No one is good enough until you are ready to stop looking?


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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #1  August 14,2011, 5:21pm
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What makes someone hit the “next” button so easily? Is it really that some people are just looking for causal sex? Is it really that your date isn’t compatible? Is it that there is no chemistry or too many deal breakers? I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this question and I’ve come to an illuminating conclusion: No one is good enough until you are ready to stop looking.

So what exactly does that mean?

I’ve seen posts on this board from both men and women who would give anything just to find someone that would treat them decently. They don’t have to be rich, tall, or exceptionally good looking; they just want someone kind and caring that they can spend the rest of their life with. I’ve seen other posts on here from people who screen their dates based on how nice her chest looks and how good she is in bed. I’m not trying to be mean; I’m just trying to illustrate the contrast. Why is there such a grotesque difference in what these two are seeking? Is it personality? Is it maturity? Is it hormones? Is it desperation? Read on because I think you will find my answer interesting.

I’m convinced that it doesn’t have anything to do with any of those things. I believe that a person simply reaches a point in their life where sex or finding the next great relationship thrill is no longer a priority. Suddenly, the only priority that person has is finding just one person they can spend the rest of their life with. It may even be measurable as a change in blood chemistry or neural activity, I don’t know, but I believe that this change is just as real and just as compelling as what drives people to hit the “next” button in the interim.

Once this change occurs and they are ready to stop looking all of a sudden the trivial things that were once deal breakers don’t matter anymore. I’m sure you’ve read stories on here about people with a long wish list who married someone the exact opposite and are quite happy.

Still don’t believe? Consider this: you can meet someone, be really compatible and hit it off really well but the relationship may not last. Why? Did it matter that you were sexually compatible? Did it matter that they met your wish list of criteria? No. Sadly, the most important ingredient of all was still missing.

I’m not saying that people who continually hit the next button aren’t looking for love. However, I do understand a little better why they appear to be so picky. It is not their fault and it is not your fault - - they just aren’t ready.

What’s the difference between “settling” and not wanting to look anymore? There is a HUGE difference. Basically the difference is that “settling” doesn’t last. You “settle” temporarily because the sex is good or for a variety of other superficial reasons. When you are ready to stop looking you KNOW it. I think one sure identifier of this phenomenon is that relationships are no longer only about what you think you want, need, or deserve. You aren’t saying, “Oh, I would definitely close for that” anymore. You aren’t looking for reasons to close or move on. It is not that you are ignoring the negatives - - you just aren’t blowing them out of proportion anymore and your focus is now on the positive.

When you truly embrace the notion of permanent cohabitation you approach life as well as dating completely different. I know this change is real and when it occurs a person is very aware of it. I’m not so sure this is something that someone can force any more than a person can force puberty. I also don’t think it has anything to do with chronological age or the feeling of being in love. I think it is just a change in mindset that occurs in a person’s life at a time that is as individual and unique as each of us.

How do you find someone who is ready to stop looking? A lot of times you can read it either implicit or explicit in their profiles. Some posters on this board have said that you shouldn’t put that you are seeking marriage or set timetables. I disagree. Doing so is a clear indicator that you are ready; obviously those who aren’t would be put off and either ignore you or close and that’s okay.

This is just how I see it through my lens. If you’ve read all of this please share your thoughts.
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #2  August 14,2011, 5:28pm
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Well... I can say I've always felt that way. Only, I was way ahead of the curve and it did me no good at all.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  August 14,2011, 5:33pm
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I couldnt disagree more!

I'm looking primarily for a person where we are similar enough and have enough in common to connect and different enough to have polarity and excitement.

I think people become ready for commitment when they meet the right person, not when they are tired of looking.

Its kinda like youre saying that compatibilities are perceived, but if i can know that there are people that i would absolutely never ever ever EVER have a relationship with, it doesnt mean that i would ever be open to that sort of person just because i become "ready to stop looking" no way no how.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 14,2011, 5:34pm
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ever ever evere ever ever EVER never ever!!
 
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LizLemon7 is offline LizLemon7 Post #5  August 14,2011, 5:34pm
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I agree. This is how I'm beginning to feel. Great insight.
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #6  August 14,2011, 5:39pm
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That's a rrreeeeaaallllyyy long-winded way of restating the thread title.
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #7  August 14,2011, 5:45pm
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FrankTheGreat wrote :
That's a rrreeeeaaallllyyy long-winded way of restating the thread title.

ya, but it was a smaller font, so it was ok.
 
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eDisharmony is offline eDisharmony Post #8  August 14,2011, 5:52pm
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Diana_P wrote :
What’s the difference between “settling” and not wanting to look anymore? There is a HUGE difference.
What you described is settling. You're saying try to make it work with whoever is interested and give up on your preferences. That is settling. You just don't like the negative connotation of the term and are claiming it's not settling.

And I suggest you don't tell your dates that sex is no longer a priority for you.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 14,2011, 5:54pm
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There might be something to what you say. Though I wouldn't say...

"No one is good enough until you are ready to stop looking"...

...both my husbands were different enough from each other...as to still be amazing to me, sometimes.

What I looked for in a man at 22, when I married the first time...was not at all what I looked for at 42, the second time around.

I'm still trying to figure what I need this time.

j8a
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #10  August 14,2011, 5:56pm
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Nanette wrote :
I couldnt disagree more!

I'm looking primarily for a person where we are similar enough and have enough in common to connect and different enough to have polarity and excitement.

I think people become ready for commitment when they meet the right person, not when they are tired of looking.

Its kinda like youre saying that compatibilities are perceived, but if i can know that there are people that i would absolutely never ever ever EVER have a relationship with, it doesnt mean that i would ever be open to that sort of person just because i become "ready to stop looking" no way no how.
There is no "right" person. There is only a person with the right attitude, an attitide of dedication, loyality, commitment, compromise. When you find a person who exhibits these characteristics of character and meets a short list of no more than five selective criteria, you've hit the jack pot, roll up your sleves and together you two will carve out the perfect enough relationship. But if one of the two lacks sufficient resolve, it will fail. In the end, resolve, determination to have, to succeed is all that matters, is all that decides if you will have an enduring union or not.
 
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