What's so wrong with "poofing"?


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Newtothis79 is offline Newtothis79 Post #1  July 21,2011, 8:03pm
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I'm fairly new to this forum (hence the name), but one thing I've seen come up again and again is the ethics of "poofing." (I feel so silly using that term, but since it seems to be the standard, I'll comply).

Even though I've only been online dating for a month and a half (this time), I've "poofed" several times from email conversations (I've only met one person in person so far). For me, it's just that I like someone else, plus I'm very busy. Am I expected to write back to anyone I've had any correspondence with?

Personally, I don't even think someone owes me a conversation after a first date. Even a second date. And I don't think I owe them one. Now, I'd probably write/call back someone I went on a first date with who asked me on a second date if I wasn't interested. But if I were the one doing the asking, I wouldn't expect a response if they weren't interested.

Is that weird? Should I be responding to emails if I've only talked to someone a few times and then decided I didn't want to go out with them? I sincerely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I personally like the poof better than hearing, flat out, that someone doesn't like me, lol. Even though they mean the same thing, somehow not hearing from them again seems better to me than actually hearing they just weren't in to me.
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #2  July 21,2011, 8:27pm
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Newtothis79 wrote :
I sincerely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I personally like the poof better than hearing, flat out, that someone doesn't like me, lol. Even though they mean the same thing, somehow not hearing from them again seems better to me than actually hearing they just weren't in to me.
If you sincerely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings than you should think first about what the other person would most likely prefer rather than what you would prefer. As you're reading through peoples' posts you will see a lot of people stressed over people that have 'poofed'. Telling someone that you don't want to see them again is certainly awkward but it's not like it takes that long to send a brief email or make a phone call. Ending communication after a few emails is also different than after a few dates but in general, it's nice to right away rather than gradually figure out what's going on.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #3  July 21,2011, 8:39pm
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In general, it's just more polite to say "Thanks for corresponding with me/meeting me, but I don't think we're a match. Good luck in your search!"

That way they don't stress about whatever they may have said or done wrong, they won't worry about whether or not you'll contact them again, and you won't have them continually contacting you, over and over, wanting a response. (Surely you've seen those threads, too? )

As soon as you know that, for yourself at least, this isn't going to turn into a relationship - the polite thing to do is to let the other person know so that they, too, can go on with their life and perhaps meet someone better suited.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #4  July 21,2011, 9:14pm
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What's wrong with poofing (especially after a first or second date) is that it's rude and inconsiderate in my opinion. It only takes a few keystrokes (via computer or text) to let someone know you don't think they are a match and to wish them the best of luck in their search.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  July 21,2011, 9:30pm
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Newtothis79 wrote :
I've "poofed" several times from email conversations.. For me, it's just that I like someone else, plus I'm very busy.
If you're very busy like me, write a form letter you use for all your 'not-too-important' rejections. I cut+paste, add in the other person's name and 30s later they're history AND they won't be waiting for my reply or wondering what happened or thinking whether they should write again.

Courtesy doesn't take very long.

wrote :
But if I were the one doing the asking, I wouldn't expect a response if they weren't interested.
That's easy to say when you're NOT the one doing the asking. The asker has to grapple with how long to wait before offering that free day to another woman, or whether to follow-up again.

You're more likely to upset someone who is mentally unbalanced and have to deal with the aftermath--see other threads.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; July 21,2011 at 9:34pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  July 21,2011, 9:34pm
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Poofing is the cowards way out.

The poofer is afraid of the other person's reaction. The poofer knows they might hurt someone's feelings and they don't want to have to deal with how that will make them feel.

I suggest using these opportunities to grow. Not just up, but from. Just because you prefer something does not mean it is the right way to do it.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  July 21,2011, 9:35pm
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Newtothis79 wrote :
Should I be responding to emails if I've only talked to someone a few times and then decided I didn't want to go out with them? I sincerely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I personally like the poof better than hearing, flat out, that someone doesn't like me, lol. Even though they mean the same thing, somehow not hearing from them again seems better to me than actually hearing they just weren't in to me.
Telling someone you don't think you're a good match is not the same thing as telling them you don't like them. I doubt anyone has actually responded to you and said "I don't like you and don't want to date you." If it's not turning into something you want to pursue further it is perfectly acceptable to say "I've enjoyed talking to you. Good luck with your search."

Poofing is flat out rude and cowardly. You do it because it is easier for you and you don't want to have that slightly awkward moment of telling someone "it was nice to meet you, but no thanks." But it is bad manners, and after more than a date or two ending something with the silent treatment is also hurtful.

If you sincerely don't want to hurt someone's feelings, suck it up and do the right thing. At least send an email so you're not leaving the other person hanging wondering what happened.
 
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Newtothis79 is offline Newtothis79 Post #8  July 21,2011, 9:51pm
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Thank you all for your responses. You have genuinely made me think about this issue and reconsider my opinions. One question: is it ok to poof after a few emails as opposed to after the first date? I have done that sometimes, and it really isn't the other person at all. I just forget when I get caught up in someone else. Am I being a total jerk?
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #9  July 21,2011, 10:06pm
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Newtothis79 wrote :
One question: is it ok to poof after a few emails as opposed to after the first date? I have done that sometimes, and it really isn't the other person at all. I just forget when I get caught up in someone else. Am I being a total jerk?
It's not polite to poof when someone's taken the time to write you a personalized message. The less time they've invested in you, the less rude poofing is. But just type up a form letter. It takes all of 30 seconds to cut+paste it to someone and saves them some headaches.

I'll add, I don't always remember to write to everyone who writes me, so if you're being totally a jerk, I am sometimes too.
 
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SummerVacation is offline SummerVacation Post #10  July 21,2011, 10:15pm
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I agree there should be no poofing if you've ever met. HOWEVER, poofing is not so bad if you've only messaged once or twice and realized they are boring, or whining, or conceited, or whatever.

I have not poofed any of my matches who made it through Guided Communication. To the ones who are nagging, downers, or boring, I send a quick white lie saying that I'm moving to steady Communication with another match -- best of luck in your search. She will usually reply "ok, best wishes to you too." Then I will CLOSE the match.

However, I still dread getting the "You're being to rash. We spent all that time getting to know each other and now you're not even giving a chance. I am sorry I wasted my time on you $*!&@#." (Next time I go to a concert or get on a flight, I know SHE's gonna be seated in the row behind me).

Why did eHarmony take away the CLOSING reason option? I loved it when a woman closed me with "Other." That allowed me to fill-in her reason with: "I'm really a dude" or "Just saving you the expense of a wedding, honeymoon, $500K mortgage, and a high priced divorce attorney." Haha.
Last edited by SummerVacation; July 21,2011 at 10:22pm.
 
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