was so trashed that it turned me*off. I just don't know how to approach it!!

(I'm Not posting to debate the morality of what he did- already did that in another thread that my best friend posted. I just want advice on a way to approach this that may actually help him see me as more than a tease & allow us to move forward)
Sk8er's friend, I agree with the above posters that you should schedule a date with him, spend some time with him without the influence of alcohol (or at least drink in moderation), and if that goes well you can figure out the logistics of how to spend the night together. This is typically how dating is done.

Also, I don't think that you should worry about being seen as a "prude" or a "tease" by a man who was drunken to the point of slurring his speech. Sex requires the mutual consent of both parties -- if for any reason you feel that you're not being treated appropriately by a man you're dating, you have the right not to have sex with him. I wish you the best.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #7  August 15,2011, 4:32pm
Harryoss's Avatar

chooses his words carefully. (Most of the time!)

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2010

Los Angeles, CA (SF Valley)

Posts: 1,176

See profile

sk8erqun wrote :
Of course afterward he grows distant, though he did reach out one day to invite me to group event in middle of day (last minute, I didn't get text in time). But then he shies away from*Making a definite date to*Come over my place. Like he's afraid to b alone w me again. When we cross paths in person we r very friendly & things feel normal.
I think he wrote me off as a*Prude and/or tease. Maybe he wouldn't do that if he knew I changed my mind bc he was so trashed that it turned me*off. I just don't know how to approach it!!

(I'm Not posting to debate the morality of what he did- already did that in another thread that my best friend posted. I just want advice on a way to approach this that may actually help him see me as more than a tease & allow us to move forward)
I'm going to keep this very simple and straightforward: If he had any kind of intentions on pursuing anything other than a hump-and-dump with you, he wouldn't have "Of course grown distant afterward". What you don't seem to understand, is basic male mentality... If after only 3 dates we disappear because you didn't have sex with us, it's because sex is the only thing we were interested in... and the time investment in you is not paying off.

(On a side note: You choose to not let a drunk man hump you, and you're worried about what HE thinks of YOU for no contact afterward? Really?! It should most definitely be the other way around... at least for normal people it is)

SO, with that said, here's my advice to you: Realize, once again, that this guy is not interested in anything other than a hump-and-dump. This much I can guarantee you, given the information you have provided in this thread. SO, it really doesn't matter what you say to him or how you come off to him... You might as well walk up to him and say "I want to have sex with you, when are you free?"... and the end result will be the same... you'll have sex with him... and then you won't hear from him again afterward.

Best of luck to you... After reading your post, I can only say "The naivety is strong in this one"... and while it generally takes people a heartbreak or 2 in their life to get rid of that, I'm thinking you're gonna need at least 4 or 5 before you get the necessary dose of reality. (I'm not trying to insult you here... just making a point).
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 15,2011, 5:42pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

sk8erqun wrote :
...
Maybe he wouldn't do that if he knew I changed my mind bc he was so trashed that it turned me*off. I just don't know how to approach it!!

(I'm Not posting to debate the morality of what he did- already did that in another thread that my best friend posted. I just want advice on a way to approach this that may actually help him see me as more than a tease & allow us to move forward)
Why would you want to continue to date someone who has a lifestyle that you don't approve of
 
  Reply With Quote
sk8erqun is offline sk8erqun Post #9  August 15,2011, 7:05pm
sk8erqun's Avatar

I love old black

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2011

Posts: 28

See profile

I'm fine w him drinking, including that night. But if it's at a point of slurring / not remembering sleeping w me (which was proven since he remembered nothing of what we talked about that night!)... That's just too far & I think we should have sex another night instead.
Would that make any sense to him If I explained it? Like from a guys point of view.

Also- i don't think I was only a hump & dump. He shied away from
Coming over my place, yet invited me somewhere in middle of day that one weekend.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #10  August 15,2011, 7:30pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,104

See profile

sk8erqun wrote :
Also- i don't think I was only a hump & dump. He shied away from Coming over my place, yet invited me somewhere in middle of day that one weekend.
Uhhmmm...OK, if you say so.

I'm with Harry on this. Yes, Harry...once again, I agreed with you.

Don't let it go to your head.

j8a
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« No one is good enough until you are ready to stop looking? | Dating | Creating a 'Man List': Good Idea? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Should I move on or try a different approach Lalalala123 Ask a Dating Expert 8 March 25,2011 3:32pm
Breakup Talk: Do you really talk/discuss or it's just a notification? windsurfing Ask a Dating Expert 39 September 13,2010 7:17pm
How to tell him I don't want to talk anymore? LoveGame Ask a Dating Expert 8 June 22,2010 6:48pm
Talk to Religious Philosophy students today RoxyRedhead Atheists, Humorists, and Science 10 December 3,2009 5:31pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 8:18am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0