Is a friend's crush off limits?


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sara214 is offline sara214 Post #11  April 24,2011, 4:40pm
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Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I knew I must have stumbled upon the advice boards and been lurking around here for some reason.

I was just afraid that I might be wrong in thinking her behavior was a bit selfish and immature and wanted some perspective from outsiders. My initial impression was "did I revert to high school?" We have been friends and had some very good times together throughout the years, but this isn't the first time that I have felt that our friendship wasn't quite as reciprocal and selfless as it should be recently. I think no matter what I decide to do about the guy this friendship has been changed irreversibly from my perspective. I am still on the fence about whether I am willing to deal with the drama if I were to pursue something with the guy. I think it is worth considering hanging out just the two of us to see how the chemistry is once we get to know each other a little better since the only two times we have really spoken were both in this awkward situation... then tell her if it proves to be a real connection.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #12  April 24,2011, 7:19pm
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tweet37 wrote :
IMHO, if you're single and he's single, then it's game on. And if your so-called friend can't handle it, then tough cookies for her.
You would think the guy involved would think the same thing?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #13  April 24,2011, 7:31pm
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Well, I'm a guy and I would,...especially if it's true that I wasn't really into the other gal (which was stated).
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #14  April 24,2011, 7:34pm
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tweet37 wrote :
Well, I'm a guy and I would,...especially if it's true that I wasn't really into the other gal (which was stated).
See, thats what I was thinking too.
Maybe he is getting an ego boost here or sompin?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #15  April 25,2011, 3:16am
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sara214 wrote :
He had picked up what was going on and told me he has no interest in my friend at all and never has, but I still insisted that there couldn't be anything between us.
Of course he said that ...what else would you expect him to say when your friend isn't anywhere around and you are the one he's kissing on?

C'mon, I'm not saying he's lying ...I'm just saying, there's not a guy on the face of the planet that wouldn't say the same thing in the same situation regardless of our interest or non-interest in your friend. He was looking to hook up with you (or laying the ground work for a future hook up) ...he's not going to say anything else!

Here's a life lesson, when a guy has his tongue in your mouth, you really need to take anything he says with a grain of salt as the rambling mumblings of a crazy person with no blood left in his brain. Men are pigs ...the earlier you understand that, the better off you will be.

sara214 wrote :
Now fast forward a couple of months. I was getting drinks with my friend and she invited her crush (they hang out often as friends).
Look, lot's of people (women mostly) are going to argue this point, but single guys do not "hang out often as friends" with single women they are not interested in/attracted to.

sara214 wrote :
I don't think I will pursue anything with this guy because clearly it will cause drama, but I can't help that the chemistry is there and it makes me kinda sad to let it go.
sara214 wrote :
I think no matter what I decide to do about the guy this friendship has been changed irreversibly from my perspective. I am still on the fence about whether I am willing to deal with the drama if I were to pursue something with the guy.
sara214 wrote :
I think it is worth considering hanging out just the two of us to see how the chemistry is once we get to know each other a little better since the only two times we have really spoken were both in this awkward situation... then tell her if it proves to be a real connection.
Wow, you went from "I insisted" to "I don't think" to "I'm undecided" to "it's worth considering" in record time!

It's not rocket science to see what's happening here. You obviously want us to justify your desire to go against your friend to date someone she's clearly interested in - or, at least, has called 'dibs' on (which, honestly, makes your 'account' of her doings and happenings extremely suspect in my opinion) ...and, to that, I say - go for it.

She's probably better off without a "friend" like you any ways.

I can't help but wonder ...if the shoe was on the other foot ...?
 
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richey is offline richey Post #16  April 25,2011, 8:37am
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As long as he's crushing - yes it is off limits.
Sorry.. but friendships are worth more than crushes and potential romantic relatoinships.

Richey
 
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dmi is offline dmi Post #17  April 25,2011, 12:09pm
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richey wrote :
As long as he's crushing - yes it is off limits.
Sorry.. but friendships are worth more than crushes and potential romantic relatoinships.

Richey
Interesting. As a guy, I would never pursue one of my long time friend's crushes. Chances are you'll just end up messing up a long time friendship for a romance that doesn't last (if it even happens at all).

Seems like the women who have posted think it is ok for a woman to do that.

As a man, it's pretty easy, just don't do anything and 90% of the time, that's it. As a woman, it may mean actively turning him down when you really don't want to.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #18  April 25,2011, 3:31pm
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richey, the friend is the one crushing on the guy. that we seem to know for sure. Whether or not the guy does or does not like the friend in return is up in the air, IMO. As Biker made a good point that some guys will say anything to file a woman as a hook up, if even some time down the line.

I would investigate a bit more. Ask your friend if she has ever proclaimed her crush on this guy or not. Get her side of his "not interested" behavior.

He could be playing her a bit, too. Or, he could be totally legit and really not have any interest in her other than as a friend.

It could also be that those two had a little fling before and she's hoping it would turn into more and he didn't, but that is why she is holding on, just hoping he will change his mind. This also means she would have to deter all other interested women (which you are one).
 
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sara214 is offline sara214 Post #19  April 25,2011, 3:44pm
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Hmm interesting perspective when it comes from men. I wonder if the differences in opinions have to do with the pursuing vs being pursued?

I have been on the other side of this situation before. When it was my friend (a different one) and the guy that I had a crush on, I didn't say anything or interfere. There is the moment of this sucks I wish he liked me, but in the end I know attraction and chemistry is a 2 way street. I had known him for months, he never made a move on me despite the fact it must have been obvious I was interested and he wasn't a shy guy. The first time he met my friend it was instant sparks between them and they went on to have a relationship that lasted years. Incidentally once they were an item is when I took notice of one his friends that just didn't stand out before. I went on to have a wonderful 4 year relationship with him. It just never occurred to me to ask her to ignore his advances and stand in their way when she wasn't maliciously trying to steal him away (not that i actually had him in the first place) and if I had, I might have missed out on the best relationship I have had.

This experience might be why my friend's strong reaction in this scenario just rubs me the wrong way. I am also a person who is perhaps too logical... so I think about the fact that she and I are completely different in most ways so I don't think a guy could ever have an interest in one of us and then be stolen away by the other.
 
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LivinthADreamX is offline LivinthADreamX Post #20  April 29,2011, 8:05pm
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Hi Sara214,

Since when does your friendship with this girl take precedence over your own happiness? This girl is not much of a friend to you. I had a friend similar to this girl - I always had to sacrifice relationships, money, time, WHATEVER it was, so that she could be happy in her social moment with whomever she was with at the time, or to make her social world complete. This got especially bad when she got married and I was in her wedding! I'm not friends with this girl anymore because, in the end, girls like her will always side with whatever or whomever has enabled them to get to their "happiness", not you.

If you see him out having drinks, don't avoid him, or your feelings either, because of her. If her ex is that great for her to boisterously bragging about drunk, let her go back to him and allow you to be happy with someone who is obviously happy with YOU!
 
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