Nope, it's not 'their loss'!


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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #1  May 5,2011, 10:09am
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I've found that when people are on the dating scene and get 'rejected' by a date or potential date (whether it's online or in person), well meaning friends will rally around the person and say 'well, it's their loss!' or the rejected party will make that their own personal battle cry.

I don't think that's a helpful way of viewing things. Dating doesn't have to be about someone winning and losing, someone being wrong and right. Two people can not be a match without anyone being 'wrong' or 'losing'. Frankly, when a mismatch is discovered early on I think it should be almost celebrated- think of the time you won't spend barking up the wrong tree

I've found that people who tend to hold on to the 'their loss' mentality tend to take dating much more personally, have a harder emotional time of it, and find a lot less joy/fun in it than those that take a more 'oh well, that's life' approach when a match doens't respond favorably.

Have you all found something similar? My purpose with this post is to propose that those that are quick to yell 'their loss' when rejected consider seeing things a different way- you may get more fun out of dating and your psyche may be better off for it in the end
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #2  May 5,2011, 10:15am
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Even if I'm losing, I'm always winning. Duh.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #3  May 5,2011, 10:32am
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Good one jme :-)
 
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savman is offline savman Post #4  May 5,2011, 10:49am
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I have always hated that phrase also.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  May 5,2011, 11:17am
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I hear that term as shorthand for "oh well don't feel bad you'll find someone where you're great for each other, you're a great person, I love you". "Their loss!" is just easier to say! lol.

But I agree -- just because it didn't work out doesn't mean there's something wrong with either of you, or that anyone screwed up.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  May 5,2011, 11:24am
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The statement "it is their loss" is not about someone winning and someone losing. If your mother dies you have suffered a LOSS, did someone win and someone lose in this situation, NO!!!

If I am dating just for the fun of the date and have no hope, expectation or desire that anything permanent come out of my dating journey then being rejected by a match / date has no meaning whatsoever. On the other hand if the reason for dating in the first place is with the hope and desire that I find a match / partner with whom to form a long term relationship. Then if I have found in a match someone I think may have the potential to be someone who I could form a long term relationship with and she then rejects me the feelings of hurt are going to be there. When this rejection happens I can choose to view it in two ways. That there is something wrong with me and have a negative view of myself.. OR I can choose to view myself in a positive way and that I am still a pretty good catch, hence "it is their loss".
 
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RandomEharmonyMember is offline RandomEharmonyMember Post #7  May 5,2011, 11:28am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The statement "it is their loss" is not about someone winning and someone losing. If your mother dies you have suffered a LOSS, did someone win and someone lose in this situation, NO!!!

If I am dating just for the fun of the date and have no hope, expectation or desire that anything permanent come out of my dating journey then being rejected by a match / date has no meaning whatsoever. On the other hand if the reason for dating in the first place is with the hope and desire that I find a match / partner with whom to form a long term relationship. Then if I have found in a match someone I think may have the potential to be someone who I could form a long term relationship with and she then rejects me the feelings of hurt are going to be there. When this rejection happens I can choose to view it in two ways. That there is something wrong with me and have a negative view of myself.. OR I can choose to view myself in a positive way and that I am still a pretty good catch, hence "it is their loss".

I got over my rejection insecurities in high school... It hardly phases me if I'm rejected. It surely isn't 'their loss' if they reject you but it's not a win either.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  May 5,2011, 11:30am
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I've never associated that phrase with a win/lose attitude. It's more like what Gr8Guy said, you/they lost an opportunity to experience something/somebody, not the game of dating.
 
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stillsingle4029 is offline stillsingle4029 Post #9  May 5,2011, 11:44am
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All good points brought up to something I never realized was happening. Almost a defense mechanism to soften the blow of rejection. But as our friends and family know, we deserve so much better than the one who wouldn't give us a chance! Right? But in the end, it was never about us at all, it was about them, the bolter, the "poofer", the one who never gave us a chance. I just wonder what their buddies/family are saying?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #10  May 5,2011, 12:02pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The statement "it is their loss" is not about someone winning and someone losing. If your mother dies you have suffered a LOSS, did someone win and someone lose in this situation, NO!!!

If I am dating just for the fun of the date and have no hope, expectation or desire that anything permanent come out of my dating journey then being rejected by a match / date has no meaning whatsoever. On the other hand if the reason for dating in the first place is with the hope and desire that I find a match / partner with whom to form a long term relationship. Then if I have found in a match someone I think may have the potential to be someone who I could form a long term relationship with and she then rejects me the feelings of hurt are going to be there. When this rejection happens I can choose to view it in two ways. That there is something wrong with me and have a negative view of myself.. OR I can choose to view myself in a positive way and that I am still a pretty good catch, hence "it is their loss".
I contend that you can view yourself in a positive way without making it 'their loss'. Because if a person wants to get to know you they will; if they choose not to they aren't losing anything, they are simply moving forward with their life to get what they want.
I can understand being disappointed that a person that you had hoped would be the one wasn't, but it's still not anyone's loss.

It's about not taking the rejection personally and feeling compelled to get defensive with a 'well, i'm great and if they don't want to know me it's their loss'. People don't need to be 'punished' for rejecting you. To me, that's not the attitude of a truly confident person and that attitude doesn't do you any favors over time. It leads to folks getting bitter and mad at the opposite sex and the world for not seeing how great they are. Since most people I know and observe are dating to find a permanent relationship, my thoughts apply to that situation. That person wasn't the one, you found out sooner than later, the one is still out there, so there's is nothing to be defensive about, in my opinion.
 
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