When do you know you're ready to stop Dating?


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  July 25,2011, 10:27am
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Over the last couple of weeks, I have gotten a lot of contacts, and have gone through periods where I stop responding to them. This is the first time I've done that, and I usually always respond, even with a "thanks, but no thanks" kind of response if a guy took the time out to write me. After a few days of not responding to anyone, I'll respond to a bunch, and potentially arrange a meeting with some. But, the number of first meets I accept now are drastically lower than I have my entire dating period... average 1 per week.

I keep getting contacts and no longer even wanting to respond. I also thought about removing my profile. I'm not sure if this is something that a lot of people experience after two years of dating and not finding ... The One (for me)... maybe this is what it is, and I just never thought I would be on a dating site two years after starting to look.

or...

maybe, I feel I have found the one for me (a friend of mine), but he doesn't meet the criteria of what I'm looking for (actually, what I expected to find), so I keep looking?

Maybe if I keep dating... I can find what I'm looking for? Maybe, I just need a break?
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #2  July 25,2011, 10:33am
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Yeah, I reckon you're due for a break. I've been exactly where you are several times during my year on eHarmony. I just turn off matching and focus on other things for a couple of weeks or a month or whatever does the trick.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #3  July 25,2011, 12:50pm
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It sounds like you need a break. You don't need to remove your profile on eH. Just turn off matching for a while.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  July 25,2011, 1:06pm
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Profile is hidden... think I'm going to concentrate on "my friend" for now, and not date anyone new until I get this situation straight and determine when I might be ready to start dating again... if I even want to start dating again.

He wants to marry me... so I might just throw in the towel .
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  July 25,2011, 1:25pm
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jussmile wrote :
Profile is hidden... think I'm going to concentrate on "my friend" for now, and not date anyone new until I get this situation straight and determine when I might be ready to start dating again... if I even want to start dating again.

He wants to marry me... so I might just throw in the towel .
So wait...you got rid of "The One" because he wanted to take his time before being exclusive...and your other post is about 'choosing' between two people...and you thought it was awful to be 2nd choice by anyone...

But this guy who is your 'friend' and hasn't been even your 10th choice out of all the one's you have been dating as you've never chosen him until maybe now...when all your 'Hot/Hot' guys didn't choose you...but it's ok if you are the one to do the choosing?

We are saying, if someone was talking to you and one other person at the same time and chose the other person... to me, that means they chose the way they did for a reason. They had a chance to choose me at that time, and did not. They chose differently... to me, it says that something was missing from the start that they found in someone else that was more important than what they saw in me.

**Bolded snipped from your other post...


Poor guy deserves someone who is crazy about him from the start!...Isn't that what you are looking for and saying above?

I'm confused
Last edited by Ingytravel; July 25,2011 at 1:28pm.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  July 25,2011, 1:31pm
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jussmile wrote :
Profile is hidden... think I'm going to concentrate on "my friend" for now, and not date anyone new until I get this situation straight and determine when I might be ready to start dating again... if I even want to start dating again.

He wants to marry me... so I might just throw in the towel .
I hope you're kidding. Marriage shouldn't be equivalent to throwing in the towel. It should be the championship winning moment for both people. Sometimes, you seem like one dangerous squirrel... Be careful when you make a decision about your friend.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  July 25,2011, 1:48pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
So wait...you got rid of "The One" because he wanted to take his time before being exclusive...and your other post is about 'choosing' between two people...and you thought it was awful to be 2nd choice by anyone...

But this guy who is your 'friend' and hasn't been even your 10th choice out of all the one's you have been dating as you've never chosen him until maybe now...when all your 'Hot/Hot' guys didn't choose you...but it's ok if you are the one to do the choosing?

We are saying, if someone was talking to you and one other person at the same time and chose the other person... to me, that means they chose the way they did for a reason. They had a chance to choose me at that time, and did not. They chose differently... to me, it says that something was missing from the start that they found in someone else that was more important than what they saw in me.

**Bolded snipped from your other post...


Poor guy deserves someone who is crazy about him from the start!...Isn't that what you are looking for and saying above?

I'm confused
Ingy, I totally get what you are saying. Just like I said in the thread about choosing between two different people, that I have "personally" contacted other guys who were not my first choice, and it is very hard to go back. Yes, I have done it too!! Just because I say that I don't have an interest in someone who didn't choose me first, there are obviously (from that thread), many people who do not mind, and see things differently than I do. I do think there are different standards for different people.

