USMCrunner is offline USMCrunner Post #1  April 30,2011, 3:12am
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My ex and I split up years ago but have to remain in contact due to having a child together. He has moved on to the point that he is living with someone, but still gives me a hard time about seeing anyone. My question is this, I have a man who has asked me to meet him for ice cream. This ice cream place is down the street from my ex's towing business and I am afraid that if we meet in my town and I get spotted by the ex he will come right over and give us a hard time. I do not want to start things out by sharing my "issues" about the ex, but how else do you go about avoiding the places that people typically go to around here? I was thinking about just saying, " I would love to meet you for ice cream, but I really like the ice cream at this other place better, how about meeting there?" What do you think?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  April 30,2011, 5:55am
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I think you're letting the ex control your life, your chance of happiness...your future..
meanwhile he's moved on..
If you don't start standing up for yourself, soon..you're in for many years of grief.
And if you're so afraid that he's going to get nasty in public with you and another guy there are these things called restraining orders...
Usually you can file one and they will do the trick.
Last edited by TheThinker; April 30,2011 at 5:59am.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #3  April 30,2011, 6:22am
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Yes, just suggest a different place.
About the ice-cream suggestion, when I hear this it always reminds me of something I saw in a guy's profile 'I'd love to meet you anywhere I can watch you eat ice-cream'. Gross, it gave the vibe of bad quality. Sorry, probably has nothing to do with your guy. If I ruined it for you, you can always order ice-cream in a cup . Good luck!


Last edited by curiousgirl123; April 30,2011 at 6:29am.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  April 30,2011, 6:41am
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TheThinker wrote :
I think you're letting the ex control your life, your chance of happiness...your future..
meanwhile he's moved on..
If you don't start standing up for yourself, soon..you're in for many years of grief.
And if you're so afraid that he's going to get nasty in public with you and another guy there are these things called restraining orders...
Usually you can file one and they will do the trick.

Agree
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #5  April 30,2011, 6:46am
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I just read Thinker's post. I absolutely agree.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  April 30,2011, 6:47am
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Live your life as you want to live it. You can't be always looking over your shoulder wondering if the ex is going to appear.

In fact, I encourage you to go to the ice cream store near his place of work. It will give you added confidence to know that he can't control you any more.

If he should give you a hard time in a public place, then you have grounds for a restraining order, as The Thinker suggested.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #7  April 30,2011, 8:33am
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The thing with a restraining order is that it would affect how he picks up your child for visits. It would have to involve a third person once it's in place since it would specify him not coming within a certain distance of you or your residence. I guess you could request one specifying a distance only 'in public places' or 'while you are with male company' (details could be specified if there is a valid reason).

In general, if you feel threatened in any way (or you feel your child's safety is compromised), yes, by all means you have to look out for your and your child's safety first and file for a restraining order.
However, if he is not abusive but just annoying, you might want to consider other ways to handle this and if it doesn't work, then pursue a restraining order. I would limit verbal communication with him and would mainly communicate by email so it's easy to prove who said what if it this continued. It is appropriate to say 'hi' and a couple of casual words at the door when he is picking up your child but more extensive communication about your child or anything else when needed, I would do by email so it's easy to see how the communication was handled.

I would also address by email that you don't want to discuss your personal life with him or him interfering in any way, and you wish him well with his. This way there is a proof this was an issue and it would document how it's handled and if it progressed. Be careful with your tone in your emails and your choice of words. You want to avoid conflict not to instigate it and this would also matter if you were to pursue a restraining order.

I personally would avoid going to places with a new date where there is a high probability I would run into an ex. It wouldn't be my thing even if the ex was not obnoxious. I'd rather focus on enjoying my date than be worried about my date being put in an awkward position.


 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  April 30,2011, 10:08am
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TheThinker wrote :
I think you're letting the ex control your life, your chance of happiness...your future..
meanwhile he's moved on..
If you don't start standing up for yourself, soon..you're in for many years of grief.
And if you're so afraid that he's going to get nasty in public with you and another guy there are these things called restraining orders...
Usually you can file one and they will do the trick.
This is good advice.

However, from what I see and hear in the news restraining orders are not usually worth the paper they are printed on.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  April 30,2011, 10:13am
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USMCrunner wrote :
...
I was thinking about just saying, " I would love to meet you for ice cream, but I really like the ice cream at this other place better, how about meeting there?" What do you think?
I see nothing wrong with this approach at all. I always ask my matches for input on where they would like to go for the first date, subject to my veto. I want them to feel comfortable where we go for the first date and want them to be going to a place that that they enjoy. I get a bonus from this approach as I am frequently introduced to a new restaurant.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  April 30,2011, 10:51am
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A first date with a new match is probably not the best situation to start standing up to your ex. I would imagine you'd be so nervous it would make it difficult to focus on your date. I'd redirect the date to a different location.

But. You do need to not let your ex control your life. You will not be truly free to find new love until you do that. It's also not good for your joint child to see this dynamic between you. Kids learn more from what their parents do than what their parents say.

What do you mean by "giving you a hard time"? If it amounts to threats or harassment, then start keeping a log so you can get a restraining order.

Go have your first date at someplace you'd be comfortable! But start working on changing how things work between you and your ex! Good luck.
 
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