Did he "freak out"? Need some advice...


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LottieTalley is offline LottieTalley Post #1  June 26,2008, 12:32pm
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Hello,


I've been on e-harmony for a few years now (with breaks at different times) because I truly believe in their system. I have tried all of the other major sites and NO ONE ever communicated with me from those, but I do tend to get quite a bit of communication with EH.


I've met some great men who had some potential to be "the one", but were not quite "the one". I have done a lot of work of defining who I am and what I am looking for. Also, in my line of work, I have completed several personality inventories as well as inventories for conflict managment, etc. In other words, I truly do know myself very well and what I am looking for.


Recently, I had a wonderful match and the beginning of a great relationship. We were in OC within 4 days, talking on the phone within two weeks (every night for 2-3 hours) and met one month after being matched. That date was truly one of the best I have ever been on. There was just a brief hint of awkwardness at the first moment of meeting and then it was back to how things felt on our phone dates. We had spoken twelve times (about 30 hours total) and covered all kinds of topics. We talked about family, politics, social justice issues, faith and theology, hopes and dreams, what we are looking for, hobbies, jobs, even some personal stories, etc. We were in sync on all the important items and compatible on the others.


We spent 11 hours together that first day. It seemed like about three! We had lunch (which was the plan) and then talked for about three hours. Then he asked if I wanted to join him at a local festival for the evening. We talked most of that time, had dinner, looked at exhibits, listened to the music, etc. He even sought out some friends of his he knew would be there and introduced us.


Every signal he gave was that he was interested and wanted to see me again. In fact, we had already made arrangements to meet again. He kept saying it was too far away in time. (It was about three weeks down the road. I am out of state for a TEMP job and home for the weekend for an interview.) I'd be home again for the 4th and the following week. My TEMP job also ends in the next 4-8 weeks. He knew from the first e-mail that I was out of state through July or August. He even kissed me several times during our date. It was not a typical "first date" since we had "dated" so often on the phone before we met.


He called the next morning to make sure we were okay since a major storm had moved through the area. We both commented on how much we enjoyed our time together. He also called me later that night as I was driving back to my TEMP job.


The next evening he called when he normally did and told me that he didn't want to see my anymore. He didn't think the long distance would work. That didn't make sense to me since he knew I was going to be back in the area in two weeks for a week and then permanently after that in 4-6 weeks. I told him I felt that there was something he wasn't telling me and he eventually shared with me that a former girlfriend who broke up with him and just wanted to be friends had called him that weekend and wanted to get back together. He said, "We have very little in common and are complete opposites. I think my feelings for her might be stronger. I know I could be making the biggest mistake of my life and I don't expect you to be waiting for me when I come crawling back." He said the part about making the biggest mistake of his life three times.


What do you make of this? Did he freak out? Was it feeling too "right" to him and he got scared? I'm hurt because he wasn't willing to give the potential of our relationship another chance with at least meeting again to see how he felt after two face-to-face meetings. Guys, is this a common thing?


I am very confused, because what was starting was great and we did seem like the "perfect match" for each other. So far, he was the most "the one" I had met and I was excited to continue learning more about him to see if it continued that way.


I'd appreciate any insight.


Thanks,


Lottie
 
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abbeyroad28 is offline abbeyroad28 Post #2  June 26,2008, 12:45pm
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is going to expect more :)

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I've had this kind of thing happen to me with guys before too. It makes no sense. It makes me wonder what is REALLY going through their minds when they are convincing you how much they are into you and so excited about the relationship, when out of nowhere they no longer feel that way. Then you are not only left severly hurt, but incredibly confused. You can't stop picking apart everything trying to figure out what you did wrong.


I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. At least he was honest about the ex thing. I would just try to take him at his word and move on, as difficult as that could be. Good luck with the next fellow
 
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Mia21972 is offline Mia21972 Post #3  June 26,2008, 12:46pm

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There is something he's not telling, that's just makes no sense. He may never do so at this point but he is certainly not being honest with you.
 
