PinkyOnyx is offline PinkyOnyx Post #1  April 29,2011, 1:40pm
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Hi everyone! I got a small story to tell before I get to what I'm here seeking advice for.

First, my eharmony match and I just shared three wonderful days together. I was almost positive this guy wasn't in it and I was gonna have to move on. But now, I don't want to because he's finally letting his guard down. I'm finally able to talk to him about how I feel about certain things and he actually listens and tries to help or comfort me.

Like for example: He always asked how'd I feel about a threesome. I was appauled and told him straight up no way and refused to hear anything more. Last night we were talking about our relationship and I brought it up, cuz I actually wanted to know why he even asked, besides my conclusion he was being an ass. But he explained to me its something he wants to do before marriage, he called it part of his Bucket List Before Marriage. That made me laugh to be honest. I've noticed guys have all these endevours they want to do before settling down. But I told him I didn't want to do it cuz I didn't want to lose him to the other woman, and that I wasn't into that. I also told him I wasn't going to share him. I asked him if he also wanted one because I don't satisfy him; and let me point out, I've done stuff with him already I wouldn't do for any other guy!! He said he was very satisfied with me and wouldn't leave me for the other girl. He cared too much for me and he wasn't that kind of guy. I believed him and felt a bit better about it.

He's also encouraging me to find a better job so I'm not so miserable about working. And lo and behold, I'm actually looking for a new one with renewed confidence. He's also shown he's very protective of me and maybe a little possessive. If I feel someone's being too friendly with me, he sets upon setting the guy straight, but I stop him of course lol. And he gets mad when I tell him I got hit at work again(boss is a bit overplayful and tends to hit me too hard).

So finally last night, I asked him if it was safe to assume I was his girlfriend. He said not yet. But before I could get upset, he explained that he and I are semi-serious. We ARE in fact exclusive with each other; we proved to each other our dating profiles were suspended. And he used the word "Yet". That tells me there's hope and its safe to think this might go further. I didn't press any further in order to not freak him out or anything and we slept in each other's arms.

So what I'm seeking advice is; is it really safe to believe that this can turn into a serious long term relationship? Suspending his dating profiles after we started dating, being more affectionate and open, willing to see me more than once a week, and reassuring me when I feel like I don't satisify him or feel poor about myself... are these traits of a guy who really likes a girl and is thinking of getting serious with her?

He's a totally great guy, and I'm falling even more in love with him, I need to know it's not just me thinking there's hope!!
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #2  April 29,2011, 2:19pm
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It sounds to me like he has all the power and control in this and you are waiting anxiously for his approval. This is not a healthy arrangement.

How long have you known him?

Ideally, the affirmation you are seeking is demonstrated slowly through actions not words. In a really fast scenario, the words can be the result of infatuation or simply a guy telling you just what he thinks you want to hear.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  April 29,2011, 2:25pm
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He sounds controlling.

Good luck with that.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #4  April 29,2011, 2:38pm
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I think this guy is going to mess with your head. He's controlling and manipulative.

"semi-serious" not "girlfriend" but "exclusive"


and this indicates you lack assertiveness and are heading into becoming his doormat:-
"... I didn't press any further in order to not freak him out or anything and..."

Don't let him walk all over you.

You are getting mixed messages. I would walk away from someone who told me I'm not their boyfriend but we're exclusive - it doesn't make sense.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  April 29,2011, 2:52pm
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Yeah, he's controlling. And you are buying into it, big time.

Why do this to yourself. You are allowing him to set you up for a big heart ache. Don't forget that you are a part of this relationship as well. If you don't like the pace, you can try to change things. He shouldn't be the only one controlling things.

This might be a good relationship, if you start showing your backbone a bit more.

PS - That whole threesome thing The next time he asks you tell him only if it can be with another guy because that is on your bucket list. (listen to his reaction and reasoning against this, it will be very telling) I've been there, done that discussion with guys. It never turns out well if they bring it up often.
 
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theprincessbride is offline theprincessbride Post #6  April 29,2011, 3:03pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Yeah, he's controlling. And you are buying into it, big time.

Why do this to yourself. You are allowing him to set you up for a big heart ache. Don't forget that you are a part of this relationship as well. If you don't like the pace, you can try to change things. He shouldn't be the only one controlling things.

This might be a good relationship, if you start showing your backbone a bit more.

PS - That whole threesome thing The next time he asks you tell him only if it can be with another guy because that is on your bucket list. (listen to his reaction and reasoning against this, it will be very telling) I've been there, done that discussion with guys. It never turns out well if they bring it up often.
I'd be really interesting to find out what he says and how he reacts. He's definitely playing with you -- whether he is doing so knowingly or by previous "it's worked for me..." attitude. I also get the feeling that, maybe, if you agreed to the 3some, he would call you "girlfriend" until some other bucket list item shows up from nowhere.
 
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PinkyOnyx is offline PinkyOnyx Post #7  April 29,2011, 3:04pm
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Whoa back up people!!

Where is everyone getting this control thing from?!

Since when was going with the flow him controlling me?! Chill out!
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #8  April 29,2011, 3:24pm
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PinkyOnyx wrote :
Whoa back up people!!

Where is everyone getting this control thing from?!

Since when was going with the flow him controlling me?! Chill out!
You asked for advice and have received it. It may not be what you want to hear, but please listen to what has been said.
 
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sony12 is offline sony12 Post #9  April 29,2011, 3:53pm
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Pinky if he was really that in to you he wouldn't be beating around the bush with you. You are indeed letting him manipulate you by accepting his b.s. lines. If you really want to see how serious he is about you tell him you want to be exclusive with him and see what he says. If he tries to beat around the bush again then you are better off finding someone else.

Like others have said this relationship between you will only work if you start standing up to him. If you don't he will just continue to lead you on and you will spend however long letting him do whatever he wants because you want to believe in his promises.

So in essence. Bring up exclusivity again and if he declines tell him it is time for you to move on then.
Last edited by sony12; April 29,2011 at 3:56pm.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #10  April 29,2011, 4:02pm
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I cannot believe you have only known him such an apparently short time and you are worried about losing him to another woman/he is getting so involved in your life so fast--putting himself between you and others/that you are telling him you are miserable in your work/you are doing things physically that you haven't before.

Seems totally off to me.
 
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