Hey everyone,


All of your advice has been wonderful! I especially like hearing from both the male and female perspectives as it does help put this into a different light. It's beginning to hurt a little less each day. I hope I don't have to wait too long for another chance at love. Even with all of the challenges that marriage brings, I still believe it is worth it. I know who I am and I am very ready and excited to begin the rest of my life with someone. Yes, I have a full life now! I simply know it can get even better.


Lottie

Sick Cycle Carousel. My old pastor used to talk about this term that comes from a song called sick cycle carousel wherein people feel like things are "not right" oftentimes when things are going great because it is something they are not used to. It sounds to me like he would rather remain in a familiar situation with someone who doesn't necessarily treat him right because it is more comfortable to him than being with you when you do treat him right.


I don't think it is a common thing, but what is a common thing is for people to cling to things that are comfortable in favor of taking chances on something that might be better. Some folks just aren't willing to take the risks it takes to build something better than what they already have or what they used to have that they KNOW isn't going to provide what they really want.


To really get a good idea of what is going on it would take getting more information directly from him... like why he would choose to go back to an ex-girlfriend when it didn't work out before, and why he would abandon a new relationship so easily for a relationship that already didn't work out once.


The important thing is Lottie, don't take it personally. It isn't about you, it's about whatever issues and thoughts he has going on in his own head. It isn't a matter of this other young lady being better than you, but it is a matter of him being more comfortable with her already. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but keep your chin up, because it sounds like you have a heart to find a guy who will appreciate what you bring to the table.


Joshua

Hello,


I've been on e-harmony for a few years now (with breaks at different times) because I truly believe in their system. I have tried all of the other major sites and NO ONE ever communicated with me from those, but I do tend to get quite a bit of communication with EH.


I've met some great men who had some potential to be "the one", but were not quite "the one". I have done a lot of work of defining who I am and what I am looking for. Also, in my line of work, I have completed several personality inventories as well as inventories for conflict managment, etc. In other words, I truly do know myself very well and what I am looking for.


Recently, I had a wonderful match and the beginning of a great relationship. We were in OC within 4 days, talking on the phone within two weeks (every night for 2-3 hours) and met one month after being matched. That date was truly one of the best I have ever been on. There was just a brief hint of awkwardness at the first moment of meeting and then it was back to how things felt on our phone dates. We had spoken twelve times (about 30 hours total) and covered all kinds of topics. We talked about family, politics, social justice issues, faith and theology, hopes and dreams, what we are looking for, hobbies, jobs, even some personal stories, etc. We were in sync on all the important items and compatible on the others.


We spent 11 hours together that first day. It seemed like about three! We had lunch (which was the plan) and then talked for about three hours. Then he asked if I wanted to join him at a local festival for the evening. We talked most of that time, had dinner, looked at exhibits, listened to the music, etc. He even sought out some friends of his he knew would be there and introduced us.


Every signal he gave was that he was interested and wanted to see me again. In fact, we had already made arrangements to meet again. He kept saying it was too far away in time. (It was about three weeks down the road. I am out of state for a TEMP job and home for the weekend for an interview.) I'd be home again for the 4th and the following week. My TEMP job also ends in the next 4-8 weeks. He knew from the first e-mail that I was out of state through July or August. He even kissed me several times during our date. It was not a typical "first date" since we had "dated" so often on the phone before we met.


He called the next morning to make sure we were okay since a major storm had moved through the area. We both commented on how much we enjoyed our time together. He also called me later that night as I was driving back to my TEMP job.


The next evening he called when he normally did and told me that he didn't want to see my anymore. He didn't think the long distance would work. That didn't make sense to me since he knew I was going to be back in the area in two weeks for a week and then permanently after that in 4-6 weeks. I told him I felt that there was something he wasn't telling me and he eventually shared with me that a former girlfriend who broke up with him and just wanted to be friends had called him that weekend and wanted to get back together. He said, "We have very little in common and are complete opposites. I think my feelings for her might be stronger. I know I could be making the biggest mistake of my life and I don't expect you to be waiting for me when I come crawling back." He said the part about making the biggest mistake of his life three times.


What do you make of this? Did he freak out? Was it feeling too "right" to him and he got scared? I'm hurt because he wasn't willing to give the potential of our relationship another chance with at least meeting again to see how he felt after two face-to-face meetings. Guys, is this a common thing?


I am very confused, because what was starting was great and we did seem like the "perfect match" for each other. So far, he was the most "the one" I had met and I was excited to continue learning more about him to see if it continued that way.


I'd appreciate any insight.


Thanks,


Lottie