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cheekywoman is offline cheekywoman Post #4  June 26,2008, 12:47pm
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It sounds like he has an ex in his life that he's not willing to let go of.It really doesn't matter why he called it off.Ultimately, he's not interested in pursuing a relationship withyou. Keep trying I'm sure you'll find someone.


P.S.I have to be honest...terms like "the one" kind of scare me (and I'm a girl). Did you happen to say things like this to him?
 
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JHerndon is offline JHerndon Post #5  June 26,2008, 12:48pm
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Sick Cycle Carousel. My old pastor used to talk about this term that comes from a song called sick cycle carousel wherein people feel like things are "not right" oftentimes when things are going great because it is something they are not used to. It sounds to me like he would rather remain in a familiar situation with someone who doesn't necessarily treat him right because it is more comfortable to him than being with you when you do treat him right.


I don't think it is a common thing, but what is a common thing is for people to cling to things that are comfortable in favor of taking chances on something that might be better. Some folks just aren't willing to take the risks it takes to build something better than what they already have or what they used to have that they KNOW isn't going to provide what they really want.


To really get a good idea of what is going on it would take getting more information directly from him... like why he would choose to go back to an ex-girlfriend when it didn't work out before, and why he would abandon a new relationship so easily for a relationship that already didn't work out once.


The important thing is Lottie, don't take it personally. It isn't about you, it's about whatever issues and thoughts he has going on in his own head. It isn't a matter of this other young lady being better than you, but it is a matter of him being more comfortable with her already. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but keep your chin up, because it sounds like you have a heart to find a guy who will appreciate what you bring to the table.


Joshua
 
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Lace23 is offline Lace23 Post #6  June 26,2008, 12:56pm
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Sick Cycle Carousel was by Lifehouse. I love that song.


Lottie - sounds just doesn't sound right with him. I mean, obviously the chemistry was there and he was into it and feeling it on the date and on the phone. To not even be that conflicted about giving up something so right in favor of something that has already hurt him tells me he is not as balanced as he seemed. I'm sorry but it truly sounds like this isn't about you, it's about him. And he is messed up.
 
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abbeyroad28 is offline abbeyroad28 Post #7  June 26,2008, 12:59pm
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is going to expect more :)

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JHerndon,152554 wrote :

Sick Cycle Carousel. My old pastor used to talk about this term that comes from a song called sick cycle carousel wherein people feel like things are "not right" oftentimes when things are going great because it is something they are not used to. It sounds to me like he would rather remain in a familiar situation with someone who doesn't necessarily treat him right because it is more comfortable to him than being with you when you do treat him right.


I don't think it is a common thing, but what is a common thing is for people to cling to things that are comfortable in favor of taking chances on something that might be better. Some folks just aren't willing to take the risks it takes to build something better than what they already have or what they used to have that they KNOW isn't going to provide what they really want.


To really get a good idea of what is going on it would take getting more information directly from him... like why he would choose to go back to an ex-girlfriend when it didn't work out before, and why he would abandon a new relationship so easily for a relationship that already didn't work out once.


The important thing is Lottie, don't take it personally. It isn't about you, it's about whatever issues and thoughts he has going on in his own head. It isn't a matter of this other young lady being better than you, but it is a matter of him being more comfortable with her already. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but keep your chin up, because it sounds like you have a heart to find a guy who will appreciate what you bring to the table.


Joshua
Good wise advice Joshua
 
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JHerndon is offline JHerndon Post #8  June 26,2008, 1:01pm
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Thanks Abbey
 
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LottieTalley is offline LottieTalley Post #9  June 26,2008, 1:03pm
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To Cheekywoman,


No, I did not talk about "the one" with him. That was just talk in my own head!
 
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lada is offline lada Post #10  June 26,2008, 1:09pm
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hello? hello? ios this fphone still working?

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he's a flake. move on.
 
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