I Had 2 Very Interesting "dates" This Week


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Boba is offline Boba Post #1  May 5,2011, 6:47pm
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Dan-
I met Dan in the airport before we were going to board a flight. We struck up a conversation and he found out that no one was sitting next to him so he invited me to join him in that seat. I enjoyed talking to him so I took him up on his offer.

On the plane he gave me his card and it turns out he is a big shot for a major t.v. station. He invited me to go out to dinner with him the next day, to attend a convention with him where he can introduce me to business people who could help me with work, and to go out to these "after parties". I agreed to go out to dinner with him figuring from then on I could just end the night if I wasn't feeling it. Dan is around 20 years older than me, divorced, and lives on the east coast. He isn't typically what I would go for, but I figured since what I go for hasn't worked for me, that I would try someone very different.

When I got home after the flight, I started to think that this was a guy who was more or less wanting to be a "sugar daddy" to me. I NEVER do this, but I wanted to be blunt with him when he called me to make plans. I told him that I had no interest in dating him whatsoever, and that I will not sleep with him. He laughed it off saying no one has ever said that to him and that he just wanted to spend time with me because he thought I was beautiful, intelligent, humorous, and that he enjoyed my company. I told him that it feels like there are strings attached and he just tried to reassure me that there were no strings.

I ended up meeting him at this really swanky, expensive hotel restaurant. The guy offered to pay for me to get my own hotel room in case I wanted to drink. Believe me, I watched my food and my drink all night. At that point, I realized that even though I wasn't going to be intimate with him, that I really felt like a prostitute or something! This is a restaurant where you can easily tell who is here with an escort if you get what I am saying. I told him what I felt and he just said that we could take it slow and that he really likes me and wants to pursue something even though we are just friends. I kept reminding him that I have no interest in dating him, and again, he kept saying how he will try to change my interest in him.

To make matters worse, he offered to pay for my airfare and hotel room to accompany him to some family event, as well as to keep him company on this 2 week Mediterranean cruise where he said he will get me my own room. He also said since I am working part time and not doing so well financially that he would help me pay my rent.

I know I should be happy with myself that I would never, ever take advantage of someone, but I felt disgusted that someone thinks that I actually would consider being a "fake girlfriend" for money and material things.

He kept inviting me that night to continue our date which I insisted was NOT a date to the other stuff I mentioned above. I told him I wasn't interested and he just walked me to my car. He asked me if he could just get a kiss from me and I just gave him a kiss on his cheek like I would give my 80 year old grandparents.

I have to say, the people that I have met NOT from websites were sketchier than those that I have met online!

Kurt-
Kurt found me on Plenty of Fish right before I deleted my account. He said that we have spoken before, but stopped for some reason. I had no idea who this guy was and would have remembered him because he is good looking and has interesting things in his profile. He then mentioned that maybe we spoke through eHarmony or Craigslist and nope, still no memory of this guy.

We started to talk online for a couple of days and realized that we have similar personalities and a lot in common. We also discussed how we have felt let down by a lot of people we have dated. I mentioned that I am very cautious about who I date because it seems to be that men expect sex earlier on than I feel comfortable with. He stated that he isn't a "sex fiend" and that he has no problems waiting until whoever he dates feels comfortable with. Sounds like a nice guy right? Well I went out with him after having a great phone conversation with him thinking he was serious about finding a girlfriend, and that he wasn't scuzzy.

We went out for coffee and to walk over to this park near Starbuck's to talk. Conversation was good and again he seemed like a nice guy and someone that I could potentially see a relationship with.

After our date, he texted me several times telling me how he really likes me, finds me sexy, and that he wants to go out again the next day for dinner. I told him that I would love to and we made plans the very next day.

The day that we were supposed to go out, he started to text me more messages about how we could do "other things" instead of having sex. I have no idea why he would bring this up so early on when we just had one date! I told him that I have no interest in doing what he said until I have seen someone for quite sometime, and that I really can trust them. He then said that I was being rigid, inflexible, and that he couldn't live months without getting uh certain things from whoever he was dating. I instantly told him that he and I wouldn't work out and that I will find someone who is right for me.


