Doesn't always call when he says he will


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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #1  May 18,2011, 4:53pm
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I realize that this is the age-old question about men - he said he'd call, why didn't he?!

The guy I've been dating about two months has, from the beginning, often said "I'll call you tomorrow!" then not done it. He'll call or text the day after that, like everything's fine. I can tell it's not like he's trying to avoid me, so it's not that.

These past few weeks he's had law school finals, so our last date was 2 weeks ago (he was studying but made time to see me), and we've only spoken a handful of times via Gchat or text. I've been as patient as possible, which hasn't been easy for me.

Last night was his last exam, as well as his birthday. I called him around 10 to wish him a happy birthday, and as I was leaving a voicemail, he texted me and said, "Hey dear," then "In a crowded cab." I texted back that I just wanted to wish him a happy birthday, and to have fun (he and his school friends had gone out right after their test was over). I asked if he could just call me tomorrow, and he said, "Yup!"

Annnnd he hasn't. I realize that the night isn't over, it's not even 9pm, but I can't help feeling really annoyed. Should I be? I read the "conflict in a new relationship" article and I guess that was sort of helpful (say "I feel disappointed that we haven't really talked lately," though to me that sounds a bit hokey). I don't want to call him, since I just called him last night. I feel like anything I say is just going to come across as accusatory, when all I want to do is just express that I need more attention than I've been given lately.

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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 18,2011, 5:05pm
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I look at what matters:

- I enjoy time I spend with my partner?

- My partner meets and spends time with me?

- My partner appears to place me in an appropriate position of importance (that would be less than career and education, but more than entertainments or leisure)?

- My partner is honest, respectful ... they understand that I need some specificity to make plans?

***

If I were in your situation, I would get annoyed the first time. But, I would rapidly adapt. Then, I would put out a suggestion: "We will speak Friday to plan the weekend meeting," for instance.

As long as the person is meeting and seems to be exclusive, I can manage around forgetting or being busy / distracted to call (calls are pointless, anyway.)
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 18,2011, 5:07pm
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Oops, missed a part:

If you want to call "when all I want to do is just express that I need more attention than I've been given lately" it's really on you to call (though, this type of pointless calling is something that turns me off.)
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #4  May 18,2011, 5:15pm
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D_Lion wrote :
(though, this type of pointless calling is something that turns me off.)
Yeah... At this point I feel that me calling him last night (though to wish him a happy birthday, so it wasn't just totally randomly), and asking him to call me tonight, then when he doesn't, me calling him... That's just annoying.

I really hate that it upsets me so much, to the point where I'm entertaining the thought of just ending things. I don't really want to do that, but if he's like this now, is he going to change? I don't know.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  May 18,2011, 5:24pm
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It's surely possible someone will change - I find that I adapt to every new partner.

Other things I refuse, and maybe end it.

***

I would look at this as first, try to understand the motivation?

- Forgets, gets busy, I can live with.

- Lied, is going out with other people, I dump them.
 
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clover87 is offline clover87 Post #6  May 18,2011, 5:32pm
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I highly doubt he's lying - I've been with liars before and I know the signs, he's not exhibiting them. I'm sure it's just being busy... My problem is that I was expecting (perhaps wrongly) that since his exams are over now we'd be able to communicate and see each other a lot more. So of course I was expecting that today he'd jump at the chance to call me, since his exams finished yesterday, and that's not the case. So it's really as much of my disappointed expectations as it is him not calling.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  May 18,2011, 5:38pm
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I think this is partly a point of mis-match of commuication style.

For instance, I don't use phone calls except for short, simple logistics (like specific meeting time / place.) I speak to my partner in person, only. So, I wait until we're together.

If this is important to you, and you can't negotiate to a satisfactory resolution, then I'd say you have a deal-breaker.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #8  May 18,2011, 5:57pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I look at what matters:

- I enjoy time I spend with my partner?

- My partner meets and spends time with me?

- My partner appears to place me in an appropriate position of importance (that would be less than career and education, but more than entertainments or leisure)?

- My partner is honest, respectful ... they understand that I need some specificity to make plans?

***

If I were in your situation, I would get annoyed the first time. But, I would rapidly adapt. Then, I would put out a suggestion: "We will speak Friday to plan the weekend meeting," for instance.

As long as the person is meeting and seems to be exclusive, I can manage around forgetting or being busy / distracted to call (calls are pointless, anyway.)
WOW, D_L, you are sooo gifted!!.....you should be on the talk show circuit.....your words to me, sound like the only relationship advice anyone really ever needs.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #9  May 18,2011, 5:59pm
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clover87 wrote :
Yeah... At this point I feel that me calling him last night (though to wish him a happy birthday, so it wasn't just totally randomly), and asking him to call me tonight, then when he doesn't, me calling him... That's just annoying.

I really hate that it upsets me so much, to the point where I'm entertaining the thought of just ending things. I don't really want to do that, but if he's like this now, is he going to change? I don't know.
This is about control and the need to be right over happy. Like D_L says, adjust or decide if the guy is worth the adjustment. To me if all else is good, it would be crazy to end it over this.

You might try one face to face convo about how much keeping hiw word matters to you, that it is equivalent to dependability which is an important character issue for you....see if it prompts him to pay more attention. It is likely he doesn't see the significance of this to you.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  May 19,2011, 2:52am
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I don't think he's that into you. He isn't making you a priority in his life - he treats your relationship (if you class it as one) as casual and you haven't seen him for 2 weeks. He said he'll call you then a couple of days later he texts.


I think it's reasonable to expect a lot more attention but I just don't think he's that into you and you are being too patient. You are heading into becoming a doormat if you let someone just see you casually whom you have feelings for.


You can not make someone become interested so I don't see any way you can negotiate on this.


I personally would be offended that it was a g/f's birthday and she'd been out without inviting me.

It doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I'd ask myself do I deserve better? yes! I'd ask myself can I get a better partner? yes! Then I'd move on.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; May 19,2011 at 3:00am.
 
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