rocker21 is offline rocker21 Post #1  August 14,2011, 8:41am
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I went on three dates with a girl from online over the course of three weeks. This is a rather shy and reserved girl (as her profile even states this) who has not had much dating experience or relationship experience for that matter as I had found out the last date. It was obvious during our dates. I even thought she might be a virgin. By the third date, my physical attraction to her diminished as it did with each date. I always like to give things a chance and if there IS a 50 percent chance I'm still attracted to someone, I would like to act on it to at least convince myself before blowing someone off especially if there are other things I like about the person.

The first two dates were nice. We just did a lot of walking and some talking. However, there was utterly NO physical contact. I had tried walking next to her and brushing her arm and even gently touching her arm in conversation a couple of times. I gave her compliments on her eyes and other physical attributes. Although she clearly expressed interest during our conversations on the date, her greetings and goodbyes were blatant "grandma" hugs which really set the tone for each date. I went in for a kiss on the first date as I felt our night justified that and she turned her head for the grandma hug instead. It was almost like she was very uncomfortable with physical contact on the first two dates...at least how I read it and I'm usually a little reserved at first and need the girl to give me signs that it's ok to make a move. However, she was clearly interested in going out a second time and a third time AND initially a fourth time.

Our phone conversations were very short (which I had posted about in another thread) and not much flowing conversation while with other girls I have met through eharmony, the conversation often at times flows like a river and could lead to hour long convos. I chalked it up to her being reserved. Anyway, by our third date, I really was on the fence even more so with the physical attraction or lack thereof on my part. However, we hung out for a long time (maybe too long as the conversation went dead at times) It was obvious that she was a little more touchy feely at this point which again she had not been at ALL on the previous dates. It was almost like she set out to be more physical before this date which I wonder where it was on the first two dates. I think by that point, I just lost interest physically. We hung out for five hours that night which was another mistake I feel.

After the third date, I was debating on calling her to tell her there was no chemistry physically as I didn't want to waste her time or mine. However, I still had a seed of doubt in my mind. There were some values and long term goals that I think we shared to an extent and I was afraid to throw that away. Also, our fourth date would have been something that I had planned for a while based on a common interest of ours. It was finally available that coming week. However, it originally for the first three weeks kept getting pushed off due to time restraints. So, I called her to ask her to go out again to this event (which really was a mistake) and she agreed and we spoke a couple of times during the week to confirm.

Well, she called me up the night before we were supposed to meet to tell me or ask me if we were just "delaying the inevitable" as far as our physical chemistry and there was only "friend chemistry". I had already bought the tickets to the event, but didn't tell her this. I told her basically I felt the same way and she cancelled the date.

I don't understand why it would take her three dates to finally warm up to me and give me signs that she is interested physically. She gave me NO signs through the first two dates that she was even willing to partake in a physical relationship with someone. Regardless, I am not that attracted to her. Yet, I feel guilty becuase there were certain things I liked about her as far as sharing goals and values. So, I'm thinking to myself....am I being too picky? What do you do when you're in a situation like this where the physical attraction is literally 50/50?
Last edited by rocker21; August 14,2011 at 8:44am.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #2  August 14,2011, 8:52am
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Rocker - I feel like I am in a similar situation. We have had 2 dates, and I still don't feel the "connection". Other than a couple of perfunctory "grandma" hugs, we have not shared any kind of physical interaction. So far, I really don't see him in that way. I don't know how he sees me? He keeps saying that he wants to set up another date, but I have not heard from him in a few days, and I would be OK if he did not contact me again.

That says to me that it is time to let this go, but I am on the fence on whether I should accept another date with him if he asks. However, it seems that if there is this much uncertainty, trying to force the issue is not going to help.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  August 14,2011, 8:55am
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Dating shouldn't be that hard!! LOL..

To me..every single date I go on with a man that I choose after the first date it only gets better and better...

Yours are getting worse...You complain about the lack of physical attraction...she turned away a kiss...You talk about how the conversation wasn't good and spending time together was the 'wrong' thing to do...

I mean..what in the world about this woman do you actually like?

I go back to my first statement...After the first date...I am so excited about seeing someone again...can't wait to get closer to them...I can't wait to share more and have even lengthier conversations...They type that you lose track of time..I can't wait to kiss them..

That has happened in every ltr I have ever had..

If I felt this way about a guy even after a first date...I don't see how 'forcing' a connection ever works..

Certainly up to you...because you are going to get varied responses on this..but for me..Dating should be fun, exciting...and every time that I come home from the first couple of dates...I'm giddy with anticipation for the next one!
 
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niqht is offline niqht Post #4  August 14,2011, 9:06am
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It seems to me the physical attraction going down might be, at least partially, the result of something else.

And I don't see the big deal with the lack of immediate physical interaction.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #5  August 14,2011, 9:07am
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She wasn't attracted to you either. She was just giving you a chance the same way you were giving her a chance. Don't worry about it, just move on.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  August 14,2011, 9:11am
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I am not sure what you are asking for. It seems that you next step is to move on.
 
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rocker21 is offline rocker21 Post #7  August 14,2011, 9:18am
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HelenDanger wrote :
She wasn't attracted to you either. She was just giving you a chance the same way you were giving her a chance. Don't worry about it, just move on.
Thanks, but I don't think that's the case which actually would make the situation easier on me if she wasn't attracted. The last date, she waited with me 45 minutes for my train at the end of thenight which was completely out of the way for her. She was touchy, feely with me and even told me that she found me attractive from the start. Her interest in me was not in question. It's more a matter of MY lack of physical interest in her and how it showed especially on the last date.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 14,2011, 9:19am
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Ingytravel wrote :
...I don't see how 'forcing' a connection ever works.
I see this statement quite often (don't know if it is always you, but I think it is from a lot of people) and I don't really know what you are trying to say. Certainly if you go on a first date and you have negative attraction your match then there is no reason to give it a second date. But I suspect that what you really mean is that there were no "instant fireworks" so to go on a second date or more is "forcing" a connection.
 
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rocker21 is offline rocker21 Post #9  August 14,2011, 9:21am
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I think what bothers me is that my past relationships and experiences were where there is "blatant" physical attraction or none. In this case, there is some, but not clearly not enough to push me over the edge and I'm not used to this. Therefore, I'm second guessing myself and thinking I'm possibly being too picky although after three dates I would think if physical attraction hasn't developed, it won't in the future.
 
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rocker21 is offline rocker21 Post #10  August 14,2011, 9:23am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I see this statement quite often (don't know if it is always you, but I think it is from a lot of people) and I don't really know what you are trying to say. Certainly if you go on a first date and you have negative attraction your match then there is no reason to give it a second date. But I suspect that what you really mean is that there were no "instant fireworks" so to go on a second date or more is "forcing" a connection.
Which is something I don't agree with as I always give things a second chance unless there is BLATANT non attractiveness physically. There is no such thing as "instant fireworks". That RARELY happens in the "reality" dating world.
 
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