I really cannot separate the so called "nice guy" from the "jerk" or the "creep". Seems like the nice guy always ends up being the jerk or the creep. Even when friends and family set me up, it is the same thing. I really have been thinking carefully about my personality and the things I share with people, and I have no idea what I say or do that makes them end up showing me their scummy true colors.
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #2  May 5,2011, 10:08pm
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Well, there are two sides to every story but I highly doubt there's anything you're doing or saying that's leading these guys on to the point where they feel it necessary to pursue something you clearly stated isn't going to happen. Now, since I actually consider myself a really nice guy, I make it clear from the get go that I'm interested in something more than just sex, I want a relationship - everything else falls into place, but if things get heated and they decide they want to go that far, then I'm not going to decline either because if they're going that far, I assume they're just as interested as getting to the level I want to be at as well. Additionally, before things actually happen, I literally ask them if they really want to do this, because unlike some dudes, if the girl changes their mind, I'm not going to freak out and get all mad because they did so. It's called respect and living up to your word as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, not sure what else to say - I assume the avatar is a picture of you, and as far as I can tell from a 50x50 image, you're an attractive woman and unfortunately that's what you have to deal with - guys that just want to sleep with you and not just get to know you and respect your wishes. Don't be so quick to say that you think that you're meeting a nice guy when they very clearly prove that they AREN'T. A nice guy is going to wait as long as it takes till you're comfortable taking things to the next level. Just sayin'.

Edit: Oh, and as far as the first guy - trust your gut, you shouldn't have gone out with the guy after you already had sketchy feelings about the situation, that one is on you.
Last edited by jme21; May 5,2011 at 10:13pm.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  May 5,2011, 11:04pm
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Unfortunately until you meet someone face to face and actually go out with them a few times you don't really know what kind of person they are.

The first one seems like you allowed him to talk you into more than what you were comfortable with. So, since he got more he tried for more than that. You didn't give him the green light, but you also didn't give him a full red, more like a blinking red.

The second guy sounds like the typical male who will agree to your "ideas" but then pushes for more. You stopped him quickly, which is good. No point in prolonging that sure to be gruesome date.

I wonder, is putting the sex thing out there so early might be the problem? Should you really be stating to these guys, before you even have a first date, that you won't do "this" or feel you have to "trust" the guy first. It's almost like putting a challenge out to them. "These are my limits. I dare you to cross the line I've drawn in the sand." I'm not saying you intentionally do this. But, I've met a lot of guys who push as much as they can just because I've said what my limits are before we've reached that point in the relationship.

Maybe let the limitations of what you are willing to do come out more naturally in the future.

I can't imagine laying that all out there to a guy before we've met, or even on the first date. Usually the sex conversation comes up later down the line.
Last edited by AndieIsMe; May 5,2011 at 11:06pm.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  May 6,2011, 3:07am
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Why did you go for a meal with that man who you told that you weren't going to "date" him?

Sounds like you were after a free meal based on what I've read and he was hoping you'd get drunk and he'd be able to bed you.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  May 6,2011, 4:25am
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Boba wrote :
Kurt-
Kurt found me on Plenty of Fish right before I deleted my account. He said that we have spoken before, but stopped for some reason. I had no idea who this guy was and would have remembered him because he is good looking and has interesting things in his profile. He then mentioned that maybe we spoke through eHarmony or Craigslist and nope, still no memory of this guy.

We started to talk online for a couple of days and realized that we have similar personalities and a lot in common. We also discussed how we have felt let down by a lot of people we have dated. I mentioned that I am very cautious about who I date because it seems to be that men expect sex earlier on than I feel comfortable with. He stated that he isn't a "sex fiend" and that he has no problems waiting until whoever he dates feels comfortable with. Sounds like a nice guy right? Well I went out with him after having a great phone conversation with him thinking he was serious about finding a girlfriend, and that he wasn't scuzzy.

We went out for coffee and to walk over to this park near Starbuck's to talk. Conversation was good and again he seemed like a nice guy and someone that I could potentially see a relationship with.

After our date, he texted me several times telling me how he really likes me, finds me sexy, and that he wants to go out again the next day for dinner. I told him that I would love to and we made plans the very next day.

The day that we were supposed to go out, he started to text me more messages about how we could do "other things" instead of having sex. I have no idea why he would bring this up so early on when we just had one date! I told him that I have no interest in doing what he said until I have seen someone for quite sometime, and that I really can trust them. He then said that I was being rigid, inflexible, and that he couldn't live months without getting uh certain things from whoever he was dating. I instantly told him that he and I wouldn't work out and that I will find someone who is right for me.


I really cannot separate the so called "nice guy" from the "jerk" or the "creep". Seems like the nice guy always ends up being the jerk or the creep. Even when friends and family set me up, it is the same thing. I really have been thinking carefully about my personality and the things I share with people, and I have no idea what I say or do that makes them end up showing me their scummy true colors.

This bit "I mentioned that I am very cautious about who I date because it seems to be that men expect sex earlier on than I feel comfortable with. He stated that he isn't a "sex fiend" and that he has no problems waiting until whoever he dates feels comfortable with. Sounds like a nice guy right?"

- You need to face reality here. If you ask questions like this or make those kind of statements what answer do you expect? All you're doing is giving information to a player so he can adjust his tactics (if you're saying it to a player). You ask questions like that and smart guys know all the right answers and all the right moves.


"I have no idea what I say or do that makes them end up showing me their scummy true colors"

But it's irrelevant what you say or do. Either they are scummy or they aren't - it isn't dependant on what you say or do.

