nightling is offline nightling Post #21  August 9,2011, 5:46am
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I know when a guy says something like that it basically means he has lost interest. But personally if I said something like that it would mean I like the guy but don't know enough about him yet to be so intense and that I want to get to know him better first.

But I like to know who I'm getting attached to before I go and get attached.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #22  August 9,2011, 6:28am
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kreg85 wrote :
Thx for advice so far - rereading some of her texts fromn yesterday she said "I am not playing games with you, I do like you and have a great time, I just feel consumed with it all, that is" then a little later she wrote (and I must've missed it) "but I don't want a full out relationship" - so with this extra info does it change advice from those who say to not give up?
It does for me. I can't imagine saying something like that to a man, but if I did...

...it would be because I already had one foot out the door.

How old are you both? She sounds awful young; do you want somebody so...ambivalent?

At the very least, it sounds like you would have to lead her...kicking and screaming...into a relationship against her will. You're a nice looking guy; you can do better than this, I think.

I'm sorry, because I know you like her, but I really would count her out, explore other options, and let her come get her shirt...or not...in her own good time.

Good Luck. Sounds like you're gonna need it.

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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #23  August 9,2011, 6:35am
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VB_Girl wrote :
It sounds very intense so far. She's only requested to slow things down to a more normal pace. You are projecting your baggage and fears into the situation.

Relax and give her a little breathing space. Communicating once or twice a day should be sufficient to keep the relationship going.

Good luck.
this (to save myself the typing)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #24  August 9,2011, 6:37am
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ohhh she doesnt want a full out relationship? i think the attraction is gone. you dont say that to someone you're interested in. sure maybe she likes you but she doesnt LIKE you. jmo
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #25  August 9,2011, 6:41am
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yeah, for her to say she doesn't want a full out relationship means that she's not that into you and she doesn't want to have sex with you. that's what "full out" would mean in girl terms. she wants to hang out and see where it goes and be more casual.

If that is what you want, great. if you want more, then tell her it's over, give her back her shirt, and be done with it. otherwise I see you becoming the guy hanging on, hoping she likes you and changes her mind, and becoming pathetic along the way. don't let that happen to yourself. be strong, tell her what YOU want and then back off and wait and see what happens next.
 
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kreg85 is offline kreg85 Post #26  August 9,2011, 6:47am
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Im 39 annd she's 38 - kinda getting the move on vibe myself the more I read the opinions etc on this page. She is a smart gal and not too hard on the eyes... Kinda leaning to the move on thoughts...
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #27  August 9,2011, 6:49am
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youre cute. bigger and better things...
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #28  August 9,2011, 6:50am
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She wanted to do a "slow-fade" style break-up, in which she still got attention and some degree of affection from you, when she felt like it (i.e. "fooling around").

When you reacted by saying you were going to give her shirt back, she interpretted that to mean that you were going to end it (i.e. signified by the "return of the other persons things") and that scared her, because she was hoping to tease you along and still be ambivalent.

Then she told you that she "liked you but didn't want a full relationship" as a last-ditch effort to preserve your "friend who pays for my entertainment"/"cuddle-buddy" status until she finds someone with whom she actually does want to have a "full-on relationship" (i.e. probably code for "all that other stuff plus sex"). Even though there is a high risk that telling you that will deter you, if you don't stand up for yourself and discontinue contact with her, she can continue to limit what you want according to her unstated terms, and in her own mind, not feel guilty about it because, after all, "she told you that she wanted to 'take it slow' and 'wasn't interested in a a full-on relationship.' "

This is the inverse of the men who get sex from a woman, then act ambivalent about "doing boyfriend stuff," but ease their own consciences by saying vague things like, "I'm not sure what I want right now" or "Let's just have fun for now" and that kind of thing. (And then women come to the message-boards and write, "We had sex, but how can I tell if we're exclusive?")

In your case, instead, it's the pattern of, "I want you to do boyfriend stuff and give me boyfriend-type affection, when I feel like, but when I don't feel like, know your place---not my boyfriend and not in a relationship with me."


[My reaction would be different if she sincerely and clearly expressed that she didn't want to have sex until some point. such as exclusivity or even engagement. Then you would have to make a decision: is her desire to wait consistent with your own desires and goals? However, she is not being direct or acting upon some internal principal, but instead appears to be following the typical: "have your cake and eat it too pattern."]

I would be curious to know how old she was? Anyone can do this kind of thing, but, IMAO, it is a mark of immaturity.

EDIT: Ok, I see you answered that: 38 is wayyyy too old to still be doing that.
Last edited by FaintestInkling; August 9,2011 at 6:53am.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #29  August 9,2011, 6:56am
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You have my sympathy, btw---I hate time-wasters.

Makes you almost feel grateful for the one-(or-two)-and-done dates, who show little enthusiasm and poof or don't call back ... They weren't as direct as they should be, but at least they don't show intense enthusiasm, then back out while trying to preserve the parts they liked ....
 
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tinaroonie is offline tinaroonie Post #30  August 9,2011, 7:14am
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From your initial post, I would have said you can slow down and have a relationship (I did this with my boyfriend and it worked fine), but based on the follow up information you provided, I agree she has one foot out the door. I'm guessing she doesn't want to be the one to do the actual breaking up, but is doing a lot of little things that will end up causing you to break up with her. Don't waste yourr time or hers by playing this game. End it now. You can bring over her shirt and then tell it to her at that time. Move on for both your sakes. Good luck.
 
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