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greeneyedrebel is offline greeneyedrebel Post #1  July 27,2011, 5:10pm
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Someone I have been friends with for about 4 years has expressed an interest in me recently. I was in a relationship when I met her, and so was she. Now, we are both single, and I have an interest in her as well.

What she is looking for at the moment is casual dating, and that is fine with me. Things need time to develop in any situation anyway.

The part that confuses me is I've never dated someone who is dating multiple people at one time. I don't have a problem with her doing this at all, that's not it.

But coming from being friends, to dating, even casually, does change things. She does know me really well, so a lot of those 'basics' are not an issue. I wonder things like does an outing need to be specifically discussed as being a 'date' or not? Since there is already a connection between us, how do I handle those moments when I'm not sure if I'm being interacted with as a 'date' or as a friend? And how to develop the physical side of things without it seeming like now that I know she has an interest all I'm after is sex?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  July 27,2011, 5:38pm
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greeneyedrebel wrote :
Someone I have been friends with for about 4 years has expressed an interest in me recently. I was in a relationship when I met her, and so was she. Now, we are both single, and I have an interest in her as well.

What she is looking for at the moment is casual dating, and that is fine with me. Things need time to develop in any situation anyway.

The part that confuses me is I've never dated someone who is dating multiple people at one time. I don't have a problem with her doing this at all, that's not it.

But coming from being friends, to dating, even casually, does change things. She does know me really well, so a lot of those 'basics' are not an issue. I wonder things like does an outing need to be specifically discussed as being a 'date' or not? Since there is already a connection between us, how do I handle those moments when I'm not sure if I'm being interacted with as a 'date' or as a friend? And how to develop the physical side of things without it seeming like now that I know she has an interest all I'm after is sex?
Question: Are you defining this as "casual dating"..or is she?

If she is..I don't think you have to worry about that one...and here's why:
As I understand her request, it means she either wants to "date" for the sake of going out to do stuff, dinner, movies(which means you ain't gonna see any action).....or she wants a FWB situation(which means she wants your booty, and that's all)either way, you're off the hook as I see it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  July 27,2011, 5:39pm
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I have some concern over this. To know you since four years and yet not be willing to attempt a relationship (exclusivity), yet want to "date?"

It doesn't make sense.

I typically will not "date" a multi-dater (especially when they really mean buy me nice dinners and entertainment), and would be afraid of this overture.

I would make any meeting a shared cost (alternating is fine too.)

As for intimacy, I will be having sex with my partner or they are not a partner at all. I have room for one - not less than one, and not more. I will not be one of multiple partners of my partner.

Personally, I would force this person to make a choice: they become an exclusive partner, or I won't be a partner of theirs at all.

***

I see this as high risk that someone will become more invested than the other, and potentially get hurt / exploited.

If you're comfortable with that risk, then why not venture out and see what you can capture?
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  July 27,2011, 5:56pm
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I guess the question becomes, do you really want a relationship with this woman or do you just want to be casual and see where things go? I agree that things take time, but I do worry that if she's not really interested in a relationship now that you will be a part of her rebound experimentation phase and not considered for something more serious. Just something to think about if you do want something that is more than just a hook up.

Regardless, if you do want to hang out with her as more than friends though I think you should be a bit more direct about how you ask her so she is 100% clear it is a date.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #5  July 27,2011, 7:48pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Personally, I would force this person to make a choice: they become an exclusive partner, or I won't be a partner of theirs at all.
Based on the fact that you've known each other for so long, I agree with D Lion. She has definitely known you long enough to determine whether or not she wants to be exclusive with you. If she doesn't, then I would refuse to be one of the guys she's multi-dating. What would be the point?
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #6  July 27,2011, 8:07pm
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I would recommend defining an objective you want to accomplish from going out with her. A relationship? A new FWB? A movie partner? Get a goal in mind and proceed from there.

If you're going to date her, she's no longer a buddy friend. She's a date. So she gets taken out on dates by you, her date. And physicality happens when and however it would normally happen with a date.

If all you want is to try and expand your friendship to include the occasional fumbling around on the sofa, that's fine too. But don't call it dating. That's friends with extras.

The one thing I hope you won't do is allow yourself to become her pretend date. If you allow her to use you to fill in the gaps when her preferred guys are unavailable because she's so comfortable with you...and you get along so wellllllll...you might as well just hand her your unmentionable bits in a box right now and be done with it.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #7  July 27,2011, 8:14pm
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flgal wrote :
She has definitely known you long enough to determine whether or not she wants to be exclusive with you.
+1
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  July 27,2011, 9:17pm
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Please, don't call it "hanging out". That just puts the FWB option on the table too soon. If you want to casually date her, then make "dates" with her. It's not fair to assume that because she is multi-dating that she doesn't want or isn't looking for something that will be serious or lead to exclusive in the (near) future.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #9  July 27,2011, 9:22pm
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HelenDanger wrote :
I would recommend defining an objective you want to accomplish from going out with her. A relationship? A new FWB? A movie partner? Get a goal in mind and proceed from there.

If you're going to date her, she's no longer a buddy friend. She's a date. So she gets taken out on dates by you, her date. And physicality happens when and however it would normally happen with a date.

If all you want is to try and expand your friendship to include the occasional fumbling around on the sofa, that's fine too. But don't call it dating. That's friends with extras.

The one thing I hope you won't do is allow yourself to become her pretend date. If you allow her to use you to fill in the gaps when her preferred guys are unavailable because she's so comfortable with you...and you get along so wellllllll...you might as well just hand her your unmentionable bits in a box right now and be done with it.
Helen and I often see things from very different perspectives. In my mind she nailed this one. If she and I totally agree then either that is really solid advice, or 100% wrong..........who knows.
 
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steele_launz is offline steele_launz Post #10  July 27,2011, 9:55pm
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greeneyedrebel wrote :
Someone I have been friends with for about 4 years has expressed an interest in me recently. I was in a relationship when I met her, and so was she. Now, we are both single, and I have an interest in her as well.

What she is looking for at the moment is casual dating, and that is fine with me. Things need time to develop in any situation anyway.
Walk away. Alleviate and absolve feelings for her immediately. This is a tried and true player move. Before you know it, you will be clawing, kicking and screaming being dragged by your legs into the most frightening dimension known to man: the friend zone.

I think we both know how this is going to turn out, son. If it's too good to be true, it is. Shucks buddy, she's known you for four years now. If she hasn't jumped your bones by now, she ain't never gonna. As soon as you hear "I needs more time", she will play your feelings for her like a fiddle to get anything she wants out of you. Anything.
Last edited by steele_launz; July 27,2011 at 10:01pm.
 
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