Is a friend's crush off limits?


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sara214 is offline sara214 Post #1  April 23,2011, 7:00pm
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Okay, I know this title makes it sound like I am a teenager, but in reality I am in my late 20s. Basically, my friend works with a guy that she has a crush on. He and I really hit it off one night while out. I didn't know how much she liked him until she got quite drunk and begged me not to hook up with him every time he stepped away from me. Yet while the guy was around she incessantly talked about her ex, how great sex with her ex was, and even had her ex pick her up at the bar so she could go home and have sex with him. Once she was gone he kissed me. It was a great kiss and there were lots of sparks, but ultimately I told him we couldn't pursue anything. He had picked up what was going on and told me he has no interest in my friend at all and never has, but I still insisted that there couldn't be anything between us.

Now fast forward a couple of months. I was getting drinks with my friend and she invited her crush (they hang out often as friends). It was late and we had all been drinking, but she asked me not flirt with him. I have no memories of overtly flirting with him but I know from the second he showed up I couldn't help but smile and I think the chemistry was evident. My friend left upset. She sent me all kinds of texts the next day asking if he spent the night and saying how friends shouldn't hook up with each other's crushes and even when I told her he didn't and nothing happened she still said she needed some space from me for awhile.

I don't think I will pursue anything with this guy because clearly it will cause drama, but I can't help that the chemistry is there and it makes me kinda sad to let it go. I just want to know if this is a normal reaction in a crush situation? I have never called a guy off limits to my friends because I have a crush on him because I feel like it would be selfish of me to do that if I don't have a chance with him for whatever reason. Maybe I am outside the norm?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  April 23,2011, 7:51pm
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IMHO, if you're single and he's single, then it's game on. And if your so-called friend can't handle it, then tough cookies for her.
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #3  April 23,2011, 8:40pm
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It doesn't sound like your friend is being very reasonable (or at all reasonable). I don't see there being anything wrong with pursuing a relationship with this guy, but it sounds like it might be at the expense of your friendship.

I would guess that this situation is going to impact your friendship either way. I would be frustrated with a friend that was acting that way. There would have to be a lot of good things and a lot of history to make me want to work through that with her.

Maybe she will change her mind or get over it. Maybe you can talk it out with her. I'd hope you don't end up with a damaged friendship and a missed opportunity with this guy...

It sounds like a difficult situation.
 
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deluxe is offline deluxe Post #4  April 23,2011, 10:29pm
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Quote: "He had picked up what was going on and told me he has no interest in my friend at all and never has, but I still insisted that there couldn't be anything between us."

That's really unfortunate. You are blowing off what might be a great guy for a selfish friend who has little regard for your happiness.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  April 23,2011, 10:40pm
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I agree with deluxe. And: just as in romantic/sexual relationships, in friendships you need to set healthy boundaries. I'd try to hash it out with this friend (assuming she's a good friend, not just an acquaintance) but bottom line? she really can't tell me who to love.
 
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szgorzelski is offline szgorzelski Post #6  April 24,2011, 5:09am
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Your friend needs to grow up. She sounds pretty immature and selfish. Is she really friendworthy, or is she more of a hang out partner?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  April 24,2011, 6:45am
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There are a number of things going on here but to the question asked I would have to agree with the others. He is fair game for you. Your "friend" is living in a drunken fantasy world and doesn't have much of an interest in this guy if she is going to call her ex to fetch her from a bar so she can go home with him to have sex.
 
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savman is offline savman Post #8  April 24,2011, 7:51am
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I agree with the others. Her request is unreasonable to me. If you knew she liked a guy and you tried to get in the way of them getting together so you could get there first, that is one thing, but he has said he has no interest in her.

She has no right to control such things.

It sounds like you might lose her friendship if you were to start dating this guy. You have to decide if that is worth it. It sounds like to me that her friendship would really not be worth keeping, due to immaturity, but that is your call, not ours.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #9  April 24,2011, 8:19am
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I'm sorry, but I wouldn't consider her to be much of a friend. A drama queen, perhaps, but a friend, no, because she can clearly see that there is something between you, yet she can't think about anyone but herself. If something was going to happen between her and this "crush," it would have by now.

If she needs space from you when you haven't even done anything, then she isn't being much of a friend at all. So I'd let her have all the space she needs, and you do what your heart tells you to do. If you want to spend some time with him when she's not around, then he's fair game and maybe you should consider that. From what little you've written, he seems more stable than she is, anyway. But be honest about whatever you choose to do.

Best wishes to you.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #10  April 24,2011, 9:54am
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Normally, I agree that friends shouldn't try to step towards each other's crushes, interests, etc. However, in your situation, I think it is a lil different.

Your friend has a crush on someone that she hasn't tried to do anything with. To tell her crush about her ex and stuff like that would turn any guy off.

Next, your friends crush likes you and you like him not to mention the both of you are a free agents.

Lastly, you did not do anything and she still tripped on you, so you might as well give her a legitimate reason to distance herself from you because it seems like she isn't being reasonable and considerate of your feelings. You have tried to oblige her request and respect her wishes, but she isn't reciprocating the gesture.

If you want to date this guy, then date him. I don't consider your friend to be a friend at all. But, if you really want to maintain your friendship, then stop hanging around this guy period! You can't have it both ways. You will have to choose your selfish pseudo-friend or a guy that you have sparks with.

B.Y.
 
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