To date or not to date


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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #21  April 27,2011, 10:59am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Hmm... is five out of six a good score?

I'd say you are ahead of a bunch of people!
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #22  April 27,2011, 11:32am
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annother wrote :
I know that feeling! In fact, one of the ways I stop myself from becoming a hermit is by dating.

The problem is that you can't date easily while living a relatively isolated life. I don't know how old you are, and it probably doesn't make any difference, but if you could spend a few more years living in a larger centre you are more likely to meet people. You are also more likely to go out on dates.

Perhaps you could consider this as a temporary measure before moving to the farm.
I already have a house in a rural area and I teach at a school about 2 minutes from my house. My mom lives 7 minutes away and my brother and his new wife are moving back to our small town (from across the country) to live near us. The farm (baby sized) is at my mom's place. I don't like living in the city so I can't imagine doing that.

I have commitments that I care about in my community that I wouldn't want to change either. (For instance, I run the school board choir program that my teacher began about 28 years ago. It takes commitment and consistency to maintain this kind of program.) I think it's part of the challenge for me in thinking about dating is that I think about the long term and if I'd be willing to change my lifestyle or even move for my partner. I am really tied to my community and I don't want to change that. I really does limit my options though.
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #23  April 27,2011, 11:46am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Random collection of thoughts ...

Why would following your dream (music and farming) mean you can't have a relationship? Farmers and other rural people get married all the time.

It wouldn't mean that I couldn't have a relationship I suppose. It would just further isolate me. I would also mean more of a subsistence type of living that would make it harder to go out and get involved in activities.

Could it be that your health issues are causing some depression? Maybe that needs to be looked at?

I've considered that. I've been there. I don't think I am now. Considering how often I see the doctor I think they probably already have an eye to that.

Perhaps you should spend some time thinking about what you would want, from a relationship -- see if that motivates you more, or maybe makes you feel like perhaps you don't really want one?


While most people have a strong desire or need to be closely connected to other people, not everyone does. There are people who are single by nature, I think. Could that be you? I'm not talking about people who are too afraid, or have been too hurt, or are too neurotic, etc. Just people who can be in relationships but it's not really central to them.
I do have a desire to be closely connected to someone. I've lost a number of really close friendships over the past year or so (all distance friendships) and it makes it all the more noticeable that it's something that I lack.

Certainly, a relationship doesn't define who I am. I think my music and other activities play a primary role in my life. I'm not looking for someone to come and be my 'everything'. I'm sure that if it was all great that might just happen anyway.

It was a complaint of my ex that he felt that I didn't make enough time for him. I won't go into that whole 'back and forth' and there were issues on both sides there. However, I'm sure that any boyfriend/partner could take issue with how busy my schedule is. I actually switched to working part time in January to help me to create more space in my life to have a relationship (not the only reason of course)


There have been so many thoughtful comments. I appreciate that.

Thanks everyone.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #24  April 27,2011, 12:54pm
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KikiAZ wrote :
I'd say you are ahead of a bunch of people!
Fine, then I'll go see the interesting lady with the pretty profile pic who asked me out. I hope I'm ready. And that her photos aren't 5yrs old.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #25  April 27,2011, 3:14pm
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aylia wrote :
What signs tell you that a person is not ready to be dating right now?

- Confusing me - a specific person who is doing and saying certain things - with my gender in general. Healthy people observe and evaluate the partner who is in front on them at the time, and decide on that.

- Running off at the mouth about one or more ex-partners. Also, unable to focus or address the specific needs of a potential romantic relationship unfolding.

- Flakey or drama: any broken promises due to out of control emotions, baggage, etc.

***

Matters like dishonesty, entitlement mindset, cheating, I classify as character flaws, which are more serious than "readiness" issues.

***

Things like too busy or certain personal issues I do not consider to be "lack of readiness," but perhaps challanging compatibility issues.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #26  April 27,2011, 7:56pm
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aylia wrote :
Yes, I am talking about myself. I'm not sure what I'd say about my current situation without being quite long winded.

What might I say... I'll skip relaying my history and give a few more current examples.

I made a new years resolution to see more people than last year (since I only saw two people). I've had to push myself to go out about every time I see someone. Even someone that I've seen I few times. When I look at profiles I seem to be looking to eliminate people as possibilities (primarily) rather than see the potential. (and I wouldn't consider myself a negative or judgmental person) When I get a message from someone I see it as something else to deal with or something like that. At least I'm definitely not excited about it.

I wonder about accepting how I feel as not ready as more of an excuse to not try. I would almost be too easy. But, I hate to hurt or mislead anyone I might date.

My comment under my avatar is primarily related to some health issues I'm trying to manage that are making things difficult.
The line that I highlighted above tells me that you are not ready to date (yet). I will go out on a limb and suspect that you are looking at matches (profiles) and comparing them to your ex (or late as the case may be) either consciously or unconsciously. Until you get to a point in your life where you can look at your matches as unique individuals and how you relate to that and only that person you are carrying around "baggage" and living in the past.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #27  April 27,2011, 8:19pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The line that I highlighted above tells me that you are not ready to date (yet). I will go out on a limb and suspect that you are looking at matches (profiles) and comparing them to your ex (or late as the case may be) either consciously or unconsciously. Until you get to a point in your life where you can look at your matches as unique individuals and how you relate to that and only that person you are carrying around "baggage" and living in the past.

Ummmm,how I interpreted her saying under her avatar is she is working at looking at the positives but the negatives are still a little higher then they should be.
It all depends on the baggage. I tell you what I have baggage about men yelling (and stuff). I will keep that baggage and not allow it ever again. So in a sense its good baggage I dont want to get rid of so I never find myself with a person who cannot deal with life in a decent manner.
If I meet the right one who doesnt turn out to have such a problem.My baggage is not a problem, right?

And yes, I'll make sure it matches my shoes too.
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #28  April 29,2011, 6:50pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The line that I highlighted above tells me that you are not ready to date (yet). I will go out on a limb and suspect that you are looking at matches (profiles) and comparing them to your ex (or late as the case may be) either consciously or unconsciously. Until you get to a point in your life where you can look at your matches as unique individuals and how you relate to that and only that person you are carrying around "baggage" and living in the past.
I think I find myself looking to 'eliminate' matches because it's easier and it gives me the illusion of trying. When I might as well not be doing that because it doesn't really bring any closer to going out.

I don't think I compare guys to my ex. Sure on some level we compare people to our previous relationships, but that's just living and learning. My ex has his good points and his flaws, as we all do. I'd hope to take the things I've learned into another relationship. I don't feel negativity towards him and I don't feel like I'm hanging onto things from the past. If I am, those issues must be pretty deep in there because I don't know what they are.
 
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