here's a new one. to me, at least. he wants to date after his breakup.


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  July 27,2011, 9:53am
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just to show all of the variations of people there are out there, and the different mindsets. I went out with a very cute guy (cute was his calling card - so cute that when he walked into the restaurant, i thought, oh, yikes, he'll never want to date me, he's george clooney cute!) we went out three times, spaced over three or four weeks. we knew that we were each still meeting new people.

we had a lot of fun, great dates, no actual sex, but messed around a bit more than I should have on a second and third date. (In my defense, he was an awesome kisser!)

I sent him a "happy fourth of july" email and he responded in kind and we hadn't spoke since. our last date was june 13. so I knew he was probably dating someone else.

yesterday, I sent a teasing text, "married, yet?" first time we'd talked in nearly a month. he said, "no, not even close, but I am dating a girl I met about the same time I met you."

he wanted to keep texting, so we talked more, and I said that was fine, I wished him the best, that I knew him being so recently divorced - split from his wife in january this year, divorce final in april, I met him in may - that it had no long-term potential because no guy is ready for that so soon after an 18-year marriage ends.

he said that was true, that he was "leery" (his word) of his current dating relationship. and he asked me my take on newly divorced people dating and I told him that for the most part, people need at least a year or two to get back to being themselves after a divorce. that at first, it's just about having fun and having sex with someone new, and you don't worry about all their other qualities and long-term potential. but then, after a year or longer, depending on the person, you learn who you are as a divorced person, and what you want in a mate, and you are able to choose more wisely.

he said that makes a lot of sense and he absolutely agrees. he said, "what does that mean for us?" I said, jokingly, "it means have fun and be wild and call me in a year!" He said, "I was really hoping you'd say that. I want to see you again. I know this relationship won't work out."

I told him that I was serious, that he needed a year to be alone. At the very least. He said he really liked me though, and thinks I'm a great catch, and he doesn't want to not ever go out with me again. I pointed out to him that he chose to date someone else exclusively over me, when he'd already met me, so that bruised my ego a bit, but not too much since I think so highly of myself (said tongue in cheek!)

He said I need to give him leeway cause he's new at this, very green, and he's already made tons of mistakes and knows that he'll make a lot more. And that obviously choosing to not date me was one of them.

I said it wasn't a mistake, because he's in a different place than me. That I want a boyfriend now who knows what he wants out of his life and relationships, not someone still making mistakes and only three months out of a long-term marriage. (heck, he'd been married since he was 26!!! and with her since he was 24!)

So....what would you guys do with a guy like this? I figure I just won't contact him again, but I suspect I'll hear from him every time he goes through a breakup for the next year. Not sure if there will ever be a time to actually date him. He said if it's meant to be, it will work out. I don't personally believe in fate, myself.

Too bad. He's a cutie. And actually a really nice guy. About the only seriously nice guy I've met in three months of dating online.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #2  July 27,2011, 9:54am
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wow. I just wrote a novella. Sorry!!!!
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #3  July 27,2011, 10:32am
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It's funny; as I was reading a word my dad uses a lot popped into my head. Sheisty.

He has a lot to say and what he actually does doesn't reflect it.

I think you're blinded by his cuteness and are giving him the benefit of a doubt that you wouldn't under other circumstances. Having to create excuses for people (you telling HIM about the impact of his recent divorce) is never a good sign. You were smart to tell him to get back in touch if and when he balances out; stick to it.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  July 27,2011, 10:35am
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The idea that people need a year after a divorce is a guideline, not a rule. Depending on prior circumstances, an individual might take a lot less or a lot more time to be emotionally available.

It is a blow to the ego to know that he chose to date someone else after having dated you, but it sounds as though he realizes he made a mistake. It was an act of naivety more than the calculated act of a player.

However, right now he is dating, so the question is moot. Wait and see where each of you is when he is single again. By then you might be in a new relationship yourself.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  July 27,2011, 11:14am
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lunabeach wrote :
It's funny; as I was reading a word my dad uses a lot popped into my head. Sheisty.

He has a lot to say and what he actually does doesn't reflect it.

