How to Overcome Shyness and Approach Total Strangers…it really does work!


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eharm123 is offline eharm123 Post #1  May 30,2011, 10:09am
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The following is not anecdotal, it is based on science, and it really does work. The trick is to just do it and not worry about anything else. Just do it! You have to feel and live in the moment and not feel self-conscious.

Shy people tend to (the Problem):

Make internal, stable attributions that blame oneself for unpleasant social outcomes (e.g., no one likes me because of my cynical personality).

Having negative and cynical attitudes toward others (e.g., most girls are shallow and are only looking for casual ‘fun’).

Behaving in passive and unresponsive ways with others (e.g., attractive girl smiles and looks at guy; guy looks away timidly, instead of holding the gaze, smiling, and saying hello; instead of a pleasant and interesting conversation ensuing, nothing actually happens).

Shy people need to (the Solution):

First, address your pessimism. If fear of possible social failure is keeping you from getting involved in some potentially interesting social interactions, try some rational cost analysis. If you talk to that cute girl, for example, are you worse off than you were? But if you do talk to her and have an enjoyable interaction and meet some of her cute friends as well, aren’t you much better off than you were before? Isn’t the potential benefit worth the risk?

If you find yourself blaming your own inadequacies for feeling lonely and being shy, look around. Are you the only person acting shy in your current situation? Usually, if you look carefully, you will dicover that the answer is no; others are lonely, shy, and worse; therefore situational factors are also very much involved. Consider the situational factors that might be involved and work to change them (e.g., sit closer to that cute girl, instead of always at the back of the room by yourself).

Identifying situational influences does not, however, mean that you should just sit back and wait for things to get better, or to happen by themselves. You must take the initiative and act! Generally speaking, girls will never make the first move, and they will never ask a guy out. This is social conditioning. Taking the initiative to meet some new people may pay off, but watch out for any sour, self-defeating attitudes. Do you find yourself getting more critical of others? Are you beginning to think that people are selfish, shallow and uncaring? Such negative attitudes can have the force of a self-fulfilling prophecy: What you expect may be what you actually get! Armed with negative, even hostile, attitudes about others, your behaviour is unlikely to be very charming, and their reactions are unlikely to provide the warm acceptance you desire. Taking a more positive approach—actively looking for others’ good qualities—has a much better chance of success.

In summary, (1) do a rational cost analysis of risky social situations to decide whether the potential gain warrants taking the risk, (2) look for situational causes of shyness/loneliness rather than blaming your own personal characteristics, (3) maintain a positive attitude toward others (be friendly, funny, assertive, and playful…it’s not so much what you say but how you say it that counts), (4) Make the first move and ACT; ACTION makes change happen!

If the above is too tricky to remember and to think through when you are feeling anxious, then just remember one thing: Just do it; talk to the girl, and ignore all other negative feelings! You will be surprised at not only the positive outcome, but at how positively people will react to this confident action strategy!

Just do it, no excuses!

The worst thing is to later have a regret of inaction and missed opportunities. We don’t regret the things we do as much as we regret the things we didn’t do.
Last edited by eharm123; May 30,2011 at 10:15am.
 
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metarzanyoujane is offline metarzanyoujane Post #2  May 30,2011, 12:48pm
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I was extremely shy and extremely self conscience my entire life. I had to coach myself just to talk to someone new even in simple communications related to my field of work even though most people were men. There was no way I was going to be able to talk to a girl. One day I got tired of it and just decided to take the easiest path I could, online dating.

What happened is actually pretty remarkable, my experience changed me basically overnight. I thought about writing a book about it one day. In the end I realized I had nothing to lose, why be scared, if you make a fool of yourself, so what, you're probably never gonna see that person again anyways, so why be nervous asking someone out.

If anybody out there is like I was then just throw yourself to the wolves, its the greatest feeling ever when you realize they are actually sweet cuddly puppies.
 
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