How do you turn off "dating mode"?


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That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #1  July 27,2011, 10:26pm
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Ever since I was a kid, I've always been craving a committed relationship. I've never been into short-winded flings like most other people my age, so whoever caught my eye was more than just a girl, she was a candidate for Ms. Right.

Throughout the years, I devoted most of my time and energy toward tapping into whatever talent I had and learning as much as I could while gaining as many skills as I could grasp along the way. Every waking moment was a test for me to see if I was able to make the cut for the perfect husband. In the eyes of girls, I was never seen on the same level as other boys, so I had no choice but to surpass them in literally all aspects. I had to eliminate all doubt that I was a good choice. However, countless rejections proved my tests as failures, so they were followed countless improvements.

It consumed my life so much, I never had the opportunity to learn how to live life for myself or be happy alone. I don't believe the pointless cliches like "nobody will love you if you don't love yourself" or "you cannot love until you love yourself", but learning how to enjoy my life would definitely be a good skill to have.

How exactly does one live for oneself?
 
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musubi7 is offline musubi7 Post #2  July 28,2011, 12:48am
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I follow the immortal words in the chorus of Cee Lo Green's 2010 song....of whose title I can't put here because I'm on thin ice for swearing too much on these boards...but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

I might not have the most exciting or grandeur life (in fact, most people would probably call it boring) but I live it and I really don't care what anybody says.

But I'm also 21. I might not be the best person to take advice from.
 
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FrankTheGreat is offline FrankTheGreat Post #3  July 28,2011, 2:36am
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If thoughts of a relationship have consumed you since you were a child, you may want to talk to someone about that. It's utterly normal, when you're younger, to have a myopic point of view and not think of the long-term in favor of immediate gratification. You're not describing a healthy outlook on life, sorry to say.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  July 28,2011, 5:57am
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From someone who has been in a serious relationship since the age of 17, now divorced 2 years, I completely understand what you are talking about. It's a new world out here.

I would basically say find out who you are and how you are comfortable being. Don't let anyone tell you that your emotions are wrong. Just think about how you can address your and any relationship that comes in a healthy way. Take care of you and your own happiness... If something is not working, try a change. Don't be afraid to open your eyes and know what truly makes you happy in life. Go for it.
 
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sseiderm is offline sseiderm Post #5  July 28,2011, 6:15am
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[quote=That_Chris_Guy;1394119]Ever since I was a kid, I've always been craving a committed relationship. I've never been into short-winded flings like most other people my age, so whoever caught my eye was more than just a girl, she was a candidate for Ms. Right.

Throughout the years, I devoted most of my time and energy toward tapping into whatever talent I had and learning as much as I could while gaining as many skills as I could grasp along the way. Every waking moment was a test for me to see if I was able to make the cut for the perfect husband.


First of all, you need to understand that there is no such thing as "perfect," the perfect husband, wife, parent, etc. Everybody has some type of flaw. I think that once you realize this, then you won't be so stressed over developing these "skills" to become "perfect" and to just be yourself.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  July 28,2011, 6:35am
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This is a good question. Living for oneself does not mean living alone. It still involves other people, so all the normal courtesies and considerations apply.

I think it means filling your life with interesting activities, trustworthy friends, and affectionate family. Living as though you didn't want a partner just means giving your best self to other interests and people instead.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  July 28,2011, 6:42am
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Interesting.....so what in the world would constitute a perfect husband and how exactly have you been seeking such perfection?

Here is the thing - people aren't marrying the "perfect" husband or wife. They are marrying the person they love who comes with flaws, quirks, idiosyncrasies, good qualities and bad, likes and dislikes, interests and disinterests. It's the combination of all those things that make that person interesting or charming or otherwise unique and lovable to a given individual.

How do you do things for yourself? Well you find hobbies, things that interest you and then you pursue them. Go out and play tennis, not because you are being some odd vision of a "perfect" husband, but because you love the sport. Go see a concert, not because you are being a perfect anything, but because you love that group and want to see them. In short, get out and start doing things. Go out on a limb and try something you normally would not do and see how you like it. Peruse meetup.com and see if there are any groups that interest you and start participating.
 
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That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #8  July 28,2011, 7:05am
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My concept of "perfection" is obviously flawed, but it serves the same purpose as the expression "shoot for the moon. If you miss you'll hit the stars." Obviously it takes a rediculous about of propulsion to hit the moon, let alone a star, but the meaning is implied.

Why continue to aim for perfection when everyone knows it's impossible? I've never known a woman who was able or willing to look past my flaws. My flaws aren't much more serious than anyone else's, but for some reason whenever I enter the equation, the smallest error suddenly becomes unacceptable. I have a stable job, good manners, honesty, modesty, kindness, artistic talent, decent looks, and other things women claim to like, but I lose out to men with no drive, job, or ambition who are barely even housebroken? The system is flawed. Conventional means didn't apply to me so I had to take the unconventional route. I had no choice but to excel at everything to overpower whatever defect I have.

Also, I apprently sent the message that I don't do anything. I devoted my life toward building a resume, so I'm not new to traveling, exploring, and picking up new interests.
Last edited by That_Chris_Guy; July 28,2011 at 7:08am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  July 28,2011, 7:08am
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I wish we had some idea of exactly how old you are and a few other things about who you are.

However, without much information about you I come to the conclusion that you have a very skewed perception of how you view yourself and relationships. I am not one to often recommend therapy but I think that it is going to take some professional counseling to get you pointed in the right direction.
 
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That_Chris_Guy is offline That_Chris_Guy Post #10  July 28,2011, 7:11am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I wish we had some idea of exactly how old you are and a few other things about who you are.

However, without much information about you I come to the conclusion that you have a very skewed perception of how you view yourself and relationships. I am not one to often recommend therapy but I think that it is going to take some professional counseling to get you pointed in the right direction.
I'm 21, but I guess I'm one of those "old soul" types.
 
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