Instead of asking the kind of "are you just after sex" questions .... learn about people by getting to know them and finding out for yourself if they are sleezy or a gent.


You may be able to repel men who are just after sex by putting into conversations that you don't do sex until you have dated someone and become "serious" - I know some English women say that. It might be sufficient to put off men who want someone who is easy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 6,2011, 4:29am
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The first guy..... He clearly was looking for a young warm body. Once you finally figured that out, you should have declined further contact. Telling a guy out of the blue, "oh this is not a date and I won't sleep with you, but I will still go out with you" is you playing coy and hard to get. It's a direct invitation for him to chase harder. In short, you actively engaged him in a game of catch and release and was an active participant. Think about it - you figured out what he is after, called him out on it, but then still went to dinner with him. At this point you knew the deal and accepted it through your actions despite some verbal "protestations". The outcome is not surprising and the guy is probably bitter that a peck on the cheek is all he got as he probably rightfully expected much more.

The second guy......again....it takes two to talk about sex. I just don't know how in the world you are bringing it up like that or why would you respond to him bringing it up? I think that by bringing it up like that kind of out of the blue and putting the subject on the table...well....it makes the subject fair play for the guy. Again, I think you come across as coy and a challenge when you do this.

Seems to me like your simple solution is to keep the sex talk off the table until you are actually in a relationship and contemplating going there. Also, stay away from old creepy guys who are looking for certain business transactions. Why would you discuss your finances with a stranger anyway??? Thinking you need to figure out some boundaries and a stronger filter on what subjects you discuss with people and when.
 
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TwirlMySkirt is offline TwirlMySkirt Post #7  May 6,2011, 5:18am

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Boba wrote :

He kept inviting me that night to continue our date which I insisted was NOT a date to the other stuff I mentioned above. I told him I wasn't interested and he just walked me to my car. He asked me if he could just get a kiss from me and I just gave him a kiss on his cheek like I would give my 80 year old grandparents.
s.
This guy sounds similiar to the date I had on monday, very flashy with his money, agressive and sweet talking.

I'm wondering where are all the posters that hung me out to dry for accepting one dinner the same day, when you accepted two and ended it with a kiss (even on the cheek) when you had no romantic interest in him? A lot of women would take a guy like that up on his offer of plane tickets, hotel rooms, etc. You didn't, and neither did I.

What's important is, in the end, you did the right thing, even though it took you awhile to sort it out.
Last edited by TwirlMySkirt; May 6,2011 at 5:39am. Reason: spacing
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #8  May 6,2011, 5:31am
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wrote :
I kept reminding him that I have no interest in dating him,
Then why even meet up with him.. Did your ego need that much of a boost!?

wrote :
I know I should be happy with myself that I would never, ever take advantage of someone
But ya kinda did!


***
wrote :
really cannot separate the so called "nice guy" from the "jerk" or the "creep".


At first sight who can, this takes time to uncover. Unless it's in the very first email.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  May 6,2011, 5:36am
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I'm still trying to figure out why you decided to meet the first guy, who you knew was a wolf....
why put yourself in that situation?? Were you just bored?
(the second guy ok, I understand he turned out to be deceptively creepy..)

But the first guy, whom you knew was all about you being his arm candy...why on Earth would you agree to meet him?
 
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Boba is offline Boba Post #10  May 6,2011, 8:02am
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Yeah you really sound like a good time and I think it says a lot about you to actually ask the woman if she is sure she wants to do whatever.

I realize that I shouldn't have gone out with the first guy. It was a mistake.

jme21 wrote :
Well, there are two sides to every story but I highly doubt there's anything you're doing or saying that's leading these guys on to the point where they feel it necessary to pursue something you clearly stated isn't going to happen. Now, since I actually consider myself a really nice guy, I make it clear from the get go that I'm interested in something more than just sex, I want a relationship - everything else falls into place, but if things get heated and they decide they want to go that far, then I'm not going to decline either because if they're going that far, I assume they're just as interested as getting to the level I want to be at as well. Additionally, before things actually happen, I literally ask them if they really want to do this, because unlike some dudes, if the girl changes their mind, I'm not going to freak out and get all mad because they did so. It's called respect and living up to your word as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, not sure what else to say - I assume the avatar is a picture of you, and as far as I can tell from a 50x50 image, you're an attractive woman and unfortunately that's what you have to deal with - guys that just want to sleep with you and not just get to know you and respect your wishes. Don't be so quick to say that you think that you're meeting a nice guy when they very clearly prove that they AREN'T. A nice guy is going to wait as long as it takes till you're comfortable taking things to the next level. Just sayin'.

Edit: Oh, and as far as the first guy - trust your gut, you shouldn't have gone out with the guy after you already had sketchy feelings about the situation, that one is on you.
 
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