When to break the bad news?


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JanaBanana is offline JanaBanana Post #1  August 14,2011, 4:59am
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So, when do you share your baggage? I have some issues that, on paper, may be pretty scary to a guy. Nothing illegal or nefarious, but might make me seem like a "Stage 5 clinger" risk. I want to be honest with my dates (present and future), but don't want to scare them with too much too soon.

Thoughts?
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #2  August 14,2011, 5:17am
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Well there is honesty and there is TMI.

I'd rather have someone unload baggage when it comes up naturally in the course of dating.. Then someone who unloads it for no apparent reason other then getting it off their chest...

Baggage is subjective, so what you might think is baggage, I might see as normal.. and vice-versa..

Can you give us a bit more info?

Last edited by TrekRyder10; August 14,2011 at 5:28am.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  August 14,2011, 5:24am
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JanaBanana wrote :
So, when do you share your baggage? I have some issues that, on paper, may be pretty scary to a guy. Nothing illegal or nefarious, but might make me seem like a "Stage 5 clinger" risk. I want to be honest with my dates (present and future), but don't want to scare them with too much too soon.

Thoughts?
Hard to comment without knowing what it is.
I'm not sure I know what a stage 5 clinger, is or how they're defined, so I can't help you there either.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #4  August 14,2011, 5:30am
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TheThinker wrote :
Hard to comment without knowing what it is.
I'm not sure I know what a stage 5 clinger, is or how they're defined, so I can't help you there either.

Stage 5 clinger makes me think "stalker"
 
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Breezy1 is online now Breezy1 Post #5  August 14,2011, 5:32am
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JanaBanana wrote :
So, when do you share your baggage? I have some issues that, on paper, may be pretty scary to a guy. Nothing illegal or nefarious, but might make me seem like a "Stage 5 clinger" risk. I want to be honest with my dates (present and future), but don't want to scare them with too much too soon.

Thoughts?
You mean like a stalker type?
Last edited by Breezy1; August 14,2011 at 5:33am. Reason: Oh you beat me to it Upstate
 
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Breezy1 is online now Breezy1 Post #6  August 14,2011, 5:34am
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If these issues make you "seem" like a 5 star clinger, does that mean you are? If so, you may not need to divulge anything, he will find out eventually.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  August 14,2011, 5:56am
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In general, I consider it best (both as strategy and a sign of maturity) to disclose any perceived deficiency only as it is germane to a specific planned activity.

Keep in mind, that you might think a problem is a major impediment to a relationship, but not all potential partners will see it that way. There's no reason to go divulging everything, all at once, when it's unwanted to hear it and most won't matter anyway.

For example, if I suggest a certain meeting plan, and you can't or don't want to do my plan, then disclose of the reason why not is probably best (you can still avoid disclosing, but now you are going to seem like you're avoiding me - and hiding something.)

***

Something in your past, which although undesirable may not be present in your future (perhaps, e.g., youthful drug use), need not ever be disclosed. I don't consider it necessary to disclose anything which can reasonably be seen as not impacting me at all (and, it is my duty to ask specifically if I have any such concerns.)
 
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JanaBanana is offline JanaBanana Post #8  August 14,2011, 5:07pm
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My issues comes from my childhood, I was raised VERY religious. It took me a long time to stop trying to please my family and see what I truly feel/believe. I am now sure in my feeling on that matter (definitely non-religious now), but I took a lot of time to figure that out. So, I have no real dating experience at 30 years old. Hence the stage 5 clinger. Good news? No psycho exes, no STDs. Bad news? I am making the 18 year old mistakes in relationships. Do guys find this a BIG red flag? This definitely impacts the dates I go on, but I'm unsure how to slip this in to normal conversations. It can be a really scary topic (for both parties), so it's hard to broach it. But it explains a lot about my sometime awkward behavior on dates.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #9  August 14,2011, 5:17pm
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You could just say you don't have much experience dating due to religious upbringing.

I would wait a few dates before I approach it though.

I have encountered this when I was in college with co-eds from strict families. After initial awkwardness in regards to physical contact everything went normal.

Couple of drinks helps too.
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #10  August 14,2011, 5:33pm
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JanaBanana wrote :
So, when do you share your baggage? I have some issues that, on paper, may be pretty scary to a guy. Nothing illegal or nefarious, but might make me seem like a "Stage 5 clinger" risk. I want to be honest with my dates (present and future), but don't want to scare them with too much too soon.

Thoughts?
If you figure it out, let me know. I've got baggage issues, too. Share them too soon and it's TMI and presumptuous. If you share too late, you've been misleading.

JanaBanana wrote :
My issues comes from my childhood, I was raised VERY religious. It took me a long time to stop trying to please my family and see what I truly feel/believe. I am now sure in my feeling on that matter (definitely non-religious now), but I took a lot of time to figure that out. So, I have no real dating experience at 30 years old. Hence the stage 5 clinger. Good news? No psycho exes, no STDs. Bad news? I am making the 18 year old mistakes in relationships. Do guys find this a BIG red flag? This definitely impacts the dates I go on, but I'm unsure how to slip this in to normal conversations. It can be a really scary topic (for both parties), so it's hard to broach it. But it explains a lot about my sometime awkward behavior on dates.
It's not at all a big red flag. If anything, there might be a little one there that says "Oh geez, her parents might think I'm evil," but none about you. If anything, personally, as a guy with very religious parents himself, it makes you MORE attractive. You would presumably be able to understand my mom's nuttiness.
 
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