Call or Don't Call Thread ....


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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #1  April 26,2011, 5:55pm
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Sorry, I need more hand-holding (metaphorically---though I'd take literal, too )

Met a woman from eHarm for dinner on April 9. She lives in a small town about an hour away from my small town. The first date lasted about two hours, and was probably one of the most inscrutable dates I've ever had. She seemed to be enjoying herself, but her body language seemed very reserved/cautious.

I also did about 75% of the talking. She did write in her profile: "I'm very shy until I get to know people well." (I usually ignore that comment though, because almost all my matches write it.)

I couldn't tell if she was nervous, or just wanted to get out of there, or what .... Anyway, she seemed nice, was very pretty, and we had a decent amount in common, so I had at least a moderate level of interest, so I asked her if she would like to do something else, like go to a bar or movie. At first she seemed to think about it, but then as I walked her to her car, she said she just rememberd she had to get up early to do a 5-k the next day. I took this as rejection, because we had discussed hobby-running at dinner, and I thought it would have been odd to not mention this. I didn't tell her I doubted her, of course, but I didn't say "I'll call you, later," like I usually do, because I was sincerely doubted if I wanted to.

After I got home, however, I thought, "what the heck," so I texted her saying I had a good time, and when would be a good time to call her tomorrow to talk about meeting up again. She answered immediately, rather enthusiastically.

So we had a second date, which was quite long, the next weekend (April 16) which consisted of going to a museum, then to dinner, then to a mall, then to a movie. Only the museum was planned in advance; at the end of each activity, I suggested the next, and she agreed without much hesitation, so I took this to mean she was more interested. She generally seemed less shy.

At the end of the night, I asked her if she was busy next weekend (this past weekend), and she said she was going on a trip for Easter. I said, "Ok, well, we'll talk later then." She then (hesitantly) said, "But we could do something during the week, if we met half way." So I asked her on a third date, for Thursday (April 21) in the evening for dinner.

She canceled by text, on Tuesday (April 19). It's reasonable for her to have texted, rather than call, because she knew I had a meeting that night to go to. She said she had an emergency meeting for work on Thursday, which is quite plausible. Before I could answer, she said, "But we could do something next week!" So I said, "Ok, that's too bad, but that sounds important. Just let me know when you'd like to meet again." She texted: "Ok, I will!"

That is the only time she texted me and/or called first. If I text or call, she answers immediately, but never calls or texts first.

I deliberately did not text or call after Tuesday, because (1) she seemed busy, (2) I didn't want to appear clingy or pushy, and (3) I wanted to see what she'd do. There was no communication until ...

.... last night, I sent a text saying, "Hope your meeting and your trip went well," or something like that, "and she wrote at lunch today, "Thanks, they both did!"

And then nothing. I was hoping she'd call tonight, because she has a class tomorrow night, and I have a meeting on Thursday, and I'd like to make a plan for the weekend, rather than just leave it hanging. But I would rather she call me, and express an interest, than me call her.

I kind of have trust issues, due to some bad experiences in the past, and I am also afraid of appearing to eager or cling or pushy.

She herself, btw, asked the question in 1st questions about, "Are you a trusting person?" (or whatever the question is) (which is a baggage-y question, IMAO)

I don't like it if someone doesn't take the initiative a little, or express some interest in suggesting things on her part, beyond a certain point. But I can't tell if she is just very passive, and will "just let it go" if I don't act, even if she is interested ... or if she is not interested, but will keep saying "yes" as long as I keep asking ... or if she is working up her nerve to say, "no chemistry" ... or is stalling while waiting for some more desirable match to respond ... who knows?

Anyway, I wasted a lot of time last year with someone who acted "passive" and "shy," and eventually revealed, after wasting a huge amount of my time (and money, though that doesn't matter as much)---"I never was attracted to you at all, but everyone said you were such a great guy, I hoped the chemistry would just grow."

Assuming this new girl, who is basically the type of girl I like, and hasn't done anything overt to offend me, would act like that, is unfair ... but I also want to protect myself, and feel like the ball is in her court.

