Why I'm getting suspicious of online dating...


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Clare334 is offline Clare334 Post #1  July 27,2011, 10:10am
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torn...

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After being single for 3 years I met a guy online here. We corresponded through short emails over the course of a week, and found that we had an overwhelming amount of things in common. It was amazing to me that I finally met someone who shared my interests in photography, art, and 1940s literature.

So I suggested that we meet. He got back to me immediately and picked to meet that Friday at a very nice restaurant near my home. I quickly agreed to his plan. He asked for my number and suggested that we have a conversation that night, as our planned meeting was just 4 days away. He said he would call at a certain time, but instead sent me a fairly long text explaining that he could not call because he had to take his sister to the airport. So, it was assumed that we would just meet despite not having spoken on the phone. After all, we lived only 5 minutes from each other.

We had our date at the planned place and time. The conversation, chemistry, restaurant was all perfect. He showered me with compliments about my looks, my personality, my knowledge of art amongst other positive things. He talked as much as he listened to me--there was no cutoffs or awkward silences. He suggested that we go to this and that place together next time we meet. He even said that he would love to travel to Europe with me some day. He said that his mother would love me and and that he wanted me to meet her soon. I thought that his complimentary language was very strong for a first date, but the fluidity and depth of the conversation seemed to keep things balanced. So I assumed that he too was caught up in all that we had in common, and that his compliments must be genuine. After a few hours we had had dinner, dessert, and two drinks. It was getting late so I ended the date. He said that he was having so much fun that he did not want to see the date end. I then thanked him for paying for dinner, expressed what a good time I had.

To my joy, the next morning I received a text from him saying: "Clare, I loved every minute with you." I responded to the text expressing what a great time I too had. Two weeks went by and I never got a response to my text. I was shocked that he had not planned a date. I noticed that he was still active on the site. I could not stop thinking about how amazing our chemistry was. I wrote him an email expressing that I was very confused as to why he never got back to me, especially after that strong text message the next morning. I told him how much I hoped to see him again. He responded almost immediately apologizing and stating that a friend of his had been killed in a car accident, and that he had been too sad to date. He said that he did not call because he was afraid I would not be receptive to him after two weeks. He also expressed that he was still very interested in me, meant every nice word he said on the date, and that he liked me very much. Relieved, I wrote back to him and suggested that we get together the next weekend. Mysteriously, he never wrote me back or called and has closed me out of his matches. It's been 5 days since his apologetic email.

What are your thoughts on these events? Is this guy crazy? If he is not into me, why did he make it so darn clear that he liked me so much? Why make all those plans to go and here and there together?
Last edited by Clare334; July 27,2011 at 10:16am.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  July 27,2011, 10:17am
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Wow, Clare, this is a very sad story. I'm sorry that your first online dating experience turned out so badly.

There is no good explanation for why some people just disappear, but it seems to happen quite often. On the eHAdvice boards we call it "poofing" because, magically, the person just goes "poof!" and they are gone.

Having said that it happens often, it hasn't actually happened to me in three years of online dating. But, it happens often enough that these people are a significant subset of the dating population.

I hope that future dates turn out better for you.

Welcome to the eHAdvice boards!

(Edit: I just remembered: it did happen to me once! Clearly, I had pushed it so far from my awareness that I had forgotten how awful it felt at the time.)
Last edited by annother; July 28,2011 at 7:40am.
 
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warmsunflower is offline warmsunflower Post #3  July 27,2011, 10:35am

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I've found that anyone coming on this strongly in the beginning is caught up in the excitement of feeling like they are a great guy but can only sustain this for one date or maybe two. It is the thrill and yes, he was after something from you in return. Did he really know about 1940's literature or just echo your comments? Also know there are a number of those books that are common lit assignments in HS and college, some have had (recent) movies, so could be smoke and mirrors here.
I also think the game of trapping you to stay longer was in play here so good for you for ending the date before it got a bit too real.
Hey, at least you had one great date and perhaps in a little less insulting way have learned about poofing.
 
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kididaho is offline kididaho Post #4  July 27,2011, 10:50am
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I'm sorry about your experience. I believe we all could share similar outings, where the person seemingly went out of their way to let you know they were interested, only to disappear soon thereafter.

We may never know the true rhyme or reason, but one of the greatest challenges of online dating is the initial stage of meeting someone. Especially if this person is very attractive. They too have an open profile, and are getting attention from other people they are attracted to as well.

Beyond that, it becomes a choice of theirs to lavish in the attention, holding out for, or thinking they've met someone better for them. This can be very frustrating, confusing and hurtful, but it's all part of the great American Cyber Bar, where feelings haven't been developed yet, thus making it easy for another person to sweep in and out woo the person you thought you clicked with.

What makes it even more aggravating was their outspokenness of how interested they were in you. This is part of their compulsive behavior, and can be a sign of their emotional immaturity. I now consider someone going out of their way to charm me a red flag, because there's no way a person can know all these wonderful things about me and make such bold presumptions after only one meeting.

