Sizzle and Fizzle; but no fizzle, just burned


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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #11  May 4,2011, 1:09pm
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nunayabizness wrote :
He is impulsive. The personality traits that led him to help you move and go to the store without knowing you are the same traits that led him to "lose his phone" and "just wake up."
That's a great point. This guy actually was being consistent with you -- consistently impulsive. Sometimes that worked in your favor, and sometimes not.

When a stranger/barely-known guy is being really nice to you maybe still pay attention to what's underlying that -- the impulsivity or whatever it is. It's similar to getting gushy emails from an online match you've never met, telling you how wonderful you are. It's not very meaningful.
 
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OlderButWiser0549 is online now OlderButWiser0549 Post #12  May 4,2011, 1:57pm
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dcs930 wrote :
Thanks! I guess I just keep tearing it apart, AND using the good things I like about him prominent, since I am struggling being single. I just needed reassurance!
That's fine, and very charitable of you, but beware the danger that lurks in focusing only on the "good" parts of the overall package: if you end up tolerating that which is intolerable to you, you will end up miserable regardless of the "good" parts.

And I think it's important to identify those intolerable character traits-- the things that really, REALLY drive you up the wall-- and make them dealbreakers.

Only you can decide what those things are, for you. But for me, the kind of flaky unreliability this fellow showed you would be one of them.
 
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HowICIt is offline HowICIt Post #13  May 4,2011, 2:27pm

This is just how this female sees it. Your mileage may vary.

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OlderButWiser0549 wrote :
That's fine, and very charitable of you, but beware the danger that lurks in focusing only on the "good" parts of the overall package: if you end up tolerating that which is intolerable to you, you will end up miserable regardless of the "good" parts.

And I think it's important to identify those intolerable character traits-- the things that really, REALLY drive you up the wall-- and make them dealbreakers.

Only you can decide what those things are, for you. But for me, the kind of flaky unreliability this fellow showed you would be one of them.
Great advice.
 
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stagingbulb is offline stagingbulb Post #14  May 4,2011, 8:59pm
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I agree with the impulsiveness and sometimes things happen. I have a different thought on this... you said he was doing okay for himself and you are struggling a little. Maybe his first impulses were "he was going to save you" and then quickly started losing interest for whatever reason.

IMHO- you did nothing wrong other than put too much into analyzing what happened. Don't kick yourself, you have no reason too.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #15  May 5,2011, 6:06am
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stagingbulb wrote :
I agree with the impulsiveness and sometimes things happen. I have a different thought on this... you said he was doing okay for himself and you are struggling a little. Maybe his first impulses were "he was going to save you" and then quickly started losing interest for whatever reason.

IMHO- you did nothing wrong other than put too much into analyzing what happened. Don't kick yourself, you have no reason too.
I think you misread her post...she was saying that she was looking at the 'good' things about him...(making them prominent in her mind)....and she is struggling being single....not anything to do with his/hers financial status..
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #16  May 5,2011, 7:21am
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dcs930 wrote :

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WTH happened? Where did I screw up?!
YOU did not screw up at all. The guy is a flake and you are much better off without him in your life. Better you find out that he is unreliable early on so that you have not wasted much time and can now focus on finding someone new who is not a flake.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #17  May 5,2011, 7:27am
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nunayabizness wrote :
...
I think you may be reading into this a little too much. He is impulsive. The personality traits that led him to help you move and go to the store without knowing you are the same traits that led him to "lose his phone" and "just wake up."
...
Boy how I disagree with this statement.

The personality traits that lead someone to be helpful, helping someone move or running an errand for them, are NOT impulsiveness!!!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #18  May 5,2011, 7:43am
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dcs930 wrote :
I met a guy online awhile back and I informed him that I was moving. We shared a couple messages and he told me to let him know when I was settled in my new place so we can catch back up. I disengaged my profile, only because I would have no time and access to meet anyone. When I got back online two weeks later, we started talking again. We finally met and started seeing each other. He would do things out of the ordinary for me as a typical caring person would do. He helped me move some last minute things, and went to the store for me, all out of his kindness and not of me asking. We talked on the phone every night, texted throughout the day, etc. We had plans on Good Friday night to hang out, and he stood me up. No call, no text, no nothing! I got a text the next morning saying that he partied to much the night before and he lost his phone. I let it go.
Utter rubbish excuse, more likely you were dropped for a better offer. Perhaps he was with another woman. Perhaps he has a few women on the go. I don't believe a man would disappear because he wanted to party but I would think the motivation of another woman would be sufficient to make a man disappear.


A common excuse for someone who can not use their phone is "I lost it". How amazing that he found it the morning after.

Whatever the reason, at this point I would assume the worst and delete this person. You need to learn from this experience. People who are looking for quality relationships are reliable.


dcs930 wrote :
Then we had plans that next Wednesday for him to come by, I make dinner, and we watch a movie. Plans were set for 7:00, dinner was cooking, and I rented a movie already. I didn't hear from him until exactly 7:00 saying the he just woke up and he will be at my house in 30. He made it there for 8. I was already setting myself up that he was going to stand me up again.
You only have yourself to blame for this. Why you arranged another date where you make dinner completely puzzles me. I have made similar mistakes in the past. I don't put up with any poor behaviour anymore. You'll find by doing this you increase the quality of the people you date dramatically.


dcs930 wrote :
But the company was great we had a nice time then parted. He had plans to go out of town that weekend (which was this past weekend). Well, I've only heard from him a few times over the weekend and on Monday. No evening calls anymore, no texts throughout the day, he has only sent me pictures of his great weekend. Yesterday, I stopped my communications efforts all together. WTH happened? Where did I screw up?!
He might have gone away for the weekend with another woman.

You could never have made this work with him. He's a loser.
Last edited by SteveManchesterEngland; May 5,2011 at 7:47am.
 
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