How to decline a date with a co-worker in a higher position?


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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #1  May 4,2011, 4:51pm
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So I was asked out via e-mail by a co-worker who is in a higher position and his position could somewhat affect my job. How would you go about declining in a non-offensive way where the person is okay with "the decline" and won't try to retaliate?

Suggestions would be warmly welcomed. Hit me with your best shot y'all.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #2  May 4,2011, 4:54pm
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It's odd someone in a management position would do that via e-mail which creates a record. Check your company's HR policy on his behavior--if it's a prohibited behavior, that's a great ace to have up your sleeve and you certainly won't have to worry about retaliation.

(That's for a corporation. If it's a small company, it's different.)
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #3  May 4,2011, 4:59pm
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In this case I'd rather not get HR involved or company policy. This person has a higher position than I do but I do not directly report to them. The catchall is that they still can have some bearing on my job. Everyone is a little too interconnected where I work.
 
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TwirlMySkirt is offline TwirlMySkirt Post #4  May 4,2011, 5:01pm

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my5cents wrote :
So I was asked out via e-mail by a co-worker who is in a higher position and his position could somewhat affect my job. How would you go about declining in a non-offensive way where the person is okay with "the decline" and won't try to retaliate?

Suggestions would be warmly welcomed. Hit me with your best shot y'all.
"Thank you, but i make it a policy not to mix business with pleasure."
That way, they know it's nothing personal.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  May 4,2011, 5:01pm
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I didn't say to notify HR, I said to check the HR policy about inter-office romance in your Code of Conduct or Code of Ethics documentation. You can save a record of the e-mail away for a rainy day if you ever feel you're being retaliated against or discriminated against because of your decline, or it's just too rainy that day!
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #6  May 4,2011, 5:01pm
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You can simply say... 'I don't date coworkers this is my own personal policy.

Or just use the company as a buffer. Most companies have a policy in place in regards to coworkers dating within..

 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #7  May 4,2011, 5:06pm
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Shapeshifter and Trekryder, thanks for the suggestions. Sorry I read your post incorrectly shapeshifter. I got it now, and trekryder...I must be fuzzy headed at the moment cuz why didn't I think of that? Gracias!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  May 4,2011, 5:25pm
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my5cents wrote :
So I was asked out via e-mail by a co-worker who is in a higher position and his position could somewhat affect my job. How would you go about declining in a non-offensive way where the person is okay with "the decline" and won't try to retaliate?

"Thank you, but no."

And then shut your mouth! Do not make a stupid excuse about how you're "busy" (as this will be read as stringing him on.) You have a right to say "no," and should answer in a manner that makes clear you're appreciative for the interest but declining the invitation.

***

That said, I think it's a mistake to turn this down.

In my occupational experience, an invitation from an executive to a lunch or dinner was a chance to meet face to face, casually, with a promising high-performer - and not a date. (Although I admit most such offers I received were from male executives.)

If this is on the heals of some noteworthy or visible accomplishment, I would be especially inclined to see this as professional research into your abilities and aspirations.

***

Personally, I would accept the invitation.

I would be willing to chance having to navigate out of a bad situation unfolding to capture the possible upsides.
 
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tinaroonie is offline tinaroonie Post #9  May 4,2011, 5:26pm
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It does create issues, whether he is in a higher position than you are or not, about dating someone you work with. And my question is, why did he do it via e-mail, rather than in person. If he was truly interested, he'd walk up to you and ask in person. Unless he's a very shy and insecure person. I think I would just say "thanks, but no thanks, I don't date co-workers."

I have a very good example of that, that happened at my company a few years ago, although he wasn't higher up than she was. Basically they dated for a while, and then they broke up, but unfortunately they couldn't leave their personal lives separate from their work lives, and had many loud fights at work, and it got so out of hand one day that she took a glass of water and threw it on him. They were both hauled into HR after that incident, and told to stay away from each other, or one or both of them would get fired. Thank goodness neither of them works in my company any more. I'm just saying.....

I do know another couple for whom it worked out, they met at work and got married and are still together, working in the same company, though different departments now.

I have to be thankful that my boyfriend has the no dating co-workers rule, because he said there was one woman that he would have wanted to date, had he not worked with her, and if he had dated her, then there might not have been an us. What I'm saying is, just don't do it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  May 4,2011, 5:36pm
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TwirlMySkirt wrote :
"Thank you, but i make it a policy not to mix business with pleasure."
That way, they know it's nothing personal.

This is not a good idea.

A snide, dismissive comment like this is going to be taken personally.

You are turning down an invitation.

Any extraneous words only make you look like an idiot, as well as a liar. This makes you look weak, which makes you more vulnerable, not less.

Definitely do not use a fabricated excuse.
 
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