Something to Disclose, or Not Relevant?


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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #1  May 31,2011, 8:52pm
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A guy friend of mine who has not dated in a while recently started seeing a woman. They've been going out for a couple months, but have not had sex yet.

He confided to me that a year ago while visiting the doctor for another issue he was tested for STDs. Much to his surprise, he tested positive for Chlamydia. He had NO symptoms (which is not uncommon, especially in men.) He has only had less than a half dozen sex partners since being divorced over 10 years ago, and had never been tested before. All of his partners were nice, educated, professional career women. It never dawned on him that he could catch an STD from any of them. He has no idea which one gave it to him so has no idea how many (if any) of the other women he exposed to it.... and he feels horrible on this point. Fortunately, Chlamydia is easily cured with just a couple of pills, however, the effects for women can cause other issues (such as infertility).

This is the first woman he has dated since then. He no longer carries Chlamydia since he's been treated. His quandary is he is unsure whether he should disclose this past STD to future partners, or since he's been cured is it relevant to bring up?

I know my opinion on the topic, but want to know what you think. Would you want to know if a partner had an STD in the past but has been treated/cured, or would it matter at all to you?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  May 31,2011, 9:13pm
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A curable STD that's been treated -- no, I don't need to know about that.

If he told me about it though, I would be interested in knowing whether he attempted to contact women he might have infected, to let them know they should get tested. I'd see that as a character/maturity issue.

I'd also find a little off-putting his assumption that because his partners were 'nice, educated, professional career women' there's no risk of STDs. Like "only bad girls get diseases".
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  May 31,2011, 10:12pm
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If they are cured then I dont think its necessary to disclose this early on in the relationship.
 
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stagingbulb is offline stagingbulb Post #4  June 1,2011, 5:29am
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ami1uwant wrote :
If they are cured then I dont think its necessary to disclose this early on in the relationship.
Or at all... I don't tell my dates about every time I have gotten the flu, a cold, or anything like that.

But... he needs to make sure he's completely clean (tested) before being active again.
Last edited by stagingbulb; June 1,2011 at 6:46am. Reason: Clarification on thoughts
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  June 1,2011, 5:35am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
A curable STD that's been treated -- no, I don't need to know about that.

If he told me about it though, I would be interested in knowing whether he attempted to contact women he might have infected, to let them know they should get tested. I'd see that as a character/maturity issue.

I'd also find a little off-putting his assumption that because his partners were 'nice, educated, professional career women' there's no risk of STDs. Like "only bad girls get diseases".
Yeah, me too.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  June 1,2011, 5:39am
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This is about the past women...not any future one's...He has no clue when he got infected with this STD...

I agree with Sass...it would be a character issue on whether he cared enough and was honest enough to have those previous partners get tested..

I also agree that it's an absurd notion that only certain people get STD's...

Obiously both he and these (nice and educated) women weren't using condom's!!!....this should be standard practice for EVERYONE until knowing 100% someone is free and clear..

I sure hope he has learned and will use a condom from here on out! As well as does the right thing and contacts those women..
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  June 1,2011, 5:51am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
A curable STD that's been treated -- no, I don't need to know about that.

If he told me about it though, I would be interested in knowing whether he attempted to contact women he might have infected, to let them know they should get tested. I'd see that as a character/maturity issue.
I am a bit up in the air on this. As I understand from the OP his relationships were not one night stands but were longer term relationships that. And that he could have become infected from the first girl and been a carrier for years or become infected by the last girl. Does he go back to his first sex partner from 10 years ago and say "you gave me chlamydia"? It would seem that he should have gone to his last partner but I don't know that he would need to go back farther unless there a short time between partners and a short relationship with each.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #8  June 1,2011, 5:58am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I am a bit up in the air on this. As I understand from the OP his relationships were not one night stands but were longer term relationships that. And that he could have become infected from the first girl and been a carrier for years or become infected by the last girl. Does he go back to his first sex partner from 10 years ago and say "you gave me chlamydia"? It would seem that he should have gone to his last partner but I don't know that he would need to go back farther unless there a short time between partners and a short relationship with each.
Yes...he should try to contact every single one of them since he has no clue when he got this STD...Same thing if he was HIV...you would go back to every single person that you slept with and didn't use a condom!

So if he got this from his first partner 10 years ago..he could have given it to every other woman...

And then they could have passed it on to every guy they slept with...etc....etc....That's how fast and multiplied STD's or HIV goes..

That is why I say it's imperative to not only use condom's...but get tested...and ask for testing...

We can ONLY protect ourselves..as it shows here that not every guy (or woman) would be honest enough to go back and let them know.
 
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stagingbulb is offline stagingbulb Post #9  June 1,2011, 6:42am
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Ingytravel wrote :
That is why I say it's imperative to not only use condom's...but get tested...and ask for testing...
No love, without a glove. If you're active, get tested and stay clean. You owe to yourself and your partners.

Ingy is right... he should go back and talk to every one of them, not to figure out where it came from, but to ask them to get tested.
 
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lizzy1999 is offline lizzy1999 Post #10  June 1,2011, 6:45am
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Speaking of glove -- wouldn't using a condom every single time have prevented this? I am just wondering - I guess it's not always possible and when you are in a LTR you trust your partner to be clean.
 
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