screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #1  July 27,2011, 11:23am
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So here's my situation (parts of this story I've told in other threads on this board):

I met a guy on eH a little over a month ago. We dated for a while, but not exclusively. Yesterday we decided to become exclusive. Great, right? Well, here's the problem: while he's almost everything I'm looking for, the part he's lacking (for me) is physical attraction. I'm just not that physically attracted to him. I feel terrible and superficial for placing importance on that, but because of it, I just can't shake the feeling that I've made a mistake by becoming exclusive with him. I initially decided to accept his offer of exclusivity because of everything else about him that I love, but the fact of the matter is that physical intimacy is important to me as part of a healthy relationship, and while it's not terrible kissing him, I definitely don't feel the passion for him that I have in past relationships.

There's another problem, though, too. (I've talked about this in a past thread, too). I hosted a guy this past spring who is going to be starting the same graduate program as me. We hit it off that weekend, but I was in a relationship at that point, so it didn't go anywhere beyond friendship. Since then, we've been skyping almost every week for 1.5-2 hours at a time. He asked that we make it a weekly thing. I definitely feel like we have chemistry, and I'd love to be with him, but the problem is that I don't know for sure whether he has feelings for me. Part of me wants to confess to him how I feel, but I'm afraid he won't reciprocate the feelings, and then everything will be extremely awkward when he arrives in the fall.

What should I do?
 
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savman is offline savman Post #2  July 27,2011, 11:41am
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Well, I guess you know that you messed up pretty good by agreeing to exclusivity with a guy when you are so unsure about him, and have another guy in the wings that you talk to weekly and really want to be with. But, that is in the past and you can only change the future.

First, you have to decide what YOU want. Then you can start making agreements with other people.

It sounds to me like you need to find out how "far away boy" feels about you. Yes it is scary, but you don't have to make it super scary to him. You could say something like, "When you get here in the fall, do you want to explore the chance of us having a real relationship?" His answer could be, "duh". Or it could be, "I am sorry, but I don't really think of you what way."

But please, don't go there unless you are going to break up with the other guy right away if you get a positive reaction.

I don't think it is at all fair to agree to exclusivity if this other guy might come and ask you out on a date you would immediately say yes to.
 
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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #3  July 27,2011, 11:43am
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savman wrote :
Well, I guess you know that you messed up pretty good by agreeing to exclusivity with a guy when you are so unsure about him, and have another guy in the wings that you talk to weekly and really want to be with. But, that is in the past and you can only change the future.

First, you have to decide what YOU want. Then you can start making agreements with other people.

It sounds to me like you need to find out how "far away boy" feels about you. Yes it is scary, but you don't have to make it super scary to him. You could say something like, "When you get here in the fall, do you want to explore the chance of us having a real relationship?" His answer could be, "duh". Or it could be, "I am sorry, but I don't really think of you what way."

But please, don't go there unless you are going to break up with the other guy right away if you get a positive reaction.

I don't think it is at all fair to agree to exclusivity if this other guy might come and ask you out on a date you would immediately say yes to.
Thanks - I know I really messed up and I feel terrible. If I got a positive reaction from "far away boy," I would immediately break up with the guy I'm with now. I think you're right that I need to just take the plunge and tell "far away boy" how I feel.
 
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The_Tinkerbell is offline The_Tinkerbell Post #4  July 27,2011, 12:04pm
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Tell them both how You feel about them. Be honest, who knows, maybe that skype guy is longing for the same thing and is not sure how You feel about him. Be fair to that other guy You're not attracted to, he deserves a girl who'll love everything about him.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  July 27,2011, 12:39pm
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These are two entirely separate problems. Ie, the right outcomes for each don't depend on the outcome of the other problem. The way you've written your post it almost seems that you're relating outcomes in one to the other. If that's the case, divorce them in your mind and think about them separately.

That should make things become clearer.

In the first problem, since you know the physical component isn't there for you with Guy A, I think you need to have a difficult conversation with the newly acquired boyfriend and explain that you don't want to be exclusive and that he is free to and should start seeing other people. You should be clear that you don't have the right level of romantic attraction to him and that he didn't do anything wrong. You agreed to accept his proposal because he is such a great guy and you were hoping you'd fall in love with him anyway, but you realize now it's not going to happen. Tell him you're very sorry for raising his hopes this way and dashing them. (Because you should be terribly sorry.) Don't make this mistake again. Physical chemistry doesn't develop over time. Attraction can only increase if the physical chemistry was there from the beginning.

On the second guy, I don't think you should rush anything. The chemistry is there and that's essential, but so are many other things to a long-term successful relationship.

Lean back, get to know him first. Find out if he's someone you'd really want to get emotionally attached to. He might not be All That, despite the chemistry.

Only when he has demonstrated integrity and the other qualities that make a lasting relationship would I make any sort of move toward commitment.

And even then, in my experience, these things turn out better when the guy decides himself that it's his idea and asks the girl.

Good luck.
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #6  July 27,2011, 12:58pm
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you need to break up with the current guy, because skyping with a guy that you want to be with while you're in a relationship is dangerously close to cheating (I'd break up with a girl for doing that as it's close enough to cheating for me).

You're not "wrong" or even superficial, you're just not attracted to him. Physical attraction is important in a relationship, despite how much ugly people want to fool themselves that all that matters is what's on the inside...(ok that was a joke, but it's kind of true). It's unfortunate that you agreed to be exclusive, but this clearly won't work out. Time to save face and end it. Once you end it, then figure out what you want to do with this grad student.
 
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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #7  July 27,2011, 1:00pm
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Thanks for the advice, everyone. I will break things off as soon as possible, and then see if anything happens with this other guy. You're right that I shouldn't compare the two situations; one doesn't depend on the other. I feel absolutely terrible for agreeing to be exclusive with him, but the best thing I can do now is to just break things off.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #8  July 27,2011, 1:05pm
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Oh, in your original post I got the idea that if you found out that skype guy was not interested you would want to continue with the new boyfriend.

If that is not the case, then certainly let him know as soon as practical.
 
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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #9  July 27,2011, 1:10pm
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I'm going to let him know tonight. Treating the two situations as separate, I can say that independent of skype guy, I don't think my relationship with the new bf can work out. I messed up royally and will make it right tonight. Then I'll see what happens with skype guy.
 
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beanie73 is offline beanie73 Post #10  July 27,2011, 1:18pm
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don't be in a relationship with someone because you're afraid of being alone...it's not fair to you, nor whom your with. You need to break things off ASAP and just stay dating. If you really want to see where it goes with "skype guy" then be single..because you need to think of what or how he will feel if he realizes this whole time you've been working up to a relationship with each other you've been with someone else and intimate with someone else...will make him feel like he was always on the back burner.
 
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