For my friend, he doesn't matter that he wasn't my first, second, third, fourth... could go on... pick. He knows the reason I did not pick him. Those have not changed. I'm just thinking (just like all of my other threads have said), that maybe I am looking at the wrong things... maybe my criteria is off, and I should just give something, totally out of the ordinary a try. This guy is my friend... for a reason. I did not date him for a reason as well, and the guys that I have chosen to date (for a reason), didn't work out... so maybe my whole reasoning is off?

Dunno... just trying a different approach. He wants to, he knows I have been dating, he has been getting the play by play... I've known him for almost two years... he knows me. Why not... sometimes, you jump without looking... sometimes, you have to stop thinking. I think I've been thinking too much, and just need to do something different.

yeah... I'm losing it ... that's ok.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  July 25,2011, 1:49pm
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harnomygirl wrote :
I hope you're kidding. Marriage shouldn't be equivalent to throwing in the towel. It should be the championship winning moment for both people. Sometimes, you seem like one dangerous squirrel... Be careful when you make a decision about your friend.
I'm not marrying the guy ! ... well, not right now until I am absolutely crazy about him and don't consider it throwing in the towel or jumping!

yeah... careful is overrated!!
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #9  July 25,2011, 2:18pm
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jussmile wrote :
Ingy, I totally get what you are saying. Just like I said in the thread about choosing between two different people, that I have "personally" contacted other guys who were not my first choice, and it is very hard to go back. Yes, I have done it too!! Just because I say that I don't have an interest in someone who didn't choose me first, there are obviously (from that thread), many people who do not mind, and see things differently than I do. I do think there are different standards for different people.

For my friend, he doesn't matter that he wasn't my first, second, third, fourth... could go on... pick. He knows the reason I did not pick him. Those have not changed. I'm just thinking (just like all of my other threads have said), that maybe I am looking at the wrong things... maybe my criteria is off, and I should just give something, totally out of the ordinary a try. This guy is my friend... for a reason. I did not date him for a reason as well, and the guys that I have chosen to date (for a reason), didn't work out... so maybe my whole reasoning is off?

Dunno... just trying a different approach. He wants to, he knows I have been dating, he has been getting the play by play... I've known him for almost two years... he knows me. Why not... sometimes, you jump without looking... sometimes, you have to stop thinking. I think I've been thinking too much, and just need to do something different.

yeah... I'm losing it ... that's ok.
I think we will have to once again agree to disagree....

But to me...if he was truly a friend...you would actually want more for him than to be someone's last choice...I would never use someone like this just because I was frustrated with dating at the moment..

I would be encouraging him to find someone who thinks he is the best thing ever...to find someone who loves and adores him from the moment they lay eyes on him...That is what I would do for a friend...

Because I am pretty darn sure....if any of your choices...especially Mr. 'The One' had chosen to be exclusive...you would be dating him right now without a thought towards your friend at all...

So there is a difference with looking at your criteria and changing/tweaking the way you do things....or possibly breaking someone's heart because you feel lonely right now because all the guys that you have wanted to date haven't been reciprocating...

I think it's kind of cruel since you know how much this guy likes you...to even say he wants to marry you...and you don't have those feelings towards him...to just 'try' for the heck of it...I think we know who is going to get very hurt here...
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  July 25,2011, 4:36pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
I think we know who is going to get very hurt here...
When I commit... I commit wholly. He is not going to get hurt any more than any of us who are trying to find love, or companionship or intimacy risk getting hurt.

I do understand what you are saying. Under normal circumstances, I might even agree. But, I think it is time to try a different approach. People start dating friends all the time. I think love, deep love, companionship/relationship type love can grow out of the most unexpected places. This is honestly how my first marriage evolved. We were friends, he wanted more, I didn't have that to give him at first, and then decided he was a good guy and that it would work. We were married 15 years, I consider that successful. Not forever as expected, but not because I wasn't willing to give him forever.

I feel the same could happen with my friend. I think I can grow to love him more than a friend love, and really love everything about him (we'll see). He is a great guy, the kind of guy that you say, "you know, some girl's going to be very lucky one day." Well, I might as well be that girl. (this is what I said to my ex husband too!). What a silly statement.
 
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