Whether the guy's friend passed away or not, your texting Don Juan would most likely have clued you in on the passing of his buddy. I'm not trying to call him out on that, but using something as insensitive as the death of a close friend or relative, is a way to make you feel less suspicious of why he disappeared.

By him closing you, it's pretty evident he was wooed by someone who bought into his bs a bit easier than you did. Once he gets tired of this person, he'll drop her, and be emailing you explaining how busy he was.

Please do yourself a favor and ignore him. There's definitely people online willing to give you an opportunity to date. My opinion is those of us are in the minority, but like anything else, it's an odds and numbers game, where the massive impurities rise to the top and the pure gold is left on the bottom.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your experience.
 
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uglymug70 is offline uglymug70 Post #5  July 27,2011, 11:00am
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Clare334 wrote :
We had our date at the planned place and time. The conversation, chemistry, restaurant was all perfect. He showered me with compliments about my looks, my personality, my knowledge of art amongst other positive things. He talked as much as he listened to me--there was no cutoffs or awkward silences. He suggested that we go to this and that place together next time we meet. He even said that he would love to travel to Europe with me some day. He said that his mother would love me and and that he wanted me to meet her soon. I thought that his complimentary language was very strong for a first date, but the fluidity and depth of the conversation seemed to keep things balanced. So I assumed that he too was caught up in all that we had in common, and that his compliments must be genuine. After a few hours we had had dinner, dessert, and two drinks. It was getting late so I ended the date. He said that he was having so much fun that he did not want to see the date end. I then thanked him for paying for dinner, expressed what a good time I had.
^The emboldened text. Everything else is less important.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but if you ever hear a man on a first, second, third date promising you the world or talking about your future together in such rosy terms, don't walk...run!!
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #6  July 27,2011, 11:09am
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uglymug70 wrote :
^The emboldened text. Everything else is less important.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but if you ever hear a man on a first, second, third date promising you the world or talking about your future together in such rosy terms, don't walk...run!!
yeah saying you want to make travel plans with someone you just met is crazy talk.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #7  July 27,2011, 11:13am
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Clare this sucks...sorry to hear it. I think it's a fluke- most guys won't be like this.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  July 27,2011, 11:17am
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I agree with the other posters. Unfortunately "poofing" happens more often than one would hope, even after dates where everything seems to be going well and it appears like the other person really likes you. The one thing I will say is from my past experience, those who have been over the top in their compliments and promises from day one have never worked out. Often it seems that they are more in love with the idea of me or of dating, than who I really am. Even when these situations have lead to more dates it has usually ended up happening that they drop me completely when they learn something about me that is inconsistent with the perfect version of me they have created in their head.

That said I would urge you to be suspicious of this guy, not online dating as a whole. Yes there are lots of people who "poof" from online dating sites, but there are also others who are respectful, honest, and not so up and down in their communication. That isn't to say you will connect with and want to date every one of them, but I wouldn't dismiss online dating as a whole based on your experience with this guy.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #9  July 27,2011, 11:28am
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Clare334 wrote :
.We had our date at the planned place and time. The conversation, chemistry, restaurant was all perfect. He showered me with compliments about my looks, my personality, my knowledge of art amongst other positive things. He talked as much as he listened to me--there was no cutoffs or awkward silences. He suggested that we go to this and that place together next time we meet. He even said that he would love to travel to Europe with me some day. He said that his mother would love me and and that he wanted me to meet her soon. I thought that his complimentary language was very strong for a first date, but the fluidity and depth of the conversation seemed to keep things balanced. So I assumed that he too was caught up in all that we had in common, and that his compliments must be genuine. After a few hours we had had dinner, dessert, and two drinks. It was getting late so I ended the date. He said that he was having so much fun that he did not want to see the date end. I then thanked him for paying for dinner, expressed what a good time I had.
These types of comments are very inappropriate to make on a first date. And that's not even counting the barage of compliments and the excuses about why he did not call.

Who knows what makes people act the way they do. Possible reasons:
1. He's bipolar.
2. He's unmedicated bipolar.
3. He's nuts.
4. He has poor social skills.
5. He was just released from an asylum.
6. He's married.
7. He's a nice guy.
8. He has paranoid tendencies.
9. He's trying to please his mother.
10. He thinks he can do better.

Sorry this happened to you, but join the club.
Last edited by NYCpigeon; July 27,2011 at 11:40am.
 
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upstategirl is offline upstategirl Post #10  July 27,2011, 11:29am
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jimmyh452 wrote :
yeah saying you want to make travel plans with someone you just met is crazy talk.

Also the line about how his mother would love her and he wanted her to meet her soon is more crazy talk on a first date.

Sorry this happened to you Clare. Best thing you can do is put this behind you and start dating other matches.
 
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