I think you're blinded by his cuteness and are giving him the benefit of a doubt that you wouldn't under other circumstances. Having to create excuses for people (you telling HIM about the impact of his recent divorce) is never a good sign. You were smart to tell him to get back in touch if and when he balances out; stick to it.
Very good points!...

Another thing to think about Scully....is that you hadn't heard from him in over a month...and YOU were the one that contacted him to start all this new conversation...Otherwise...he was going along his merry way, dating this new woman, and not thinking about you as proven by him not contacting you....

You know I say that with love

I think he is too 'green' after his divorce...I would just let him do his thing and leave it alone...If/when time passes (maybe 6 months to a year from now) ...if HE contacts you...and you aren't dating someone...then I would say it wouldn't hurt to try and see how things have changed and how his state of mind is...

It sounds like he is in the beginning stages of his divorce and has been too busy dating to really sit back and analyze or think much about everything...He's just enjoying the phase of 'new women' as he was married for so long...I wouldn't doubt if it hits him later the magnitude of all that has happened...

Just my thoughts
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  July 27,2011, 11:27am
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Ingytravel wrote :
Very good points!...

Another thing to think about Scully....is that you hadn't heard from him in over a month...and YOU were the one that contacted him to start all this new conversation...Otherwise...he was going along his merry way, dating this new woman, and not thinking about you as proven by him not contacting you.
I unfortunately have to agree with this. The other thing I will add is that when I end up in situations where I find out the person is in a position where I don't feel they are ready for something serious (i.e. a guy who was separated but not yet divroced) or they have informed me they really like me but want to focus on someone else right now I am very clear about the circumstances underwhich it is okay to contact me. As in, I only want to hear from you when your divorce is final and when you're ready to try to pursue something with me.

So far that's worked well at keeping away the would be late night texters or people who just want attention following a breakup.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #7  July 27,2011, 12:27pm
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oh gosh, guys, we all ARE on the same page here! if he called me and wanted to date again next month, I'd say no. seriously. he's not ready to date anyone for real. the fact he can be with this woman and telling me he still wants to eventually date me again is proof of that!

but six months down the road, I'd consider it. he's never lied to me, or been a jerk. but right now I absolutely wouldn't consider it. would be friends with him, but nothing more at this point.

I don't expect anything to ever come of it. Just wanted to share the tale. it's a good one.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #8  July 27,2011, 12:29pm
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scully98 wrote :
oh gosh, guys, we all ARE on the same page here! if he called me and wanted to date again next month, I'd say no. seriously. he's not ready to date anyone for real. the fact he can be with this woman and telling me he still wants to eventually date me again is proof of that!

but six months down the road, I'd consider it. he's never lied to me, or been a jerk. but right now I absolutely wouldn't consider it. would be friends with him, but nothing more at this point.

I don't expect anything to ever come of it. Just wanted to share the tale. it's a good one.
We love Scully tales!
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #9  July 27,2011, 12:47pm
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I think you're playing with him without even meaning to. I also sense a manipulative and opportunistic streak in him. So I'd be careful. He's probably best left out in the dating wild where you found him.
 
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kididaho is offline kididaho Post #10  July 27,2011, 1:03pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
We love Scully tales!
And I love the cute dog on your avatar.

I'm glad you agree with the rest, as starting to meet and date someone is unpredictable enough even when they're not recently divorced.

I'm with the rest of you. I'm ready to date someone also ready to retire from the rodeo circuit. I'm not willing to "mess around" with someone if I think they're also "messing around" with other people. That doesn't mean it's wrong for you or anyone else, but it's uncomfortable to me.

Call me bitter or a sore loser, but I won't date people who decided someone else over me, if we all met around the same time. There was a reason they moved on from me to begin with, so there's plenty more people they can play the dating game with.

I'm also not interested in being their buddy. I'm not looking for a buddy, and sometimes due to circumstantial timing, things just aren't meant to be. If they're constantly thinking of me when they're with someone else, then they should have thought of that earlier, and I feel sorry for the person they are dating, who might just think this person is really passionate about them.
 
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