She doesn't seem like someone who would deliberately "play hard to get" but you never know what people think or what other people might tell her ....

I'm sorry I can't write a short question!
Last edited by FaintestInkling; April 26,2011 at 6:00pm.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #2  April 26,2011, 6:06pm
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Assuming you're enjoying the dates, I would call her and have a great weekend. There's too much worrying on here about who intiiates what.


"I never was attracted to you at all, but everyone said you were such a great guy, I hoped the chemistry would just grow."

BTW, from that tidbit, it doesn't sound like she did you wrong. I mean, one of the chemistry question is do you need to immediately click, do you need it within a couple dates, do you expect it to grow over time, or it's not important. It sounds like your date was in the third camp and was probably almost as disappointed as you it didn't happen. We can control how we act, but not how we feel.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; April 26,2011 at 6:10pm.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  April 26,2011, 6:09pm
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Call her please.
Sorry I didnt read the whole thing but what you wrote tells me she is interested.
Not only that. You will finally have your answer. Sometimes that over rides any rejection and closes the case.
And you better update us Mister.
Last edited by livenlearn; April 26,2011 at 6:10pm. Reason: Just call for gods sake, will ya?
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #4  April 26,2011, 6:09pm
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You come across to me like you're playing games. It would have turned me way off by now.

Man up, call or text the girl with a firm plan and date to do something with her, this weekend or next, then you'll have your answer and can stop playing this crazy making waiting game.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #5  April 26,2011, 6:17pm
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I don't think you are playing games, but rather you like for the lady to take some initiative (interest) in making calls, sending texts.

My advice: call her.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #6  April 26,2011, 6:24pm
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To simplify my answer, I don't mind calling or texting first. I don't mind calling the first couple or few times, but after that, if I don't receive an effort or initiative on a woman's part, then I will stop calling. I am totally against one sided communication. I don't see why both people can't call each other and I do think it is unfair for one person to do all the calling or texting.

I need reciprocity. I need an incentive to pursue someone, so I need someone to show me some interest. Those who feel otherwise are not compatible individuals.

B.Y.
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #7  April 26,2011, 6:24pm
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Definitely call. Not text. Call. Many women are a little reticent about initiating early on. I still am uncomfortable initiating much till around date 3 or 4. After that, I start to relax & feel a little more comfortable. Then I will be more likely to initiate contacts.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  April 26,2011, 6:24pm
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I'm not going to treat a partner like a servent in my life. If they can't engage me like an adult, I just can't handle managing their life in addition to mine. So, I don't think this person is worth the effort.

***

That said, you have posted getting few partners, and there may be enough tug at your line to at least play with the tension, if not yet real in a catch ...

As long as you're getting a useful reply to your messages, and sense your partner is taking actions which are advancing a possible relationship, who makes each call isn't a big deal.

***

If you are in a situation where you make a plan and your partner accepts, even without making any of her own, you might try asking what she likes to do?

If you are in a situation where she has rejected your plan ("I can't, I'm busy then"), then you reply "Okay; let me know when you're available."

***

Although this person seems hugely timid, she is replying to you quickly.

That's "light tackle fishing," should you wish to give it a try.
 
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punkycowboy is offline punkycowboy Post #9  April 26,2011, 6:25pm
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Call her. This the simplest way to accomplish your goal. If she isn't interested any longer, this gives her the opportunity to do so without sweating about how to initiate that conversation. If she is, showing you care about spending time with her will only make her reciprocate that in the future.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #10  April 26,2011, 6:28pm
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One choice you have is to tell her all of the stuff you wrote here. If she is on the fence it might back her off completely. But, if not, then she should be thrilled that you would open up your heart to her. She will understand that it really is important to you that she initiates some, in a way she should understand very well.

If she wants King Arthur, then it will put her off. But, my guess is that it should because are not King Arthur. Your a nice guy with a heart who wants to do the right thing, but is not going to just sit around and get stepped on.
 
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